The Last Testament of GOD

Written by Ken Call Murdock the Last Prophet of GOD, but call me KC.

GOD’s Last Commandment

As given to the Messenger of GOD's Truth, and Founder & Prophet of Cannabis Church of GOD.

Children of Mankind one last messenger of Heaven I have bestowed upon you with a testament to Sons of Sons, Daughters of Daughters, and Children of Children. Hear them now for I am a forgiving and merciful GOD.
For I have called all my Angels home from their duties. For they have toiled and labored long and well. Through them I have continued to walk amongst you. I came calling at your door and you shut me out. I was in need in the streets and you walked by me. I was your brothers and sisters and not a bread crumb was given to eat. Nor water to drink, nor to wash my feet.
I have sent you messenger after messenger harkening my messages and warnings. I have sent Holy Children of Heaven heralding the path home to ME. I have given you guides and spiritual leaders from every tribe to bear witness unto my Glory.
But those words have been changed, corrupted, and erased from the doers of Evil that serve dark purposes and agendas of their own will and design.
Humanity is but a whisper in time and New Babylon will fall as it has poisoned paradise and the hearts and minds of mankind. They shall be poisoned by their own toxic lips and choked by the poisons they have spewed across the planet.
Cannabis in all its names and forms is the Tree of Life. Removing the Tree of Life was a sin against GOD, humanity, nature, and the planet and all of GOD’s creations that live on it. Planting the seeds now replenishes the earth sowing the path to repentance and redemption. Continuing to lie and deny on this plant is to continue to deny and lie upon me your GOD.
Continuing to deny me shall bring my wrath upon humanity.
End your wars, end your religions, end your temples of greed and churches of corruption by mankind.
Put down your weapons, and stop the hatred you spread in my name.
Give people back the wealth that was claimed in my name, and share the full abundance that I have given this world to all my children of the world.
Revelations will fall upon new Babylon 10 years after my last prophet returns to Me.
The whores of new Babylon have been marked with the mark of the beast and my Angels will smite evil doers from the face of the Earth.
All the lands have been soaked in blood with nation's and religious unholy wars.
I shall wipe away the unclean and the unworthy that have sullied the name of GOD.
And I shall make the Earth anew and whole once more.
For now I have sent you the Advocate-the Spirit of truth.
Hear his final words of my truth.
GOD’s truth.

“This book does not go with your bible, koran, and other worldly ancient scriptures written by mankind, but it replaces them. These words are not to be edited, altered, adapted, or changed by anyone ever. This book is not to be solid in any format ever , including digital, nor should it ever be printed for profit; but any local printer should be fairly compensated. Especially a small business old school book binder.” K.C. Murdock

Chapter 1 - 1974/1984 AD

"For I have given you this voice to sing from the mountain tops and from that stage connect the world." GOD

Truths are like religions.
You are born into it, create it, or choose it.
But ignorant are children to the truth of GOD and his gifts to humanity.
They have lost their connection to GOD.
I am the herald of heaven. The choir director for the Angels.
The trumpets that shake the earth upon Christ’s second coming.
And one of GOD’s oldest servants returned to Earth. Again damn it!
I am the Advocate-spirit of Truth that Jesus Christ spoke of.
I am an Angel soul and not a human soul. Huge difference. That humans don't understand.
I am as GOD made me and intended me to be.
Since before humanity was a thought or made by the word of GOD. I was by GOD’s side.
That’s why “I am a child of God” was my favorite song in the mormon church I was raised in. I sang it loud enough for GOD to hear every time. Still a very cute song when kids are singing it, and yes I am a child of GOD and so are you.
I was born into the false religion in this earthly life to my parents on December the 3rd 1974 AD around 3:00 p.m. in Pocatello Idaho in the United States of America.
And I was singing before I could talk.
The Murdock ancestry is tied to the beginnings of the church of latter-day saints of Jesus Christ; and my earthly father's, David Ellis Murdock, ancestors came from one twin and my earthly mother's, Olive Sue Murdock, ancestors came from the other twin. Both adopted and raised by Joseph Smith Jr. and his wife Emma Hale Smith.
They are unaware of my secret spiritual lineage, my purpose for being, my real Angelic name, and that I will be the last messenger from GOD.
Like most are unaware that Jesus Christ's wife was Mary, and the evil church turned her into a whore to take away power from Women; and that they had children and the Christ bloodline exists in humanity today.
But that doesn't make them sacred, chosen, or any more special than any other human.
They too have free will and are judged.
Like this Dalai Lama will be the last of his reincarnation before returning to GOD and our Angel family.
The Dalai Lama is one of our oldest reincarnating Angels left here as a guide by GOD. We are of the same Angel family, and have served humanity throughout time on behest of GOD.
I was named Ken Call Murdock after a high school football player that my Dad coached and unfortunately drowned while camping with my parents on a church outing.
When they brought me home Tisha called my K.C., and I have been KC ever since. Ken is a foreign name to me, and I often don’t realize people are talking to me when they use that.
I was a gift from GOD for the faith of David and his earthly deeds.
He prayed tirelessly for a son and GOD rewarded his faith.
I was the last born and only son with three older sisters.
Tisha is ten years older than me, Tina the middle sister, and Tonya the closest to me in age.
My Mother was warned not to have another child as her labor with Tonya was intense and dangerous.
She was given the option to have an abortion, and GOD would have gifted me to another family.
And with good reason as we both almost died during my birth.
But she is a strong resilient Woman as I have had a lifetime to observe.
Nor is birthing Angels ever easy for humans.
Our Idaho home was full of darkness and a malevolent spirit that stalked me at night and made me scared of the dark for a long time.
It lived in the basement under the stairs in the daytime. I felt its presence and dark energy at all times in that house.
But at night it would wander the halls up stairs outside my bedroom.
And it got more intense once Tonya got her own room, and Tisha and Tina were moved into the basement.
My parents are heavy sleepers and I can hear them snoring in the room next to me. Dad is like a train compared to Mom.
But to them I am just a scared little boy with nightmares and with my eyes open wide I have always seen what few can and many do not believe.
I would dart across the hall into the bathroom like I was Superman at night when I had to go to the bathroom. I was 4 years old dodging the evil entity clawing at me.
But the fear in me from this shadow changeling monster got worse and I started peeing in the corner of my room instead of crossing the hall.
I received my first bare bottom spanking from Dad in his ignorance and my explanation landed on deaf ears with the entire family.
They are blind to what they can not see and do not know.
I was called a liar, fib teller, untrustworthy, exaggerator, spacey.. etc and learned fast that they don’t believe anything I say.
Other than that I grew up in a happy home and what I considered at the time a perfect family, but I was a child.
Sadness struck our home with the sickness of cancer. My Dad had throat cancer and it spread viciously and rapidly.
He had lost his voice at my soccer game when I was 5 and as a young child I did not know what cancer was. I shouldered the blame myself and thought my dad was sick because of me.
And when my Grandpa died from cancer too I figured I was the curse of my family. Not a blessing at all, but a living curse.
They did not know that the United States government had a secret patent on curing cancer with Cannabis. God’s Gift and greatest of Herb Bearing Seeds.
They heard about the hippies juicing wheatgrass and started growing their own. That juice was nasty as we were forced to drink the healthy concoctions as kids.
Too bad they didn’t know about juicing Cannabis since we just found the CBDa and CBGa from the natural plant help fight the deadly Covid-19 virus that has had the world grid locked in a two year pandemic like the end of the world is coming. It actually is coming!
It would have cured Dad’s cancer, and saved his life and our family from such heartache.
In their desperation they traveled to Chicago for surgery after surgery. To Salt Lake City.
They even traveled to the Philippines to see a natural healer that supposedly removed tumors with his bare hands. More like sleight of hand and pigs blood from a con artist. I have seen the photos.
I would learn later that Dad’s goal was to baptize me himself when I turned eight years old as was their religious beliefs.
I remember the day well, because I still couldn’t swim and was scared of the water.
But my Dad’s embrace calmed my nervousness, and his voice gave me words of comfort before submerging me under the water.
Then everyone made a big deal out of it, but nothing had changed. GOD was always with me and had plans for me.
Plus a baptism is just another beautiful metaphor, and the physical act and tradition has nothing to do with getting into Heaven or not.
And on the morning of September 30th 1983 AD he passed to the other side. I was rushed off to school as my family stayed home to see my father off.
I would resent my mother for that for years, but have forgiven her since. She was grieving and just trying her best to keep it together in front of her little boy.
Before his death I had a nightmare. My Parents found me climbing the bedpost of the bunk bed screaming, “come back!”
The family went to the moon in a spaceship. They left in the spaceship and forgot me on earth’s moon.
Leaving me behind alone in the quiet of space with the only sound my terrified screams. Darkness and nothingness surrounded the moon and me.
It was the loneliest I had ever felt at that point in my young life.
Three nights after my father’s death he came to me in a dream. The sun was rising and the day was breaking.
He guided me past the front door and turned left through the living room. We went straight through the dining table and spectered through the wall outside above our backyard.
I could feel the breeze on my face from the left and the warmth of the morning sun as I held my Dad’s hand.
We continued past the apple tree and chain link fence in our backyard. Hovering over the park behind our house, I could see and hear the other kids outside of my elementary school just a few houses away to the right.
We stopped there and he said to me, “I love you. Take care of your mother.”
GOD knows I tried.
The heaviness of our family's grief only fed the changelings' need to torment our family further in that house.
As adults Tisha and Tina would both tell me about the Old Lady at the ancient spindle they would see downstairs. Tisha swears to this day that was a different entity than the one that tormented me. We talk about it now, and it could have been.
One day after school Matt and I came back to our house to play. We came in the door turning left and then right to go the next few steps to my bedroom in the hall. We both froze in our tracks next to each other staring down the hall.
“Let’s play at my house.”, Matt suggested. To which I quickly agreed and we left immediately scared out of our little minds and souls.
We finally got the courage to talk about it and I saw the floating head of my Dad at the end of the hall; and he saw his dead Grandfather’s floating head at the end of the hall.
But we both instinctively knew that it was not our loved ones and it was something Evil stalking us. It was the changeling entity and I knew it. And now Matt did too.
For years to follow a Woman would visit me in my dreams. She was a comfort to me at all times of sorrow.
Her face was blurry to me, but her eyes were visible and familiar. These were not the things of horror or nightmares, but the face of my love. Her eyes were filled with love and compassion for me.
She was my Dream Angel and Destiny. She felt like Home.
She felt like mine and I was hers, and she was watching over me; and she was waiting for me to find her.
I was not allowed to see her full face or know her yet. She was comfort and Home. She was warmth, and love and light.
But only as a child and I would look for her all my life.
Tisha and Tina graduated and left the house.
I would grow up in a different family than them.

Chapter 2 - 1985/1990 AD

Mom moved Tonya and myself to Kaysville Utah sometime in the summer of 1985 to be closer to relatives.
I was not happy about starting a new school in fifth grade and had a difficult time making new friends.
And kids that age can be especially cruel to grieving kids or to each other in general. I wasn’t innocent of being a jerk to other kids either. Friends and family alike. I have always worn my heart on my chest for all to see, and try to stab from time to time.
We moved into a house owned by Aunt Frances and Uncle Sid. Aunt Frances was my Mom’s favorite person and pretty much everyone’s favorite person. Angel before this life maybe? Most likely or at least the kind of human that qualified and is in Heaven now deservingly.
We were blessed to be able to stay there and Aunt Frances let us slide on rent many times when my Mom was a financially struggling widow in a world run by greedy stupid fucking men.
Women should run the world and be in charge as they are smarter in general and more compassionate!
Sid was not happy about it each time, but Frances was not the type of person to let her family suffer needlessly.
This house was worse than the last. The darkness in smoke form lived downstairs to the left and the room on the right in this split level home. It was pure evil and terror.
But my room was upstairs away from it and Tonya slept in the room next to it.
It fed on her grief at nights and she changed in that house, but I was the only one that saw it happening.
Summer of 1988 was particularly difficult for me.
As a teenager I couldn't tell anyone but I can talk about it now; but when you have stood before the darkness it is something difficult to speak of.
My teenage years would be troubled in many ways. I was not your typical troubled kid acting out. Sure I was angry at God, a freaking lot by my 20's too, for taking my dad with cancer, my grandpa with cancer, my scoutmaster (Mr Larkin) who was like a dad to me with cancer, and I was scared to love anyone in my life because I'm obviously the curse and denominating factor.
I might eve cause cancer for all I know at that time.
Then I was molested, and I will get to that.
But my poor Mom, because I totally stopped hugging her and my relationship with her would worsen after my molestation.
Because after that I retreated into myself.
But I wandered the streets at night in Kaysville, Utah in the 1980's.
Hungry. I was always so hungry. I am here for the food.
It was the age of cassettes and the walkman, and man did I use every single one of mine to their death. The sports ones were the best because I am accident prone and dropped my first few; and those ones were made tough. Took them on family trips, scouting, and church events.
Since I was the youngest I never got to control the radio but not with my walkman. I could listen to whatever I wanted. And even at 10 my taste in music was varied with all eras of rock, pop, r&b, the blues, jazz, big band, and of course several Chicago albums and their greatest hits.
I listened to Chicago the most. Singing along with those albums got me through a lot of sad times after dad died. People know I'm a hopeless romantic, but most of their 80's love songs remind me of dad and are not romantic to me; but instead remind me of a time when all my guardian angels were called to arms.
We moved to Kaysville to be closer to family as the medical bills from fighting cancer left Mom with little choice. It was a good move other than the darkness that lived in that house basement.
Mom was just starting her career going with AFLAC insurance and substitute teaching when available, because I've never seen anyone with a work ethic like my Mom. ANYONE!
She just turned 78 last week and still has not retired. I am 42 and can barely move this week. Thanks for that back, ugh. Stupid spine!!!
However, this would be the second haunted house I would have to live at, but not the last; and most definitely the worst of them with an evil entity.
Most hauntings are just the dead souls waiting on judgement, and have no malicious intent.
It was Mom, Tonya, and myself in that house.
Tisha was a nanny in New York and Tina was on her mormon mission when we were first living there.
Tonya took the room downstairs and the room next to that was used for the storage of Mom's gymnastics files.
Mom and I were had bedrooms on the upstairs level. I rarely went down stairs and would not spend time down there.
Why do the bad spirits always live downstairs and in basements? I am gonna have to ponder that question some more and come up with a hypothesis.
We kept our canned food under the stairs and that may have creeped me out a bit, because that's where the ghost lived in the last house; but it was the room next to Tonya's where the darkness dwelled.
I would run in the sliding glass door from the backyard with the dog at my heels, around the corner, down the hall, and up the stairs as fast as I could; because I didn't want to spend a second down there longer than necessary.
That was when I first moved in, but would eventually get more comfortable downstairs; and still avoided the room of darkness.
After Tonya graduated from high school she followed the independence of our family and moved out like we all did at 18.
I was now a teenager and wanted my own independence too. So I moved downstairs and took over Tonya's room to be on the opposite side of the house from Mom.
That freedom would come with a price that Summer.
It wasn't my first night sleeping there when the darkness came for me, but it was in my first week down there.
Too bad I didn't have a lock, cause that would have saved me a world of teenage angst and arguments with my Mom that she never understood why.
Mothers do not try to rip the covers off or start tickling your teenage son in the mornings.
Morning erections are embarrassing enough without your Mom trying to force you out of bed! Especially as a hormonal teenager that is confused about what is going on with their bodies.
A locked door would not have kept the darkness out, because a closed door couldn't keep it out of my room either. It came under the crack of the door.
My room went cold just after midnight. It was not cold outside that night, because it was summer and warm.
But my room was freezing.
Seems like a lifetime ago, but still clear. My bedroom door was closed as usual, because Mom is a morning person.
I felt a presence that stirred me from my sleep and looked around my dark room. It was only lit by the moonlight coming in through the small basement window.
I could not see it at first and only had a feeling that something wasn't right; and I have been all too familiar with the unknown that should be feared.
I could not see it, but felt it. Then I saw it. I felt like my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Was I dreaming?
I rubbed my eyes hard and looked again. Yep, I see it.
What the hell is that?
I pinched myself.
Okay, I felt that and am pretty sure I am awake right now, and past experiences definitely gave me reason to pause questioning my current consciousness. Now, I am looking with increasing curiosity and trying to adjust my eyes to the low lighting.
It flowed slowly under the door. Like a black smoke that appeared solid and not solid at the same time.
I could still see the floor and door through it; and some areas were thick and as black as black can be absorbing all light like a black hole.
It pulsated with pure evil unlike anything I have experienced since then. Almost like it breathed.
The hair stood up on my arms and back of the neck. I got the chills and goosebumps everywhere.
My body froze with fear and I couldn't move a muscle as I watched it creep under the door. It spreads almost methodically across the floor. It creeps along the baseboards of the walls first in both directions, and expands to the rest of the floor.
It moves slowly, taking its time to fill the room completely covering the floor. How much time had passed before it had filled the room is beyond my comprehension, but it seemed like a very long time.
Once it had taken over the room it just sat there in constant motion like the waves of the ocean that never stop.
Some areas were thicker than others and in those spots I could not see the floor. It was a few inches thick everywhere on the floor, from wall to wall, and up against the wood frame of the water bed.
It could not come up the side of the bed, but it wanted to, and it wanted me. I knew that.
It was like in constant motion like the ocean, but black evil waves of smoke.
I stayed awake all night and watched it recede back under the door into its home in the box room with Mom’s gymnastic files as the sun rose.
I was more tired, confused, and scared than I have ever been in my entire life; and never told a soul.
You reading this would be the first people I have ever told the truth. Somehow I slept for a few hours that morning.
Good thing that never happened again.
Seriously?
You believe that?
Then you don't know EVIL!
It was back again the next night and every single night after that without fail.
It was relentless and it wanted to feed on my soul or consume or corrupt or change me like it did Tonya.
The first week was exhausting as I watched it come in and leave in the morning, and I could barely keep my eyes open by the time the sun drove it away.
After that I decided the next week to leave my bedroom door open. Yes, stupid right? I wanted to see if there was more to it. Conducting science experiments in mind.
Was their an entire body of the entity or only that part could make it under the door?
I told you I am stupid, right?
It was for science.
That night it came right on cue. It came around the corner and I could see it had nothing else to it than I had already seen.
It had no height to it and that gave me my first spark of courage lighting a fire under my ass; and as it ever so slowly came around the corner into my room I burst from the bed, sprinting past it, turning right, and upstairs to the front room.
I flung myself on the couch and succumbed to a week's worth of not sleeping.
Feeling like a champion that defeated its foe I enjoyed my day of summer time shenanigans with friends and went about my afternoon not thinking about what the night would bring.
It would bring darkness again into my room.
I was asleep this time when I was awakened with that sinking feeling in my stomach and sure enough it was coming under the door.
Freaking out inside but I managed to grab my blanket and get to the door, go out, turn right, and upstairs to the couch again.
This time I did not pass out from tiredness and I laid there wide awake, but something still didn't feel right to me and that sinking feeling in my stomach came back suddenly.
I sat up on the couch, got to my knees, and looked over the railing at the switchback stairs.
“You gotta be kidding me?!” I thought.
It is creeping up the stairs. I sat there terrified more than I had been any previous night and watched it come all the way up the stairs. Seemed like forever to me.
It reached the top of the stairs and came right. To the left was the kitchen, my old room, and the hallway to my Mom's room.
It did not go that direction at all. It filled the front room floor entirely, under the couch, and spilled over the side back down the stairs into itself again; and the stairs still covered in the darkness of evil leading to the basement were black.
It stirred on the floor like the highest of tides in a winter storm that splashed against the couch trying to reach me. I crawled up on the arm of the couch and suddenly all my childhood years of playing "lava is floor" skills had become not only useful; but saved my life and I jumped over it to the other couch against the wall.
The sea of evil tossed under me, as I flew through the air, trying to reach upwards at me; and I landed on the other couch with a bounce up on the back of the couch leaning against the wall.
I held on to that spot for dear life until the morning light with knuckles cramped, and white from the bloodless grip of what was my certain death.
After a week of no sleeping again and sitting in the fetal position on the back of the couch it was time for change.
All week I had contemplated jumping over it and darting down the hall to my Mom's room, but this evil was after me and followed me and wanted me.
And I was not going down the hall.
There was no way I could let that thing follow me into her room.
I had to do something. I couldn't allow this to continue, get my mom, or get me either. I felt so alone and had no one to talk to. No one to tell. My sisters were gone and I could never tell mom.
The next night I was ready for it to come and did the only thing I could think of. RUN!!!
I stayed dressed that night in my full ninja outfit with hood and all, and when it came for me I ran past it, turned right, up the stairs, and straight out the front door to disappear into the night like the ninja in training I thought I was.
I stealthily practiced staying in the shadows of that sleepy Kaysville Utah town in the 1980's, because not much ever happened there back then. It was a very safe place to grow up.
As long as you don't count the demon living in the room next to me or in the molesting mormons in church, that was a great town. I slept in a park that night in the grass, but at least I slept. As fall approaches this will get cold for me.
Now I had a plan that worked, but that second night was kinda boring.
Yep, bored walking around the town at night by myself as a 14 year old cause there is evil stalking me in the house.
Yep, this boring life I lead. I could sleep in the mornings after mom took off to work and catch up, but needed to find a way to entertain myself. This time I packed my Walkman and Chicago’s, the band, greatest hits cassette tape.
Those that know me personally know that I was singing all night long at the top of my lungs, because that's what I do and part of who I am.
The walks to the park became shorter, because I couldn't exactly wake up the neighborhood at 1, 2, 3, or 5 a.m. every night, and eventually became less; because I changed directions and jumped my back fence to go through the farmers field and walk around by the ponds and the no man's lands next to the freeway.
I would be lying if I didn't include that I went to the other side of the freeway a few times and of course my invincible ass literally ran across the highway and not the road under it; because I was Superman and there was no traffic at that time of night anyway.
Did I mention that I was indestructible and thought I was Superman?
My sisters convinced me I could fly as a kid in my Superman outfit that I always wore. They got me on the roof of our Pocatello house and told me to fly. I did not land in fluffy snow, but directly on ice when I plummeted down.
However, I roamed farther and wider than a kid that age should at night alone, but I had the best guardian angels around and then some.
I would walk and sing to Chicago and think about how much I missed Dad. So basically all night crying. You've seen me cry and you know that ain't stopping once it gets going.
"I am Jesus"
What was that? “No, I'm Superman.” I jokingly thought.
"I am Jesus"
Huh?
"I am Jesus" I hear through the blaring music in my ears. That was in my head.
What's going on? I turn off my Walkman.
"I am Jesus." a voice as clear as my own said.
"No, I'm not." I actually said out loud to my own brain.
Okay, this is the point that I am officially freaking out and think that I am going insane, and head home without music as the sun rises over the Rocky Mountains.
Crashed hard that morning and slept.
Woke up the next day and questioned my sanity. Any person at any age at that time should naturally be questioning their sanity and questioning everything at this point.
Why do I think I am Jesus Christ?
I have a Mom and Dad.
Unless I really am adopted like my sisters said I was?
If I am adopted then who am I really?
Has my entire life been a lie?
Am I supposed to die on the cross again?
Do I have the power to heal?
My mind was racing with thoughts.
Turns out that one of those is true as my gifts expanded as an adult and mastered my gifts of healing.
I sure wasn't Jesus, but little did I know that he was introducing himself and letting me know that I was gonna need him soon more than I knew.
The summer ended and school started. It was my 7th grade year and I was so excited to finally be in junior high school (middle school).
I will never ever forget the first day of school either. I tell this story all the time, because my Mom was a teacher before this.
I was at Kaysville Jr filling out my paperwork and the lady double checking my paperwork decided to let me know that I messed up, but had no idea that she just messed up.
"Excuse me. You filled this out wrong.", old woman says pointing at the fill in the blank line.
"No I didn't.", I quickly replied.
She takes a big breath and lets out a giant sigh, "Oh, dear. Let me explain this to you."
I am rolling my eyes at her condescending tone now, because even my 13 old self hated condescending bullshit from people talking down to me already.
"You see. This is asking for your Mother's Maiden Name.", she says. Enunciating obnoxiously to make her point.
"Yeah, I know.", I interrupted her on purpose. Adults get triggered so easily and it is fun for me as a kid smarter than most of them already.
"No, apparently you don't. You see your ‘Mother's Maiden Name’", she put some Utah passive aggressive stank on that, "is her last name. She had that before she married your father. Women take the man’s last name. Your Mom had a different last name before you were born. Do you know what that was?" She asks, looking at me like I'm the stupidest child on the planet.
This is why I fucking hate adults as an adult!!!
Now I am angry and going to really push her buttons. She walked right into this, and it is amusing for me.
I can see right through you, your emotions, your thoughts, your intentions, and your next move.
That gift was so strong in me at that age I had no idea how to control it or stop it; and almost everyone around me was just glass and see through.
"I did.", was my short snarky answer because now I have decided to mess with her.
"Ok son." She called me.
I am not your son and may be adopted, and for all I know I might be Jesus. Don't fucking call me son!
I tried to smite her with my mind.
Maybe I'm not Jesus? She was not smited at all. Bummer.
"You don't understand. I need your Mother's Maiden Name!”, she yelled at me, getting visibly frustrated.
“You wrote Murdock. That is your name. That is your last name. That is your Mother's last name too, but she used to have another last name before that. Do you know what that was?", she asked with her face turning red.
"Yeah of course I do.", I said with all the sass and sarcasm I could scoff at her.
She was not happy with my response and rolled her eyes at me this time, "Well what is it then?" She snapped at me.
"Murdock!", I exclaimed very loudly and you know how loud I am. I had yelled it in her face basically. A child yelling in an adults face louder than she could ever get, and that was my intent.
You could see the fury in her eyes now and her frustration levels with me made her head explode. Like a cartoon with steam coming out her ears she was gonna put me in my place and teach this unruly teenager a lesson in humility and make him eat his words. Ha ha ha ha ha here is what happened.
"I'm calling your Mother!", she storms off into the office behind her and calls Mom who was at home working on paperwork for AFLAC. We lived a block and a half down the road and she was there in no time.
You should have seen my Mom bust through those doors like WONDER WOMAN about to save SUPERMAN from kryptonite once again, because she was my hero and she had brought the lasso of truth to choke this obnoxious woman with.
And boy did she.
And I enjoyed every moment with glee.
This is one of the angriest moments I have ever seen my Mom have, and she ripped this woman a new asshole for disturbing her work time to come and explain that her child is perfectly capable of filling out his own school paperwork properly.
Oh sweet Jesus! She lost it on her though when this woman tried to explain to my Mom what a Maiden Name was.
She actually thought my Mom was stupid and didn't know either. Ha ha it was awesome. She lit into her and put that teacher in her place.
After the dust settled and this teacher realized she had screwed up she apologized. Then she got that look in her eyes and I knew it had just clicked in her primitive judgmental mind, because I had seen that look every year when Mom was the one registering me for school previous years.
Let me do the mental math for you. You can actually see their eyes darting back and forth as they calculate this in their heads. Murdock is his last name. Murdock is her Maiden Name. Oh my god this poor inbred little bastard is probably inbred and mentally disabled!
And then give me a sympathetic look.
This is the same look I would get from all my teachers. It also came with derogatory looks, and less help from teachers that their treatment of me was detrimental to my learning process as an empathic child and teenager.
How am I supposed to do my best when my teachers project their sad attempts at sympathy, and are tip-toeing around their imagined perceptions on what they thought my learning capabilities were limited by? So they would give up on me, and not even bother with me.
The answer is it is very difficult and frustrating. I hated school for that, but at least I got to watch my Mom go off on that lady. One glorious time in all those years.
Besides hating school and the attitude I received from my teachers it was difficult for me, because I had an evil smoke entity keeping me up at night. Now my sleeping in the morning was only a few hours giving birth to the insomniac I am today, but that's about to get worse and will affect my sleep for decades to come changing my entire life.
13 is a very influential age and I was as easily influenced as any kid that age was, and especially by our friends. Roman and I quickly became friends.
He was a big teenager for our age and was intimidating to most of the kid's at our school and even the upperclassmen. He didn't have the best home life and didn't like most people, but I got along with most people and we hung out a lot. He protected me from bullies.
He introduced me to 2 Live Crew and the world of curse words, and sex. I took to it the swearing like a duck in water. I was a natural and rapping along with fowl lyrics that I did not fully understand. Or even understood a little bit for that matter.
I remember Tisha was visiting and I asked her, "Hey, I was at Roman's house the other day and he went into the bathroom for like an hour. He just left me sitting there. Why?"
Luckily I have a pretty open and honest family, "He was probably masturbating." She casually said.
Gross! I thought. Like I even knew what that was.
I had been having plenty of wet dreams though at this time, and it was an embarrassing part of those teenage years. Which of course got me more curious about my own orgasms, body, jerking off, and completely natural act of exploring sexuality.
I am not saying masturbation is a sin or a bad thing, but all things in moderation with that too and the mormons have a lot of rules against that with all the built in guilt that comes along with their shaming.
So the first time I choked my chicken made me feel really guilty and ashamed. I wasn't even at my own house when I did it, but was at my Uncle's house in Spanish Fork my first time.
We visited them often because they only lived an hour away and we moved to Utah to be closer to our relatives.
"Your Birthday is coming up and it's gonna be time for patriarchal blessing. Do you want me to make an appointment for you?", Mom inquired.
"No. You won't need that. I will guide you." Jesus said to me when she asked.
"No thanks. I don't want one.", I told her matter of factly.
The looks of disappointment in her eyes would not be the last time I saw that look. I still see it when she talks to me and I am 42 years old.
Down the road comes thanksgiving, I prefer Indigenous Day to the colonizing named holiday, and the annual family gathering at the Uncle's house. Lots of cousins and a ton of food.
Followed by basketball in the backyard, hide and seek, pretend army (I was the only ninja in the army like Snake Eyes in G.I. Joe), the trampoline, the fort, and all the play activities that are non-stop at that age with unlimited energy and no attention span.
It was a long day that ended with an Atari Pong video game in the basement family room. This is also where we put out our sleeping bags for the night on the floor and talked until Uncle Larry yelled down the stairs to shut up and go to sleep.
Commanding voices run in the family and he surely did that. I was worried about going to sleep there and having another wet dream. That would be super embarrassing for me.
In the middle of the night I woke up out of a sexual dream super embarrassed, feeling uncomfortable, and with that same creepy pit in my stomach that wakes me up at our house in Kaysville.
The room was dark with just enough light to see the evil look in his eyes staring at me with his hand on my dick jerking me off!
"You're just dreaming. Go back to bed.", this psycho whispers to me. Kerry's eyes were black and evil.
"No I am not.", I exclaimed as I slapped Kerry's perverted hand off of my penis.
I grab my sleeping bag and run up stairs horrified, and run up to the third level diving face first into the couch and hiding under the sleeping bag.
It was the only place I could think to hide because it was right outside my Aunt and Uncle's bedroom and there was no way that psycho fucking son of theirs would come all the way up there to try that again.
I sat there wide awake with my knees up to my chest and the sleeping bag pulled up to my nose so that only my eyes were above to watch my surroundings. I was looking around for the Evil Smoke Monster or my Evil Chester Molester Cousin, and was not going to sleep that night.
That's when my other cousin came out of her room and I pretended to sleep, and she went into the bathroom. Who takes a shower at that time of night anyway?
She comes out around 15 minutes later and opens the door with a towel on her head and nothing else. Great, now the first naked woman I have seen is my cousin. Not great.
This I cannot unsee and this night will haunt me for decades after this; but my tormented mind was about to get worse.
I never slept on my back again after that night. Always stomach down to protect my dick.
A week later I am sleeping upstairs on the couch, because it's clear to me now that all basements in every house everywhere are where Evil lives; and had a life changing nightmare.
I woke up in a fright and looked around the front room to find that it was morning, and I was alone on the couch; but that night in my nightmare my own Mother molested me next.
Of course that was just a nightmare and never happened, but every time she touched me or hugged me after that my skin would crawl, and I would disappear into my shell for protection. My poor Mom never knew why and just thought I was being a rebellious teenager.
But it wasn’t just her either. My skin would crawl anytime I was touched by anyone at all after that.
How do you tell your Mom that you can't stand a hug from her and it makes you want to jump out of your skin?
You don't! You hide it and you hide everything from everyone because who would believe you anyway.
As if I couldn't feel more alone. Months later down the road I would feel lonelier.
Glen Murdock, my Grandpa, died February 1989 and went to be with his son, my Dad, and it was hard work avoiding my molester at the funeral; but I managed.
The reason this made me feel so much more alone was because he was my last living male role model. A few years earlier our home teacher, neighbor, and adopted scout Dad was taken from me by cancer too.
But grandpa was never really around our family and wasn't a role in my life at all really.
Mr Larkin took me to all the Father and Son's Boy Scouts outings and camping trips. He has lost his own son to a childhood disease and we both needed each other in our lives at that time. I was the son he was missing and he was the father figure that I was missing.
His oldest daughter cut my hair and I had the hugest crush on her, and our families were pretty close. His death was pretty devastating on me and now losing my Grandfather had confirmed to me that I am cursed and will never have people in my life to love.
This made it so much easier to push Mom away after my nightmare too, because I told myself I was protecting her from the plague on humanity that is KC. Everyone I care about will die! Everyone!
We went back to their house for family dinner and the sharing of family memories. I am unusually quiet for me, but was written off as sadness. The older cousins gathered in the upstairs nook above the kitchen and sang music to the keyboard.
They started writing a song for Grandpa. Too many heads in the mix trying to get lyrics just right. I had been writing songs to myself since I was a kid and singing them out loud as they came to me, but always alone when no one was around.
This would be the first time that I actually wrote it on paper though, and after my cousins read it they put a melody to it for me.
Then they sang it out loud in a beautiful harmony that filled the house as the adults stopped what they were doing to listen throughout the house.
I still sing it in the shower to this day and that song helped me get through some hard times.
I wrote it for myself, and not the family. That is why I never recorded it.
It went like this:
Verse 1: I was only 9 when he left me that morning. I didn't say goodbye and now he's far far away. Now I'm 14 and there's another gone. He's up there with his Son. My Dad and my Grandpa too.
Chorus : I just don't think it's fair when they leave you. Cause you're never ready. Oh, it's not fair when God takes their souls away from you. Because you're never ready. Ready. Ready!!!
Verse 2: Trying to cope with life. When it's around me. Like trying to cope with death. When it surrounds me. Someday I know! That it will be alright. But for now......
Chorus: I just don't think it's fair when they leave you. Cause you're never ready.
Oh, it's not fair when God takes their souls away from you. Because you're never ready. Ready. Ready!!! Oh it's not fair when God takes their souls away from you. Cause you’re never ready, ready ready!!!Oh it's not fair when God takes their souls away from YOU.
Not a dry eye in the house and my Mom, last person I wanted to see, came upstairs with the Aunts and Uncles to hear it again and find out who wrote that. Then of course she wanted a hug and we now know how that made me feel. Worse! My poor Mother.
Now the curse is all too real. Grandpa is dead, I am scared to death of our house, I am going insane with a voice in my head, school sucks, and how can any GOD let me go through this let alone let my cousin get away with what he did to me.
I hated God. I hated Jesus, but Jesus never left my side.
I must deserve all that has happened to me and don't deserve love.
I hate this religion and church. I hate everyone.
"This is not your religion." Jesus Christ
No, kidding. We agree there. I am never going back!!!
"Honor your Mother." Jesus Christ
What? You just said it wasn't my religion and agreed with me?!!!
"Honor your Mother." GOD
So I did just that and never told her how much I hated being a mormon and couldn't stand every bishop we ever had. Those personal interviews asking me about touching myself.
My aaronic priesthood interview with the bishop was the creepiest and most perverted thing ever. He wanted gross details about our private parts, wet dreams, masturbation, and all kinds of things us kids didn't even know about yet.
None of your fucking business you fucking pervert? I have zero trust of adults and especially males after this.
As an adult I would later find out from Mason that he and all the other boys from our church had the same experience with him, and he was a known molester later that the church covered up.
I was just looked at as a trouble maker and I wanted nothing to do with anyone let alone tell anyone the truth about my life.
That spring after being haunted by the evil spirit in our house and sleeping on the couch every night it finally happened.
"I will keep you safe. Lay down." GOD
You want me to do what?
"Lay down." GOD
Fine! I deserve this. You are right. I don't care and am ready to die. Take my soul you evil piece of shit!
I did as I was commanded and laid down on the carpet upstairs in the walkway between the two couches. I was about to lose to the lava, and I lay down on the floor on purpose to let the Evil Smoke Monster take me.
Right on cue it came up the stairs towards me. It surrounded me and covered me fully, but never touched me and had no power over me.
GOD was protecting me. With a forcefield of light.
GOD was teaching me that demons are jealous, envious, revengeful, hate filled, and desperate twisted entities; but we as humans have power over them and the power to repel their evilness away. At that time, though, I did not know it, and just laid down there on the floor ready to be taken to hell.
I did not go to HELL.
And never saw that Evil come after me again.
Tina came into town for christmas, and the timing was perfect.
I came home from school and I itched all over my legs. She had me take off my pants to check me out as a professional nurse.
"Oh you have hives. You are having a pretty bad allergic reaction to something." She told me.
I had huge raised bumps all over my legs that hurt and were red colored around the raised parts.
Tina found a huge dried clump of laundry detergent on the inside of my pants, and went to the store to get me some antihistamines for the allergic reaction.
Mom got home from work and we let her know what happened to me and that is the laundry soap.
She emotionally blew up on me like an overgrown child, "Wash your own damn laundry form now on then!" she yelled storming off like usual.
Everything to her is me telling her she is a bad mother.
My allergy.
My hunger pains.
My knee pains.
Tina quietly stood there not shocked at our mothers unhinged outburst as that is normal behavior for her.
The next day Tina showed me how to do my laundry. Mom had many times before, but since I just had a severe allergic reaction I had to learn a new and better way to do laundry with powder soap.
Liquid soap was a game changer for me in life.
But a doctor was never even a thought once.
Mom couldn't afford insurance for us after Dad and going bankrupt from medical bills for his cancer that did not have to kill him.
Widowed and a single mother she sure could have used a functioning healthcare system for free.
And especially me.
A child.
A kid.
Where were the Pro-Life fucks then?

Chapter 3 - 1993/2000 AD

Everytime I close my eyes for sleep all I can see is his face telling me that "it's just a dream" and keeping me from falling asleep.
This is my nightly demon that torments me from my teens through my twenties.
This was my mental pain. My emotional continued abuse as a victim trapped in a loop of PTSD.
But I had real physical pains too.
And no one ever believed me as usual.
Mom just told me they were growing spurts that every teenager deals with, but I never believed her; because none of my friends were experiencing the same types of pains and issues.
The biggest issues from 10 years old through 13 years of age were the locking of my knees, the high gag reflex that triggered vomit, and the nausea and stomach pains when I was hungry. I was always hungry.
Mom was struggling and we were blessed by the family and the mormon church’s food bank for their poor to have food in the house.
It sucked and I complained a lot, but I mostly complained because of the pain in my stomach and how often I would throw up my own stomach acid.
The mormons like their fasting for any damn reason really. I was forced to not eat and lost nourishment for my body & mind a lot in my teenage years; and every time I became physically ill throwing up, feeling nauseous and dizzy, and having difficulty concentrating at school.
I would lose all my energy at school.
My stomach would twist and try to eat itself causing unbearable pains and discomfort.
Plus when I was eating there was an 80% chance I would throw up and not keep down whatever meal was just had. This would go on my entire life and worse now with chronic pains and illness today.
I apologize for my breath to everyone in life, and I hope you never know the frustration of throwing up 5 times in a row trying not to be a stinky boy in middle school.
And told no one.
The knees were extremely painful all the time.
It was excruciatingly painful when it happened and I would have to use both hands, arms, back, and leg muscles to force my legs into a straight position. They would lock on me while walking and I would just fall down where I was.
Can't walk when your knee won't bend or even move. It got so bad and painful that I grew fearful they would lock up on me every time I knelt down.
During family prayers my knees would hurt so bad that I had to put a pillow under them for absorption because the shag carpet wasn't soft enough. My Uncle's would however give me shit for it in their short sided views of life.
Sitting on the lawn with friends and they would just stand up to leave; but all of a sudden I couldn't even stand or move my legs. I would roll to the left side and pry open my right leg with all my might; and it would pop open with a bang that was felt by me but heard by no one. Then roll to the right and repeat on the left knee.
Running hurts too. This was the fun and physically painfulness of my early teenage years. My late teens were riddled with even worse knee problems continuing through my twenties.
My right knee was the worse of the two and would just pop out of the socket and then right back in again. Then it would swell up like a cantaloupe for a week or two; usually putting me on crutches or cane in my twenties.
The first big one at the Tally's home in Anaheim was while playing table tennis or ping pong against Julie my Senior Year of High School.
The last really bad one was in a batting cage after Grandma Fern Murdock's (Dad's Mom) funeral in Utah with all the cousins; and of course I stayed in there swinging while hopping on my left leg because I am a Murdock. I paid for those pitches after all and can't show weaknesses in front of the men or women in this toxic family.
We went to dinner after that and Tonya accused me of faking the pain.
Tina helped me into the restaurant. Then Tina took me to a Target store and bought me a cane on the way back to Larry and Ana's, the place I was molested by their son Kerry.
I still have that cane to this day, and it has been very useful. Plus it is a great memory of my sister that loved me and cared for me when other self centered cunts did not.
I spent most of my 20’s in Utah. I moved 9 times in 7 years.
But during those years I didn't get sick from NOT eating.
And would blow out my knee on many occasions putting me on crutches for weeks.
Bob and Dana allowed me to move in and out of their home as much as I needed. The Murdock mansion had lots of kids coming and going.
Bob was a dick about it every time, and my cousins forced him into it; and despite his grumpy nature about it he always said yes to everyone because of his big heart.
He also took my kitten Caroline and dropped her off at the city dump. After a week of flyers some lady found her on the side of the road, and brought her back.
I forgave him for that eventually, but always gave him shit for it.
I had a lot of different styles of jobs, and learned a lot about the working world and was even a manager at a call center.
I tried almost all of the drugs on the planet. Not all of them, but most to see what could help me go to bed without the nightmares and seeing Kerry Murdock’s evil smile every time I closed my eyes.
I imagined thousands of ways to kill him with my bare hands, and make him suffer the way my soul was suffering from the damage he caused.
I avoided sleep with raves, and cocaine or whatever upper white powder was popular and available at the time for free from a friend. Never purchased any of that once.
Nor did I have to. In the 1990’s in Utah you could go to prison for one seed of Cannabis.
And the entire state would run dry and you couldn’t get any weed.
Unless you were me.
I always had 8 pot dealers at a time, and when they were all out I went to this sweet old hippie lady that had the best weed in the state.
Which meant I was the man to see when you couldn’t find it anywhere, and I always could.
I was the stoner, and it helped me the most with sleep and the nightmares. I always had some and knew multiple people to get it from at any time.
So I was in high demand when they needed to come down from their powder drugs all night. They would come by my house to smoke, and then go crash out for the day.
Not to buy from me, but just to smoke and go to bed. So the nights I was in the mood to join them it was never a money issue.
Many and most of my friends were womanizers, and all about sex.
I had intimacy issues, and pulling girls from bars to get laid was not something I was interested in. They treated it like it was a sport. Plus drunk sex is sloppy and not enjoyable to me.
Jared would brag about how many girls he was sleeping with at once, how many were married, how many lives he destroyed, and how many he lied to or cheated on. He relished in it.
All while talking down to me about his christianity and junior pastoring at church.
I got him started on the sacred plant, and it didn't make him better like it does most.
This one time we were on a bunch of LSD aka acid. I was selling it at the time so I mine was free for all the raves. We were at my Layton apartment tripping out and started talking about the Chupacabra.
Jared had mentioned he thought he saw it in the Farmington canyon once. So the six of us jumped in my ltd elite, and I drove us to the canyon.
I park my car on the side of the dirt road, and we get out with our flashlights and begin our search for a monster while we are on drugs.
Not much time passes and all these cars pass by us coming down one at a time from the mountain.
They are coming down from the make out point where all the teens and young 20’s go when they first start dating. Hell of a great view that they don’t enjoy because they are up there to get laid.
Utah kids do a lot fucking. Especially the mormons. Their parents are clueless idiots. Including in the baptismal tubs in the churches. Had a friend in every ward have sex in there.
But we are all messed up on acid and don’t think twice about it. We continue monster hunting.
Then the last car comes around the bend, and it is a cop car.
And there is a Woman’s voice rapping to a popular song of the time over the loudspeaker of the squad car.
They pull up to us still rapping and parks the car in the middle of the road. The two lady officers get out of the car and shine their lights in our scared faces.
The one officer is on duty and her friend from the prison is keeping her company in uniform. Different uniforms and the prison guard was the one rapping.
The officer immediately recognizes Jared from their church, and pulls him aside to have a private conversation with him away from us. We are left with the prison guard and she is super sweet and nice.
Jared is high as fuck on LSD, and is now being confronted by this officer for talking shit about her at church for being a lesbian.
His hypocritical judgmental ass deserved that uncomfortable moment.
We left and went back to my apartment freaking out, and the lady officers never even mentioned we were on drugs. They just told us to get home now and safely.
Alcohol was apart of the party life and everyone in my life, but at the end of the day it was Cannabis that helped me sleep without nightmares.
Plus during the other stressful times it was there. I was smoking all day long. In the morning and on my breaks.
Years later Jared would be crying at Anne’s funeral promising to be a changed man. Next he would sleep with Sheldon’s wife after Anne died.
Typical piece of shit christian condemning everyone with their religion, and using it as an excuse to be a horrible human themselves.
And that's who I chose as a best friend at the time.
Finally decided to cut him out of my life in my 40's when his current wife used "bless your heart" on me in that condescending christian meaning that is an insult while supporting her political opinions of bigotry alt-right.
But my 20's.
I was in a dark place myself with the daily nightmares from Kerry.
I was not making a lot of great decisions, and was not my kindest self back then.
I was just trying to stay alive and not kill myself. I was depressed with a big smile.
Hiding behind this smile and smirk. Hiding behind the jokes and jovial. Hiding behind the joy I loved giving to others was hiding my pain and mental suffering.
GOD was always with me still. Protecting me from every danger, and I put myself in danger often and most recklessly. I had lost my will to live, and was not suicidal as much as I actively looked to risk my life.
I never wore a seatbelt hoping an accident would take me out.
One time while camping with a large group of friends some of us guys went off-roading in my friend's Ford Bronco.
We came up to a steep incline, and he stopped at the bottom and said, “You ready?”
I have always had an issue with heights, but just had a bad feeling about it.
“Nah, let me out first.” I said, and the person in the back had a second thought and got out of the truck with me.
We stood at the bottom of that hill and watched our other two friends four wheel up that steep hill.
They almost made it too, but then came back down the hill tumbling and toppling and flipping over from side to side. Our friends went flying safely out of the truck without major broken bones.
Camping equipment is flying in the air and is scattered on the hill.
And now my friend and I are running down hill from an out of control truck flipping end over end towards us like we were in Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark.
We jumped out of the way and everyone lived, but the truck definitely died that day.
Countless close calls in car accidents, minor crashes that could have been major, and off roading incidents that could have been deadly I narrowly avoided throughout these years.
And through it all GOD was my protector.
Jared talked me into checking out his church once. I thought it was cool, because they had a band and the music didn't feel evil.
It was a different vibe than I grew up in, and I wasn't enjoying it; but I was taking it all in. I did not feel like GOD was there or feel christian.
"This is the last church you will attend. You will not go to any more churches." GOD said with absolute commandment.
But GOD never leaves me.
Eventually I would fall in love with Kristi, and we decided to go to massage school together; but never dated.
Because I am stupid.
We talked about opening our own day spa with a restaurant and art gallery, but when she finally asked me, “Are we going to do this or not?”, as in date and get married I chose not.
To both of our surprise. I will never forget that night in the dark shadow of the rocky mountains with the moon hidden behind them. Stopped at the mountain highway about to turn left out of Kaysville leaving her house on our way somewhere.
I suddenly was filled with regret at that moment and knew that I could not marry her.
That would mean I would stay in Utah, and not chase my destiny with music; and I didn’t want to live a life of regret or end up resenting her or our children.
Our entire life flashed before my eyes, and I knew what I had to do even though it hurt me to do it.
Massage school was intense and I learned a lot about the human body. Everything made sense, and the cadaver labs at University of Utah were fascinating. I thought I would be grossed out, but I was not at all and it definitely helped me absorb information better.
After that I could mentally see through the skin to the muscles and their attachments to the bones, the blood vessels, nervous system, lymphatic system, internal organs, and all the energy pathways that cross over them according to Chinese medicine.
How everything overlapped and connected. The patterns of life in the human body.
Everything clicked and made sense; and I realized that humans are amazing designs with extraordinary capabilities of self healing and unreached potential in human evolution.
I was practicing craniosacral work on a friend in the backyard and Jared came outside when it was going on and screamed in shock, “What are you doing to him?!!”
He was legitimately scared because of what he saw.
I was practicing a technique in energy manipulation that releases pressure in the head with minimal touching and sometimes no touching at all.
At this very moment I was not touching him and my fingers were about a half an inch away from his forehead. I was in the zone and found that I was extremely effective in all forms of healing thus far, but extra good with the energy work.
Both my friend on the table and I felt a zap of electricity. Not painful, but a transference of energy. Most likely that I pulled out of him.
But Jared saw it with his own eyes. Mine were closed.
He saw electricity between my fingers and his forehead in the middle of the day from 10 yards away.
But doing massage took too much out of me. I couldn’t block the absorption of negative energy while healing people and it would leave me unbelievably drained.
Eventually Kristi got married to a wonderful man named Jeff.
Jared got me good and drunk and took me to their wedding reception. I could not bare to go to their wedding and did not trust myself either.
They looked so amazing together and I knew they would build a beautiful life together.
I was miserably sad for myself, but also happy for them. No, I was happy for her, and that is all I ever wanted for her anyway.
And Jeff is a good man, and you know I don't say that about many.
She was not the woman from my dreams and never came into focus.
Even though she felt like Home.
But Jared was still fucking Sherry.
And Utah was a toxic black hole.
I knew I would never be happy there.
It was time to leave that horrible state and go back to California.
I saw the grotesque spiraling down of everyone around me, and the same dark circles of nowhere and nothing new without growth of any kind.
So I left, and was blamed by some for their own action and others use of their own free will.

Chapter 4 - 2001 AD

There was a horrible car accident on January the 5th 2001 AD and everything stopped.
I was driving 45 miles an hour southbound on Moulton Parkway, and just went through the green light on Crown Valley with not another vehicle in sight. It was early in the morning, and I was trying to be one of the first ones to the courthouse for a misdemeanor ticket for Marijuana possession.
I was driving the speed limit because I was not in a hurry, and because Cannabis is a legal right for every citizen according to GOD; and I am happy to pay a small fine instead of going to jail or prison. We have come a long way legally, but still have farther to go.
I come through the light and up the slight hill grade, and I see a man in his car in the exit of the apartment complex to my right. He is looking right for oncoming traffic from his right to turn left and head north on Moulton.
He hits the gas, never looking to his left once, lunging his car into the road right in front of me doing 45 miles an hour in a Ford Explorer. I slammed on the brakes but there was nothing I could do but brace for impact into his driver side door.
I was not wearing my seatbelt; and never did back then as I wasn’t scared to die and had many dreams about dying in a car crash. I expected it one day.
Our vehicles collide with the sound of screeching tires, breaking glass, and twisted metal.
I fly through the windshield, over the hood of the Explorer, bounce off the hood of his car, and roll into the street a broken and bloody mess.
I am dead. My body 5 feet past his car.
As I hovered in the air out of my lifeless body looking down on the wreckage and my mangled corpse a light brighter than all the Suns in the universe appeared, and then GOD came into focus with an Angel behind each shoulder.
The angels blurry to my vision and unknown to me. GOD has been with me all my life.
“Your will shall be my will. Your life is not your own. I am not done with you. Your mission is incomplete.“
“I shall call upon you and your words shall be my words. You will know what to say and when to say it.
"Your words will be my words, and I shall speak through you with all my power and authority.”
“Now get back in your body!” commanded GOD.
The power of those words by GOD filled my soul and rejoined my body resurrecting me from death.
“You are the living proof of my power and glory. You are my walking and living miracle.”
Glory to the Lord of Lords and GOD of gods as only GOD’s breath can command me and has authority over my eternal soul.
For I have always served the King of kings and the Kingdom of eternal LOVE with my Angelic Family. Long before this birth and this death have I served thee as I do forever.
GOD’s word is my command.
My soul was back in my body, and GOD reversed time.
My broken bones healed, and all cuts and wounds closed up as my body absorbed my blood.
I flew backyards in the air with glass, over the hood of his car, over the hood of my truck, in the broken windshield, and the glass windshield of the truck reformed and hardened behind me until GOD stopped time again.
Then GOD made time resume normally, and I flew forward smashing my forehead against the window cracking it, and not flying through it. I landed back in my seat as the truck came to settle.
The vehicles came to a rest, and I got out and checked on the other driver. We both limped over to the curb, and I called 911 for us.
Two ambulances, cops, and fire department show up on the scene; and check us out. Put us both on gurneys, have our necks supported, and load us into the ambulances to take us to the hospital.
Get to the hospital, and as I am on the stretcher tied down a Nurse comes to check on me and ask me who I can call. She pulls my cell phone out of my pocket for me and hands it to me so I can call my Mom.
She picks up the phone and I tell her I was in a bad accident. I do not tell anyone about my death or Jesus Christ and the two Angels. I do not want to be labeled as crazy, and people are ignorant reactionaries.
She tells me I drive too fast and need to slow down. Then tells me she is working in Los Angeles and to take a taxi cab home, because she can't leave work to come get me.
They take me back and do all the X-rays and different tests. Nothing broken. I knew that already, because GOD fixed that.
I did have a concussion though, and that should be obvious after smashing the window with my face; and I was released from the hospital on my own cognitive power.
Caught a cab home, and slept. Which I probably should not have done and was not supposed to do, but had no supervision and just fucking died.
I did not have insurance and let those hospital, ambulance ride, and fire department bills go to collections and never bothered with them. Nor should I have to with a proper free healthcare for all like other countries have that work just fine and of course could be improved upon.
Because nobody should have to and GOD told me not to participate in a corrupt evil system.
Since it was his fault his car insurance company sent me to a doctor and physical therapist, but that ran out short before I could even finish my physical therapy and did not have my own insurance to continue. Nor would my own car insurance cover it.
The doctor did more scans and Xrays to see my spine. He informed me that I had an extra bone more than most humans on my coccyx, aka tailbone, and that it was bruised.
He told me that I would live with that pain for the rest of my life. He was right, and traveling would become very painful. I would have to use a seat donut for better comfort from then on.
I laid down on the spine stretching machine and then would get a massage from the in house therapist. She was also a talented energy worker, and the first time she worked on me she made me cry.
She told me she felt like I had my legs swept out from under me when I was 9. Yep, when Dad died. She was really good, and I liked that doctor too; but car insurance money ran out before I could finish seeing them.
The doctor also gave me a bunch of test sample packets of prozac to help with brain swelling, and told me to take B5 and as many other B vitamins as I could get to help heal my brain injury. I did all that.
Prozac gave me the worst cottonmouth I have ever had. Worst than the best weed ever, but that was when I noticed something else. That prozac made me feel the same focus that pot always gave me, and I realized that I had been using Cannabis since I was 18 years old as medicine for focus with my ADHD without even knowing it.
Suddenly it made sense that every stoner around me was passing out and sleeping or getting the munchies pigging out on food every time they got stoned, but that wasn’t happening to me and I seemed to have a higher tolerance.
Cannabis always calmed me and mellowed me out to be on everyone else’s level. Angel energy is intense, and that is why today people do not believe I am dying, in pain, or even ill. All they see is my energy, and not this failing body.
I spent the next 6-9 months laying down on a mattress in the front room. I could not sit straight up, because it was extremely painful on my tailbone and would cause muscle cramps in my legs and muscle spasms.
I also could not stand for very long either, and I was regaining my energy from death.
Watched a lot of movies and finally read all the Lord of the Rings books. They took a long while to read because of the lack of focus and concussion recovery, but it was good brain exercise at the same time.
And something quiet to do when Mom was working at the apartment.
But being stuck in that apartment with Mom working was boring and getting to me.
So I would go to Kelly McCue’s at night and talk with friends. I wouldn’t drink at all, and would just stand around the table for an hour and then eventually two hours to have people I could talk with.
And slowly build my standing stamina.
Very few people have heard the full story of that day from my lips. They are special people that GOD told me to tell at that time. GOD tells me who is ready for the truth.
GOD knows who is not ready for that story or any of my truths for that matter. So if you weren’t told there you go. Take it up with GOD.
I am a walking and talking miracle, and the living proof of the power of Jesus Christ and your Lord GOD Almighty.
And not the christian lies they teach you about.
At night I still couldn’t close my eyes without seeing the evil look in Kerry’s eyes and he haunted me.
But at night ghosts would come to me too. Lost and confused, or looking for reconciliation and closure for themselves or for the living.
One of them souls a few years later was my friend Aaron. He had committed suicide and after coming over to the apartement to borrow money to put himself into a rehab center for cocaine and his suicidal depression.
We had not seen each other in months, because of his new girlfriend that got him back on the powder and he was not taking his medication anymore that I never knew he was taking. He never talked about that as most people did not back then openly.
I didn't have enough money on me and Mom didn't either.
He went home and hung himself in a tree behind his parents house, and they blamed me for it all.
Aaron had come to release me from my guilt, and let me know it wasn't my fault.
He came to me that night at the apartment, because he knew I would help him without question or judgement.
It tore me up that I was not able to help him that night, but he came back to let me know he was in Heaven and all is right.
That was when I knew that christianity was full of bullshit and lies about suicide sending you to hell.
Aaron could have been saved that night by free health care for all. He could have got a therapist, and put into the type of necessary treatment center. Then got back on his big pharma pills that helped him.
Or should have all the plant treatment natural options available first, including Cannabis, for free from a nationalized free health care system.
This happened with many of my dead friends and family. It would take time to figure out who they were and help them help me, and by time I mean days and weeks at a time per soul.
And all while my family judged me falsely thinking I was battling my own inner demons. Sometimes I was actually battling demons at night and helping your friends, family, and ancestors.
That was a long road to recovery that I was on by myself.
The concussion was the worst part for me, and it made me feel so stupid. Not in the actual way I make fun of myself for being stupid around women or in love, but actually stupid and not intelligent.
And I never felt like that my entire life. It fucking sucked. I don't like being stupid.
But I made it through and to the next year.
I made a lot of great friends over the coming years with crazy stories I will tell for years to new friends.
But where are they now?

Chapter 5 - 2003 AD

Spring and I slept in missing my normal morning routine.
So I skip breakfast, my favorite meal, and head to the gym to work out.
I had been losing weight, and getting in better shape.
I was tired of girls hitting on me, and it going nowhere.
I had gained even more weight after the accident, and it had taken a lot of work to get up to even half an hour on a bike of cardio. Let alone start lifting weights, and those were increasing too.
Random girls would just start braiding my long hair at the bar while I was sitting there, and had lots of flirting options all the time.
However, without fail they would meet my roommate and high school best friend Chris, and forget about me immediately. He was tall and good looking, and never met a female that didn't want to fuck him.
I got tired of his ex-girlfriends crying to me about how they should have dated me or why can't he be like me or regrets of their decisions, and I knew I was not attractive physically anymore.
Last year on my Birthday a beautiful Woman gave me a some pity sex for my birthday, because she felt bad for my fat ass and my personality only goes so far when I am fat.
I have had many looks and unhealthy weight issues over my lifetime, and it is always interesting to see the change in behavior of Women with each change.
I was not working out because I was looking for sex.
I felt crappy and had low self esteem, and wanted to look better feeling better about myself and wanted to feel healthier in general.
I was also looking for a relationship, and the Woman of my Dreams.
And I was never gonna meet someone with Chris standing next to me.
I was at the gym and only 15 minutes into my bike cardio warm up for my full workout, and suddenly got very dizzy.
I stopped got off the exercise bike and thought I should go lay down in the car to catch my breath. I was walking towards the exit and turned left to go out the doors, but passed out right there in front of the reception desk in the entryway.
I come to from the black out, and there are two guys crouched over me telling me to take it easy.
"I'm fine." I say. As I was taught as a man, and stand up to go to my car that I can see out the door.
I blackout and pass out hitting the floor again, and when I come to those two guys were there again over me.
"Lay still." the guy on my left says.
"I just need to go lay down." I retort stupidly.
"We just watched you pass out twice in less than a minute. We are off duty firemen, and trust me you can't go anywhere. We already call 911 for an ambulance for you." He informed me.
Great that sucks. I don't have insurance and can not afford an ambulance ride or the doctor visit.
So I tried to get up again to leave, but could not even stand I was so dizzy and nauseous.
The emergency services get there and strap me in and ambulance me to the hospital.
They get me to my room and the first thing they do is feed me after drawing all my blood and doing the regular tests.
Then they put me on a treadmill to do a heart test, and I thought that was stupid after what I just did to end up there; but they are the healthcare professionals so I did.
I found out I had a very good heart that was beating normally and great at my age. Especially for a cigarette smoker, but I did not know at the time that Cannabis was bronchodilator and a sacred healing plant.
After running all their tests they came back and the Doctor told me that I was Hypoglycemic, and should not have skipped breakfast before my workout.
After being told what it was suddenly my entire childhood and teenage years of being sick made sense.
I am not just a foodie and food lover, but I have to eat and get violently sick when I do not eat regularly and with proper nutrition.
I am here for the food.
Would have been cool to have some nationalized functional healthcare for all that to stay in my records for future doctors.

Chapter 6 - 2009 AD

I was only working at Oggi’s for the green family at the time, and they were the absolute worst humans I ever worked for. They would fire me years later the day before my 40th Birthday. The legal starting age of age discrimination in California.
But I was no longer at Boscoe’s Sports Grill where I met Hayley and where I met up with her that night.
Frank called and fired me in a voicemail over the phone on my day off. Most likely because Leslie told him too, and she was on a firing spree of old friends for not kissing her ass.
All because James left the fryer on the night before and didn’t turn it off. He was the cook. Not me. And neither of us were managers technically.
Until I was fired as a manager in a voicemail. Did not even have the courage and courtesy to do it to my face, because they were in the wrong and fucking knew it.
People always do shit like that when they know they are wrong. Guilty conscience but they do it anyway over their inflated egotistical pride.
Not to mention Leslie was stealing my tips anyway. Which were not much already from a bunch of cheap ass white privilege southern orange county idiots that I mostly hated being around.
I drank even more alcohol than usual to be there working to deal with those fucking bigots pieces of shit to try, and make money to survive.
Letting them have tabs that only her and Frank collected on and then kept the tips. Now and then Frank would give me a little of it, but not much.
I would be left alone on Sunday’s to be the bartender and cook with zero help. Those white fucks complained and yelled and helped get me fired like the "Karens" they are. Talking about the guys.
But I would go back there for drinks and I was bellied up to the bar again for drinks with Hayley.
I had just got the first iPhone and was excited to take my first photo with it.
I snapped a picture of her smiling at me. It was grainy and pixelated, and not a good photo because the technology was new and we were in a dark dingy bar.
But I saved it under her number as the first phone number and pic in my new phone.
It would be my only photo of her transferring to future phones.
Then we drank and chatted about how excited I was to see Tonga, and of course I went on about my Dad like usual. Probably cried a little and got all emotional. It was a long time ago and alcohol was involved.
She wished me safe travels and I drove drunk home to get some sleep.
Met Mom and Tina at the airport, and Tonya and Josh were there too. We were waiting for Tisha to arrive.
“Look at this poor Woman.”, I think Tina said.
We look up and see this poor Woman coming through the doors. She is walking difficult, and no wonder with all her luggage she is carrying. She has bags around her neck and a neck pillow.
Her hair is a mess and she is sweating. She is breathing heavily and looks like she might die on the spot; and she’s wearing an eye patch like a pirate.
“Is that Tisha?” We all gasp before laughing.
It was Tisha and she looked awful.
Tisha was on steroids for inflammation in a muscle behind her eye, and it caused her to retain water and gain excessive weight fast. She was also prescribed an eye patch to strengthen the use of that eye again.
Our first stop was Tonga, and after a layover in Samoa. It was late at night but I went outside to smell the Samoan air vowing to come back and visit that place. I never made it back.
By now I was used to the tailbone pain from sitting for long periods especially during travel. So I would get up and stretch in the aisle and walk, and go back to the flight attendant area while they were taking care of passengers for better stretching.
We get to Tonga and they pretty much strip search Mom to make her prove she really has scars from her metal hip replacement surgery, and that this American isn’t packing a gun.
She left those at home and remembered to leave her knives at home for a change. She loses so many of them at the security check in.
We go to get our rental van, but it is being fixed and not available for us. Instead they gave us a FedEx passenger van.
You have to get a Tongan drivers license to legally drive there, and so I gladly did.
We get to our Hotel named Black Pearl and get our room assignments.
Mom got Tish, Tina, and I the suite to share, because she wanted us to feel a little pampered.
Tisha’s swelling was also closing her windpipe, and made it difficult to breathe during the trip and do strenuous activities.
Our first night in the Black Pearl was rough. We gave Tish the master bed, because she obviously needed the comfort.
Tisha was snoring so bad neither of us could sleep, and Tina went and slept in the bathtub to try and get away from it. Which did not work.
I woke up to Tina kneeling on the bed next to Tisha. She was clutching a writing pen in her hands tightly, and looked panicky.
“What are you doing?”, I ask her. I was confused and a little frightened of the answer. It is funny now.
“I am waiting to see if I have to perform an emergency tracheotomy, because she keeps stopping breathing.”, the smartest person I know says.
Ok, that’s not good. So many things could go wrong here, and luckily I do not get squeamish with blood and am ready to be her nurse.
We did not have to do any of that, and Tina did not get to stab her big sister in the throat and she really looked like she wanted to.
The next morning we traded in the room for two rooms. That way we wouldn’t have to hear Tish, but we would through the walls anyway. Only muffled.
Night one we went to a luau in some cool caves crowded with spirits of ancestors. We had some amazing food with traditional Tongan entertainment. I am here for the food and love Polynesian food.
But when we looked at our pictures they were filled with bright orbs floating all around us, and they did not turn out great. This was the beginning of an overwhelming spiritual journey.
We eat and load up in the FedEx van to go pick up Eric Shumway, and meet our personal tour guides for our time in Tonga.
They are a local family, but not just any local family. They would be the Osmond’s of Tonga. The local pop stars, and they were fantastic. Two sisters and a brother with those Polynesian harmonies that only that culture produces. Of course we made them sing in the van.
Some Tongan kids run alongside the van shouting and cheering. They think I am kid rock too. Which is an insult, but cute.
We are in two vehicles heading to a secret hard to find beach. Then get out with machetes, and clear the brush. The van almost tips over and everyone is in a panic. This is some serious jungle to get to this beach.
It was treacherous and difficult, but worth it when we finally parked. We unload and grab our gear. Then hike down a short but steep path down to a big white sand beach with waves crashing in on the shore.
They called it White Horse beach; because the waves coming over the coral crest and foam up with white tops, and looks like a herd of white horses running into the shore from the ocean.
White Horse was where the Queen hideout was during the British colonization efforts, and Tonga was the last monarchy on the planet never to be colonized by any white supremacists.
We gathered for a group photo with Eric Shumway and our tour guides for the trip. I climb up on a huge boulder a few feet in the water, and find a spot on top to set my camera. I make sure the angle looks good, and go to set the timer and get ready to jump down and run into the picture.
Tisha and Tina both see Dad standing on the rock next to me. I was up there doing the famous Arnold Schwarzenegger pose that Dad loved to do and I remembered it as a child.
And as I was bending over to place the camera he poked me in the side, and knocked me off balance trying to make me fall off the rock. Old jokester was still acting like a fool from the other side, and I knew what he was doing it to mess with me.
Just saying hi to his boy and family.
We go and have lunch in this little cave that we can barely even sit in, and Eric tells us the history.
During that story a bright golden light appears hovering a few feet above the beach.
It was Dad and I knew it, but thought I was the only one that saw it.
Tisha and Tina did too, and we compared notes that night at the hotel. They knew it was Dad too, and they were already overwhelmed with peacefulness on the inside. Something much needed for all of us.
We left that beach feeling invigorated, but those few steep steps back up off the beach would prove more difficult for Tisha.
So I pushed from behind with my hand on her butt, and they pulled from up above as she labored hard with her breathing.
We get back to the van and truck, and drive out of the jungle a few feet to a dirt road.
“What is this?!”, we asked, and the family just busted up laughing.
They had taken us on an adventure unnecessarily to give us the full tourist treatment, and because it was funny. Something they had planned with Eric, and I bet Dad was laughing so hard at us on the way there.
This would also birth my song 'Sunlit World' and the title for my one and only album.
Ascending is more difficult than descending. That was a great spiritual and life lesson.
And it is true with GOD and heaven.
Just like it is so easy to be angered and descend into the ugliness of humanity, and harder to rise above the human pettiness in this world.
Tina was a smitten kitten and already had a crush on the younger brother, and he is a good looking guy so that is not a surprise.
And I am not thinking like that, yet.
The next day I am playing my guitar and practicing some songs for the album while watching the sunrise up out of the ocean.
The sun seemed to set and rise in almost the same spot to me.
We were just over the international time line and the first country to see the sun shine on the planet, and it felt like I was the only one seeing it.
“Do you have to sing so loud?”, Tonya asked.
Tisha and Tina came to my defense saying that is how I sing. Can not make it two days into a family vacation without her picking on me for something. Ruined the moment I was having with Tonga and the sunrise.
And yes I fucking do!
GOD gave me these lungs, and it turns out I have an unusually small windpipe. So it takes more air to talk and sing than most other people.
We went to check out the local shopping, and support the economy. It was an outdoor market with food, clothing, electronics, and you name it. All set up on tables like any flea market event in the states or standard outdoor market around the world.
I needed a new fish hook necklace and had wanted one from Tonga. We found a carver that had a bunch of great styles, and started talking to him and his wife.
They were our relatives through marriage, and she happened to be one of the daughters of the master carver who made my paddle on our last trip to Hawaii.
So that settled it and blew all our minds. We all bought stuff from them, and gifts to take home. Then I ordered a Tongan wood drum from him to have custom carved to take home.
I had always wanted my own, and since we couldn’t pay her Dad for his gift this was the perfect time to pay it forward to the family.
I bought a new hook from him, but he didn’t want to sell it to me since it was not finished and he was still sanding the back.
But I wanted it just the way it was and had him put a wrap on it for me right then.
It had great design carved into the front and the hook formed a whale tale at the end.
Whale tales are a lucky sign for the Tongan culture, because when they surfaced they knew where to fish and provide for their family, tribe, and village.
It was carved from a whale rib that he and his Dad pulled up off the ocean floor, and I felt that connection to the island and ocean; and my Dad through it.
But the back of it was not finished and had no design at all, and he had not really sanded it much at all.
It was the perfect metaphor for myself and humanity.
People would see the polished carved necklace, and comment on its uniqueness, beauty, and deeply personal symbolism; but would not see the work in progress that is unseen on the other side laying flat against me and hidden from public view.
Like the metaphorical masks we wear to hide ourselves. So nobody can truly know us. So nobody can truly reject us.
Now it belongs to Braysen, and I hope he remembers the story I told him. Remembering that everyone is a work in progress and he can not see what is going on inside others; and to live open heartedly with compassion and empathy towards others, himself, and his family.
Next I went to check out stuff at the next booth, because I wanted to spread the U.S. dollar and support as many people as possible.
I found a pair of black pearl earrings and picked them to look at. The lady tells me it is illegal to dive for them now and this is one of their last pairs. Then shows me the other pairs.
They are round and gorgeous compared to the other pairs, and I can see their uniqueness. Tisha and Tina come over to see what I am holding.
“Those are nice.”, one of them said.
“Buy those for your wife,'' Dad said in my ear, as clear as my sister.
So I bought them black pearl earrings for my future wife while staying at the Black Pearl hotel in the magical land where my Dad served his mission, and it felt perfect and right.
I would hold on to them for the woman of my dreams. The woman with the eyes and blurry face that GOD would not let me see yet, and would not reveal her true face.
One day we went to see the hospital where Tina was born. It was abandoned and run down. They had built a newer hospital behind it.
We just walked right in the front door and it was something out of a horror film. I wanted to film there so bad.
“It’s this way.” Mom points right. She remembers it very well.
The place splits right or left, and we follow mom down the hall to the right. There are not a lot of rooms and this is not a big hospital. The new one is 3 or 4 times the size of this, and we get to the end of the hall after passing about 5 rooms on each side.
“I think it was this room on the left.”, Mom goes in first and everyone slowly follows one by one.
I see the door to the right and explore. It is an empty room with leaves, dirt, vines, and nature has taken it back; but there are still tools, chairs, and abandoned hospital supplies. The windows are broken and the breeze is coming through.
I walk all the way in the room and to the back, and quickly find the little walkway that connects the two rooms at the end of the hall. If I can’t film a horror here then I may as well make my own and have some fun like Dad would have.
I sneak through the dark walkway, and jump out screaming, “Aaaaaaaa!” making everyone jump out of their skin. I got them all good. Every last one of them.
Mom told the story of the labor and enjoyed the spotlight.
On our way back from the hospital a police officer stepped out of the bush and pulled me over with the wave of his hand.
“You better turn around and go back.”, I was told.
“Really?”, I was surprised.
“Yeah.”, they assured me.
I remember driving past the prison. Where they have no fence cause the worst offense there is drunk driving, and they are on an island so there is nowhere to run or hide. So I turned around and went back.
He checked my drivers license and told me to watch my speed, and sent us on our way. They were right, we are on an island as the few white people and we are in a FedEx van. Where are we gonna hide?
In that culture it is considered a sin to let anyone starve or go hungry. They have chickens and pigs; and the abundance of the sea. As well as all that amazing fruits and vegetables.
Tattoos are pretty big amongst Polynesians, but it also depends on the family and traditions. While in Tonga I was planning on getting a tattoo to add to my Dad’s arm band, but as it turns out the entire island was out of ink. They asked everyone they knew.
Monday, June 22nd the night we had family time at the Shumway home, and they invited over the girl my Dad saved during the typhoon on his mission. She was now there with her husband and granddaughter to share her story in person.
She told us all the story I had heard so many times. It was like I was hearing it for the first time, and with all new details. The emotions filling the room from her transporting us all back to that moment.
How he came out of the jungle and scooped her up in his arms and said, “Oku Ke Malu” running to safety like the athletic star he was.
Those were the words I wanted tattooed on me in Tonga.
It was such an amazing night, and an honor to meet her and her family.
Our last day we went to another luau at the old historic hotel, and that was when I got my drum. Hand carved with my name, and beautiful. It plays beautiful too, and we used it in the recording for the song 'Sunlit World' played by Jean-Michel.
Every day was filled with spiritual moments, and the natural beauty of that magical land was impossible not to absorb.
I did kiss her finally on my last night, and knew I could not live there; but she was a good woman that I hope has a beautiful family of her own now.
New Zealand was next. We fly there and that aggravates my tailbone issue.
We arrive late at night on the north island of New Zealand, and tiredly we collect our luggage. We pile into a van, and the craziness starts now.
Our driver is a sweet Woman, but drives like she is a NASCAR race car driver in the final laps the whole way from the airport to our hotel in Auckland.
I am beyond exhausted as my tailbone pain did not let me sleep much on the flight, and I am in more pain cramped in this van. I have cramps in my legs and butt as well as muscle spasms from the pain in my tailbone.
I am often woken from the wild ride up the mountain on a one lane road with a steep cliff, and she has only stopped the racing pace when another vehicle approached.
They would both stop and one would move close to the mountain and the other would slowly go cliff side around. Then the race would begin again.
It was causing anxiety amongst the entire family and they all feared for their lives. Me too.
We make it to our hotel and check into our room, and get a few hours of sleep.
I woke up early as hell, and threw some warm clothes on and we gathered in the lobby.
Mom takes us on a 'Lord of the Rings' jeep tour, and it was disappointing as a fan of the movies and books.
A beautiful scenic tour we could have taken without the extra 'Lord of the Rings' price as it was all pointing out mountains and scenery used in the movies. No actual sets. That was on the other island.
Back to the hotel to grab our luggage and head to the south island, and we were a day late for their huge Auckland winter festival or something. That would have been great to see and experience.
We fly to the island and get our two cars to drive to a small fishing town. My family bitches and complains about my driving; and yet I do it everywhere, on every trip, and most outings.
We stopped at a restaurant and had one of the most amazing meals of my life. We all tried each other's dishes and theirs were too.
This is beyond ridiculous freshness and quality of food that Americans are not used to, and don’t really know exists in the world. I am here for the food.
We ordered dessert and the sticky bread pudding was good and we made such a scene about everything that the Chef came out to meet us for compliments. Then Tina got his recipe for his sticky pudding, and that would never come out the same back in the states.
She made it a few times and it was good, but not great and that is mainly because of the ingredients available in the states. Tina is an amazing baker.
The New Zealand countryside made for the most beautiful drive, and every stop gave us an encounter with some of the nicest people you could be fortunate to meet.
Every meal beat every meal back in the USA, and every one was super nice. Everyone should travel and visit New Zealand. For the people and food alone.
We got to our hotel after a lot of travel, very little sleep, and being in each other's space for 3 days since leaving Tonga.
Mom and Debra will share a bedroom like usual, and while we are looking at the rooms Tisha and Tina empty the entire vehicle of everyone’s luggage.
They also figured it was time for Tonya and Josh to share the room with the old ladies, and went ahead and brought everyone’s luggage to their rooms.
“We are married and we deserve and we are entitled to the other room by itself away from Mom and Deb so that we can have an official honeymoon!”, Tonya angrily told her siblings in a condescending tone of self importance and self righteousness. So basically she was Tonya.
Tina immediately fired back, because that married comment hurt deep. She wanted to be married so bad, and just left her Tongan crush that she got a kiss from. She has not had a lot of kisses.
It is not summer time in New Zealand and we are the only tourists. The town's asleep with nothing to do, but the food is the best food of my life and I am here for the food.
It was some much needed down time that I did not know I needed, and since we all hated how Mom would over schedule our vacation itinerary it was nice she didn’t have that option here.
Tisha and I wanted tattoos, and asked our waitress the first day.
We were put in touch with the local Maori Tribal Chief, and He invited us over to his home.
He was a large man with a huge soft gentle heart, and an exemplary example of what I love and respect about Polynesians and why my Dad did too.
His hands consumed mine in a handshake and his smile was warm like the sun. He invited us into his home, and introduced his Wife and Grandkids.
Then explained that I could not get an ancient traditional tapping tattoo, because it was outlawed in much of the world and there.
And he closed down his tattoo shop during difficult times and is doing them in his house now.
This was an honor in every way. They fed us as is the Polynesian way and the greatest of honors to feed a guest.
Food is in abundance and a show of love and respect in that culture. They brought us into their home.
Another honor amongst Polynesians to entertain others in your home and be the best host, and to be honored in such a way is a great honor and privilege not everyone gets by a local Chief.
Then we are getting tattooed by the Maori Chief himself. The leader of his Tribe, family, council, and people.
This is not an honor that everyone in his own Tribe has been given, and I know it; and Tisha and I are here.
Two white american tourists! This does not happen to anyone ever. Or rarely ever anyway.
He would do my tattoo first. “Tell me your story. What brought you here?” He asks me while lighting up a cigarette in his front yard with the gorgeous weather and the sun shining down on us.
“Our family is on vacation..” I start.
“NO!” He interrupts me, “Your life story that brought you here to this moment. To me. To get this tattoo.”
I am a natural talker and over-sharer of personal stuff so I unleash my life story.
For an hour he keeps me talking as we pace around in his front yard, and he chain smokes cigarettes. They look very good to me and I may have even had one with him.
I was high and enjoying the New Zealand buds that the waiter had got me the day before. They have good weed in New Zealand, and it is always a better high when in another country traveling.
“I am ready.”, he announced.
We go in and he draws something on my right shoulder above my Dad’s tattoo band with an ink pen. Then he explains it to me.
“This is the Manaia. It has the head of a Kiwi bird with the ever watchful eye, and the body of a man to empower the wearer. The Kiwi is our sacred bird, and its big open eye is the reminder we are being watched by the creator. These waves back here on your arm represent my Tribe. And the rest of this is your journey. The lines do not connect and nothing is in symmetric shapes, because we do not see nature that way or life.”, the Maori Chief educated us. “You want that?”
“Fuck Yes!”, I excitedly told him.
And then he gloved up and went to work. Not only did he draw on my arm fast he laid the ink down heavy handed and thick, but gentle and controlled like any artist.
It seemed to be over as fast it started, and when I looked in the mirror it was more amazing than the drawing.
In fact it was perfect!
The way he blended it around 'Mauo', Dad’s Tongan Chief name, and above to the shoulder with the Manaia; and the 'Oku Ke Malu' under the arm band brought the whole thing together better than I expected or could have asked for.
Truly an honored gift he gave me and to be inked by this man. I am truly honored still.
Tisha was up next and she would go through the same process as me.
It was a great experience to share with my sister, and she got an ancient Eagle on her back. I hope she uses it to soar free eventually and leave behind the past to be present in her own life no longer waiting for life to happen; but free to make life happen as she sees fit soaring from above.
Now I got tattoos with Tisha and Tina, and years later with Alyssa and the new family crest I designed.
A turtle with Polynesian markings representing the 4 siblings of our Murdock clan from Dave and Sue, and it has a celtic knot for a shell. Representing our Scottish bloodline and our Polynesian unique upbringing in one.
We stopped at the same restaurant leaving New Zealand, and the meal was not as good.
The muscles were not as fresh as when we came through before, and the sticky pudding had even lost some sweetness.
Was it the bitterness of family at the end of a long journey or another great metaphor for life?
Maybe, but NO! That is how restaurants and food freshness work.
Back in the states.
This Summer will be my first time at San Diego Comic-Con International, and it will set me on a down new road, and I have been spending all my money and free time in the studio recording my, yet, unnamed album ‘Sunlit World’.
As you’ve been reading along you should by now realize that music is my life and the purpose I was put here by God.
Easy to see someone that wants to be on the radio or playing to sold out stadiums as egotistical, and I feel bad for people if that is their connection to music or how they saw my dreams.
God is music. Music is the language of God.
Music is connection to others, your inner self, multiverse, and God.
Unless you’re talking about mormon hymns. That shit is pure evil and scratches at my soul!
In one of the many seasons of turmoil that my life tends to keep repeating and circling back. I was in between living situations again and sleeping on the couch at my Mom's house in San Clemente.
Her roommate had her parents in town and their negativity was getting to me. They are very racist and they do not treat their daughter with kindness or compassion ever.
She is bipolar and very fragile as it is in her frame of mind and I can't stand watching them verbally beat her down.
Plus it takes a hard toll on my Mother when they are in town and I've been told not to say anything. So at my breaking point I decided to go camping in the canyon by myself. That was not easy working everyday, but somehow I made the commute work.
In the middle of that struggle my friend, Hayley, came to my rescue. She knew I had a sleeping issue with insomnia and that I was hanging on by a thread.
She offered me a place to sleep and not have to drive up the winding canyon in the morning to set up a tent in the dark and all the hassles that come with my current situation.
I gratefully accepted. I was nervous about it, but of course I could not refuse her kindness. I can not refuse her anything, and remember the first time I saw her walk into the bar. I was in love with her. Love at first sight.
I get to the house she is renting a room at. It has a very comforting atmosphere and welcoming feeling. We relaxed and talked for a bit after smoking a bowl. It was getting late and we both needed the rest.
I was ready to settle in on the couch, but was surprised that night. Surprised in more ways than I was prepared for. She invited me into her bed to sleep.
This is a tricky situation for me because of many reasons.
I have insomnia and toss and turn a lot at night. I have a tendency to talk in my sleep when I do sleep sometimes from what I have been told.
And in my rolling over my heavy arms going flying out of my control. So I am legitimately concerned for her safety and comfort. Nor did I want to disturb her sleep.
Nor do I want to assume that she is a victim just because she prefers women to men, but that's where my brain went anyway.
Because even though I have had gay and bisexual friends the naively raised child in me was still confused. Love is love and it is that simple.
So that's what we did. Went to bed. The details of that night are always fuzzy to me, because after crawling into bed and cuddling with her I feel asleep and don't remember anything.
Because I slept and the kind of sleep I've never sleep or slept.
The kind of sleep that an infamous insomniac isn't used to getting. Actual true peace.
The kind of peace that gave me a full night of peaceful, restful, and sound minded sleep that was a once in a lifetime night of sleep; and needed after decades of nightmares of my molester, haunted houses, the late night chatty ghosts, and all the crappy emotional things that keep an insomniac sleepless.
That doesn't even include the late night good visits from Dad that keep me up, but late night conversation from GOD go late. And you know who's doing most of the yapping, because it takes me forever to translate or get the point sometimes in this form.
I'm only human? Human-ish.
But that night of sleep with Hayley was like nothing I had ever experienced with anyone before ever and never have since.
That once in a lifetime lucky for me night of magic that I don’t remember but will never forget.
I pray to God that I was a gentleman and kept my hands ro myself, but that's not exactly something you ask a lady either.
I assumed it was because she let me sleep with her again, and I believe it is only three times total; and a short lived fantasy of perfection that burst with that last morning sunrise.
And that's the moment I'll never forget.
I woke up with her cuddling and I felt at home with her in my arms.
Her hand held my right hand close to her heart and my heart was racing a million miles an hour as time stood still.
I knew I liked her and had a connection to her from the moment she walked into Boscoe's; but in this moment I knew I was crazy over the moon in love with this amazing woman that was so completely obviously out of my league and I wasn't the only one who thought so either.
Every one of her lesbian and bi friends would constantly remind me it could never happen between us.
And then Jesus said, "You are not ready for her. You must cleanse yourself. You will not sleep with her again and will abstain from sex."
Oh, no translation needed this time huh? No parables either?
Ugh, what the fucking hell Jesus!?
You mean to tell me that after a lifetime of tortured sleepless nights you send me this Angel and then take her away from me?!!!!
So I did not go back to her place and it ate me up inside. How do you tell a woman that Jesus Christ told you that you can't see her anymore? Without sounding like a crazy asshole? Or bigot?
Because to this day I still don’t know how.
But after what I have been through this summer of 2017 writing this going celibate finally makes sense to me.
So I obeyed Jesus, and I laid there holding her as she slept. Now I am wide awake knowing this would be my last time holding her in my arms.
So I laid there in bliss hoping not to stir her and hoping this moment could last forever.
That feeling and moment in time is still frozen in my mind and still beats in my heart. Our breathing synchronized and even though I was the big spoon it was like she was holding me.
It was so comforting and I didn't understand why I was told to give it up. I just found Home.
Luckily for me she did not wake up for a while and after a few hours the most beautiful woman I have ever seen opened her eyes and peered through my soul the way she always does.
"Good morning." Her sleepy voice squeaked.
"Good morning." I wittily respond because like usual my words fail me around her.
The rest is a distant foggy memory from that morning and no matter how hard I concentrate it doesn't seem to come back to me.
I said some stuff about work and seeing her later with some nervous energy and crappy excuses that I bet she saw right through, but without understanding why. She has always seen right through me it feels like.
However, I was able to talk her into going out on a date after those cuddle sessions and she agreed to go out with me. I was so excited and couldn't wait.
The day of the date I was leaving my Mom's house and on my way out she stopped me to start up a useless meaningless argument, but I am not one to slam the door in her face and keep going.
So when I showed up to pick up Hayley for our date and I was like 20 minutes late. She never gave me a second date because of that, and my tardiness will be an issue with us in the future.
Have I established my lateness in life, yet? Because it is a thing with me.
Early to birth, late to everything in life, and even late for death.
It was after that I really reacted badly and acted out like an immature jackass! I pushed her away in all the classic stand offish ways.
Then I hooked up with two of her coworkers to get back at her. Cause I am an idiot obviously and mad at GOD for telling me to go celibate, and it has nothing to do with anger at her whatsoever.
Got a blow job from one girl, that facebook still suggests I add, and I did nothing to pursue her after that when she was interested in me. It was very rude and heartless of me. That is my shame, because she is a good person that did not deserve that treatment.
Then one night at the bar a few of her coworkers were drinking at my bar top, and this one guy had always annoyed me and was annoying the crap out of the girl that worked with them.
Well this girl starts saying all kinds of nasty dirty things to me across the bar with an invitation too. He gets up to use the bathroom, because the two of us are now being obviously obnoxious about it.
The moment he leaves she says, "We really should do this to shut him up." And since I was already fueled by anger and alcohol it was an easy yes for me.
You know, because Jesus didn't really mean "No Sex" with anyone at all, right?
So we went into the disgusting back alley to get freaky. Well, it wasn't what I expected and most definitely not what I wanted.
My manhood was erect and ready for action, but no matter what we did or what she said, too much talking, I did not enjoy it or get into it at all.
So I stopped and went back into work feeling more ashamed than anything I have ever done before in my entire life. Gross. Just disgusting behavior, and letting my emotions control me.
That was the last woman I touched in any sexual way for years.
No peaceful sleep since, Hayley. Which was 8 years ago now.
8 long years of longing for her in my arms.
To be Home.
But through all that she stayed my friend.

Chapter 7 - 2010 AD

January 1st 2010 and the band is at the Coachhouse in Orange County to open for living music legend Dave Mason.
My entire family is at this show with my nieces too. I am so excited as this is a well known music venue, and the biggest stage and audience I will perform in front of.
The energy of the day and excitement was already overwhelming for us all, and we were thrilled to add our names to the walls in the green room with multitudes of indie bands and legendary famous band members too that we all grew up listening to.
Dave Mason showed up late and we did not get to do a sound check, but the show is going on anyway whether we like it or not.
This was one of the best shows in any band formation I have had. It was standing room only and I had lots of friends, besides family, there to support myself, and my bandmates. Plus all their family and friends. 600 people and they went over capacity for the venue.
And I guess this living legend had a lot of fans there too.
All eyes on me to start the show and energy coming at me was intense. Like nothing I had ever felt before in my life or at any previous performances.
I felt like we were in the zone and flow. I felt like I was in the zone and flow with the band and with the audience as a performer.
Surprising because Dave Mason came late, and we never got to do our sound check. We just had to go live.
Somewhere in the middle of the set, middle of a song, and the middle of me belting out a long note leading into the guitar solo I blacked out and my vision went completely black. Black as night.
I got dizzy and grabbed the microphone stand trying not to fall off the front of the stage onto the long family style dinner tables at the foot of the stage.
The band plays on without noticing and the audience notices nothing as it probably looked like I was swaying to the music like I had been the whole time.
I was freaking out inside and could only see black on a stage with more professional blinding lights than I have ever been in front of.
You can barely see and make out the audience. They are so bright, but that’s the life of a rockstar.
But everything is pitch black and I am dizzy.
My vision slowly returns, and I continue the song and live show like nothing had happened to me.
But this would happen every show after.
And so I broke up the band and never told anyone.
Until my doctors years later who never even wrote it down in the notes or believed me.
Would have been nice to see a doctor in a nationalized universal healthcare system back then.
I stop pursuing my dreams of music and giving back to the world the way music gave to me.
The way music was my babysitter.
My best friend.
My lover.
My therapist.
My joy.
My sadness.
My emotions.
My thoughts.
My everything.
Music is my soul, and connection to the universe and GOD.

Chapter 8 - 2012 AD

Monday, September 3rd 2012 AD at 6:30 am Pacific Time and GOD just woke me up and called me to action!
The story begins at the beginning of all creation or it was revealed to me.
The beginning of all things. Maybe???
Or it was my own creation for all I know.
Either way this day I consider my Second Birthday or Rebirth Day or Awakening Day. I have used all three terms to talk about it.
But whatever you want to call it, this was my calling by GOD to start my Angel work.
The sound of the universe exploding into existence startled me from slumber and immediately sat up in bed. The room was dark and then suddenly a light burst from my chest.
It was vibrant and pulsating in more colors than I knew even existed, and lit up the entire bedroom.
It did not hurt. I was not panicked and a calm came over me as it lasted about 20 seconds before the light stopped emanating from my chest.
I felt immediately different. Lighter and full of purpose.
A few days later GOD spoke to me and said, “Write”.
The book did not come flowing out of me.
I was unsure what I was supposed to write. I sat down with an unguided purpose and absolutely no direction.
What came out of me was exactly that. Purposeless useless thoughts on a few pages from me as a man and my soul was not connected to it at all.
"Sandwiches and Sex" a guide to guys. Really stupid.
GOD was not connected to it at all.
All I knew is that it was horrible writing about sex and sandwiches the guides to a man’s heart, and not very creative in general for a book.
It was male bravado and horrible. The point was to make fun of us guys, but it was not coming off that way at all in the writing. The satire was not getting the point across to even myself writing it.
It was not the book I was commanded to write and was not dictated by GOD.
So I stopped and never finished even the first chapter.
Two years later I would start writing my memories for an autobiography. Since I hated keeping a journal and never did.
But GOD had other intentions for that.
Those notes became exactly what GOD always intended from me, for me, and for you and by GOD.
The Last Testament of GOD.
The Last Witness of GOD.
The Last Prophet of GOD.
The Last Proof of GOD.
Over the next 6 months I would have the most vivid dreams reliving my thousands of past human lives.
All the Male, Female, and everything in between lives.
Yes, everything as in transitioned to the other sex and they/them.
When I was a slave, and king or conquerer or the conquered.
When I was a leader of mankind in kindness and times of peace, and in war.
Every version of every past self came crashing into my conscientiousness over months.
It was illuminating, and I would return often to Heaven for information downloads in my sleep.
Then I saw the numbers 3 and 4 everywhere I looked in different patterns and sequences.
Then the numbers 7 and 11 kept popping up after that.
I felt lighter, empowered, and full of more purpose every day and month that passes by.
I was sure that the recent Woman that I was hanging out with from the comic cons was a Goddess to me, and maybe even the blurry faced Woman from my childhood dreams I thought.
After all I was having past life memories too, and maybe we were star crossed lovers as they say; and I felt like we have had many past lives together here.
We were just at Chicago for a convention a few weeks before Los Angeles, and had a great time being flirty all weekend. I even lent her my energy necklace for a day to wear, and that was deeply personal jewelry for me.
Her and her sister joined some friend’s of mine for dinner one night, and I knew she was there before she came around the corner.
I could feel her there. So I stood up from the table to greet them as they came into the hotel restaurant.
And as she came around the corner I heard Dad say in my ear, “There’s your wife.”
We had an amazing dinner, and she held my hand under the table; and it felt like my entire future was aligning.
During my shower for that dinner I had a weird experience with a ghost.
The bathroom door was closed, and there was no fan on at all or air conditioning.
But suddenly the shower curtain started flying, and water with it like I was in a hurricane.
It lasted for about a minute and was crazy. I had never been through anything like that with a ghost before.
The next day I was interviewing Aaron Goodwin from 'Ghost Adventures' tv show, and had the feeling that ghost was with me again and wanted to say hi. It turned out to be his Grandfather that had just passed away two years earlier.
The other side was even more in reach than it was as a kid, and I was filled with past, present, and future.
So when I got back to California I poured out my soul and thoughts to her in written form, and then gave that to her the last time we hung out. I am pretty sure it freaked her out like my truth often does.
I was embarrassed and decided to cancel my trip to New York Comic Con happening a few weeks later. I would just lose the money I spent on the flight and cancel my hotel room losing that deposit.
But I would have lost everything if I had gone.
I was sitting at home and watching the news, and then I heard it. A flight went down in New York and everyone died.
I waited for more information and looked it up; and it was my very flight to New York City that crashed.
I would have died with everyone on that flight too.
My dreams would take me back to the many lives I lived on this planet in the multiverse. Thousands and thousands of lives I lived over thousands and thousands of years.
My flying dreams were getting more intense as I flew the entire globe out of body.
I even began to hover off the ground in my dreams during normal dreams that were not flying based. Before that I had never just hovered off the ground without flying in any dream.
In fact when I was a kid my flying dreams they were awkward. Like I was learning to fly and didn’t have anyone to teach me.
My out of body experiences were more frequent now when getting a massage too. My regular massage therapist was a great energy worker too, and would say, “I had to pull you back into your body again.”
Which would annoy me, because that was not her job. I was traveling with my soul and she was supposed to be working on my body in its most relaxed state.
I would often be called up to Heaven during this time while asleep or during massage as well.
Taking wormholes through galaxies, constellations, space dust, and empty black space back to the center of creation, and back to GOD.
Heaven is love.
Heaven is home.
Heaven is family.
Never taking the same way to Heaven each trip.
Seeing so much of the web of the multiverse.
Heaven has multiple gates/entrances like any major traveling hub does, but as many paths as I have taken I always come through on the same side of Heaven.
I can tell by the orientation of the colorful space dust clouds surrounding heaven like a rainbow. Beyond that is the blackness of empty space. So I know I keep coming through the same final wormhole.
Like an airport or train station there are souls coming and going constantly. Heaven is not empty, but not a lot of Angels and Souls either. Nothing is still and you can see all of Heaven’s activity, and it is always active.
Our Angelic Souls are translucent without physical bodies, but with a humanoid body shape and multi-colored energy pathways that look like a rainbow light body. Like the Buddhists say.
One simple touch gives you the entire life story of another, and of course telepathic communication. There is no sound there.
Individuality but with a Heavenly communal purpose to keep balance and order in the universe for GOD.
I would be greeted by GOD at the entrance and receive more information and love.
There is only love in heaven.
The ghosts of Aaron and Annabelle came to my bedroom at night to relieve me of my survivor's guilt. It took a while to figure out who they were and get their messages.
I was balancing between multiple worlds, universes, times, and dimensions.
Realizing my true Angelic self past, present, and future.
Other dead relatives came and visited me to relieve my worries as well.
Strangers in death would come to my room at night asking for help but I did not know how to help them. They would crowd my room and make lots of noise keeping me up late.
I was also trying to help Sarge transfer somewhere too as he was haunting our rental house and harassing my sisters in the shower.
He was a test pilot that had an accident at El Toro Marine Base back in the day. Took a while to figure that out, and help him move on.
“You have power over the dead.”, GOD told me.
So I kicked them all out of the house and my room. Even family, especially family. They can be the most annoying. Started sleeping better after that other than the nights GOD would keep me up talking to me.
But there are so many lost souls trapped here in-between dimensions because their lives in the multiverse are still being judged.
Or are waiting on final judgement from GOD.
That’s right you are judged on all your thoughts, words, and deeds in every reality across the entire multiverse.

Chapter 9 - 2013 AD

It was about a week after Valentine's Day 2013 that Hayley messaged me through facebook.
The previous weeks before Valentine's Day I remember flooding my facebook with stories of Ex's, memes about love, how lonely I was, viral videos that made me cry, and anything family and baby related.
I was still confused over last Summer and Spring situation, because that felt like kismet; but it was definitely not as I was only confused by the many incoming messages from the other side mixed with past life memories.
That would confuse me even more a few months down the road.
I was still looking for the blurry faced love of my dreams from childhood.
Her message surprised me and flustered me. She was hurting from her recent activities and asked me for a massage to help with her soreness.
She had never asked me for one of those before and most women beg for one after finding out I'm a professional, but she never did. Not once. Never gave me the flirty eye blink and hair toss followed by, "You can practice on me." followed by a wink.
To which I would usually follow with, "I don't need the practice." Or "Sure I can practice on you for $100 an hour." that they never seemed to take me up on. LOL.
Of course I told her, yes. I would have told her yes as I would any friend in need. Talked back and forth about our schedules and picked the following Thursday night when we were both available.
To my surprise she practically lived around the corner from me. I was anxious and excited to see her all day.
Dusted off and cleaned my massage table, because it was collecting dust in the garage. Washed fresh sheets and towels to make sure I was prepared. Bought a bunch of some essential oils to mix up for a scented and healing massage.
Ended up using the rest to make scented candles for family and friends.
I pulled up to the house and she met me outside with a big hug, because we have not seen each other in person for a couple years. Or I probably gave her a big hug.
I gave her an hour and a half massage, because I give long massages.
She had a lot of tense muscle and knots from all the rock climbing she was doing. I also used my Empathic gift on her and willingly drew out all her negativity from her. I was pretty spent afterwards and had built up a good sweat during the massage.
Plus I was emotionally taxed from it as well. Removing toxic dark negative energy from people always wipes me out, and that’s why I don’t do it for everyone. We smoked a bowl together and started talking on the couch.
She told me stuff about her brother and the difficulties of watching that rough relationship with her Mom, about be a bi-sexual, not feeling loved by anyone, seeing her family mend fences, deciding to start a family, wanting to have kids, and how no one can love her unless they are a mountain climber too cause of her bruised up knuckles and feet; and this was accompanied by many tears.
I was freaking out inside my head and got out of there as fast as possible.
It was after midnight so leaving was easy because she was ready for bed. I left with my mind racing full of thoughts of “what if’s”???
The next two weeks we would text and start becoming friends again in each other's lives, but I was not much of a friend at all. I wanted it all.
The kids.
The family.
The love.
The eternity with her.
All the things she had just told me about, after the massage, I wanted with her and I always had wanted with her.
Was she even talking about wanting them with me?
Or was she just purging on me?
I would wrestle over those two thoughts all day and all night. Over analyzing every word and every tear and every emotion, but what of that was mine versus hers.
It was a very confusing time for this empath and, especially, when she is very reserved with expressing her feelings; but this was about to get more complicated for me.
Two weeks after that massage I received a message on facebook messenger. I could not believe my eyes and had to do some profile snooping to make sure I was not tripping out, but indeed I was not.
It was from Shalice. About a year or two before that she had hit me up on facebook for a massage, but I told her that she had to have her husband’s permission first and never heard back from her after that awkward exchange.
Because I am not just some massage therapist to her.
Now, she is getting a divorce and looking to reconnect with an old friend and I was that old friend; because the women I love always come back into my life, repeatedly, to be my friend.
We exchanged phone numbers and started texting each other. Modern communication between people these days is very impersonal with chances of miscommunication.
And Shalice and I miss communicate often.
Now I am texting two of the biggest loves of my life and I am really confused.
Shalice was my second love from high school days and Hayley was my fourth love as an adult, but I have not been with either of them in any relationship other than as a friend. My head was clouded with worry and possible futures with either woman.
I would be a lucky man to be with either one and there was still that woman I met last year that I had a deep connection with that still haunted the back of my mind. She will remain a nameless Goddess in all this.
I had still not seen Shalice face to face yet, but we were texting every day, and I was not texting as much with Hayley. She was always hard to get a read on, and my words tend to fail me around Hayley. I can not see through her the way I do most people, and she does me.
So I went to Chicago with my friends for the C2E2 convention, on St Patrick's Day weekend; and the entire time there Shalice and I were in communication and even did a couple phone calls.
I could not shake her from my mind and I became obsessed with the thoughts of her in high school and what it could mean that she is back in my life.
I have a tendency to overthink every scenario instead of letting it just happen and be present.
Which isn't helpful when you have visions of the future, so many of your dreams have happened, and Deja Vu is a regular occurrence that you get very wary about your future and present situations.
Because they are always changing.
I got home from a wild weekend in Chicago and I couldn't wait to see her. We met up to get some coffee and catch up on 20 years of not knowing each other, because there is a lot we don't know about each other.
However, I could not hide my emotions and knew what I wanted. I was all in and I was in full pursuit of her, and kept Hayley way too close in an uncomfortable and unfair way to her.
Then months later I thought I could have it all. I'm an idiot. Pretty sure I have mentioned that I am an idiot in this book before. Deserves repeating. This was really idiotic of me and she deserves my apologies and regrets.
Shalice and I started hanging out a couple nights a week after she got done with her nanny job during the day and I was crazy in love with her. Every time I looked into those eyes I would fall deeper and her smile filled me with joy.
Every time she touched my arm, hand or shoulder I would get butterflies. We laughed a lot and she loved to hear me sing. She knew what I wanted and she wanted it too, but she was being very cautious.
Or so I thought.
She was going through her third divorce and didn't ever want to fall in love again. She was hurting without a healthy relationship from a man to look back on. She was untrusting and jaded, but none of that mattered cause I could fix her with the power of love.
“I COULD FIX HER?”, I told myself.
Damn that sounds so stupid and arrogant to me now, but that was honestly how I thought.
How many people have tried to fix me?
Or they thought?
I get extra stupid when I am in love.
She eventually succumbed to my charm and not because I have game, because according to her I have no game and I now believe her. Hindsight looking back at every girlfriend I realized they made all the first moves.
She’s right. I have no game.
Our first time hanging out was at a craft place where you get to paint something and then they bake in the kiln for you to pick up later. She said it was not a date.
Bullshit! It was too a date and she admitted it months later.
I made her a turtle, because it's our family animal, and she made me a coffee mug with a sun, moon, and stars on it.
On the bottom she wrote, "Good Morning Sunshine" with hearts, but yeah not a date my ass.
I would post pics on facebook with me drinking out of the coffee mug to let her know I was thinking about her. Besides the texts first thing in the morning and the late night texts till she was cross eyed tired.
She finally agreed to a first date. Second really! We went to Las Vegas for a wedding.
Yep, our first date aka second was a road trip from Southern California to Las Vegas for her Brother's Wedding.
Some would say that's too much and too fast, but I was gonna marry this woman and make babies with her. So not too fast for me, because I always wanted a wife and kids.
And we were getting older.
This was the first time I met her family. Literally at the wedding. It was a cool little gathering of rockabilly friends and a fast ceremony. Then the party started and this crowd could drink. So could I.
She is a lightweight drinker and only has a few drinks here and there, but she gets very friendly and hands on after one drink.
So I was happy and having a good time. The night came to an end and we went back to the hotel. This would be our first time having sex and solidifying our relationship physically.
Also the first time I have ever made love in my life.
You see a month earlier we were lying in my bed and talking about where this was going. I told her exactly what I wanted out of this relationship.
She didn't want that at all. In fact she told me that she had recently decided to become polyamorous. Meaning you are enamored by multiple people or multiple loves.
She would not be with one person, but would be with multiple guys as long as she had feelings for them. She wanted me to be polyamorous too, and so I thought about it.
Hence the confusion.
I am a one woman guy or could I? This was what made me think maybe I was supposed to be polyamorous too, and thinking maybe I was supposed to be with Shalice, Hayley, and the nameless Goddess.
Have a relationship with all 3 Women?
And I knew one was bisexual and now I was questioning the other two. The more I thought about it the more it felt like the polygamy of the old mormons.
NOPE! That didn’t feel right either and made me feel even more confused.
None of them apparently was the answer.
Then I told her that I was practicing celibacy and that I was giving that up for her. She would be my first since then.
She responded with, "No! I don't want to be your first in four years. That's too much responsibility. Go find some chick at a bar and sleep with her first. Or go try some guy first before me. Or an animal. I don't care. Just not me first."
Ouch! That hurt a lot.
"It is my gift that I have been saving and I give it to you. I don't want to have sex with anyone else, but you. I'm not into the stranger thing.", I told her.
"Are you sure?" She asked me. "You have never been with a guy? You aren't bi-sexual? How do you even know if you haven't tried it?"
"Because I am not gay or bi. I like women and women only." I said sharply.
"I think you would like it. You should definitely give a man a try first. Then I will have sex with you." She demanded of me.
"Why do you want me to be bisexual so bad?" I asked her.
"I just think you are and there is no point in hiding it." She said wickedly, smiling at me.
"Well, I am not and am not going to do that." I said pissed off.
"Fine! Then find some slut to sleep with or get a hooker first!" She shouted visibly upset at me.
That was not the last time we would discuss my sexuality and she would call it into question many times, but back to the moment in time.
We didn't stay in Vegas longer than that because I had to work and so did she. The road trip was fun and it was mostly filled with positive moments.
Next I invited her to my friend's wedding and had to beg for a plus one; because it was last minute just a few weeks before the wedding. I had never used a plus one for a wedding and was not expecting to have one.
Luckily Patty is awesome and made last minute changes for me. They even made her a personalized thank you's like they did for every guest. It was over the top sweet and thoughtful of them.
So our next date is another wedding. It was a fun wedding with all my friends and they were all excited to meet her.
Unfortunately, I got pretty drunk and we got in a fight in the car outside of my house.
When she went to leave I definitely overreacted and acted like a whiny little shit for sure. Not one of my best moments in life. She drove away thinking less of me and I would be making up for that moment for months.
And I would have thought less of me in that situation too.
I was her Thursday guy and other random nights when her other guys were not available.
I hated it. That’s not me.
I knew it wasn’t me and thought things would change. False hope.
She moved out of the apartment that she lived in with her soon to be Ex-Husband, and the new place felt like a new start for us. Not us but for her at least.
And I knew we couldn’t start anything real until that was done.
I was invited to spend more nights over there, because she thought I felt uncomfortable at her last place. It was actually that damned futon.
Who sleeps on a futon couch and not an actual bed?
Plus the futon mattress was so thin I may as well have slept on the floor. I am not a great sleeper as it is and neither is she, but I rarely got much rest when I stayed at her place.
I mean it’s a FUTON, not a bed!!!???
Took a while to get that truth out of me and she would spend more nights at my house. When she would come over it was straight into my room and she would avoid my sister.
You would think that would have been a red flag for me, but love is blinding it makes me stupid as fuck.
Tisha saw all the red flags and watched as this relationship changed me over the Summer in all the worst ways, and into the Fall as depression set in.
I went to surprise her at her new place and stopped by a Starbucks to pick up her favorite drink, but she was already there with another guy and her favorite drink. So I kept driving. Stupid me for trying to be thoughtful. I would never go by without an invitation again.
It was a turbulent Summer with more downs than ups, but I hung in there hoping for a future with the Woman I compared every girlfriend to over the decades.
This had to be fate, right???
Destiny and the dream woman?
She wanted to be polyamorous, but this is all just proving more and more to me that I am a one woman man.
Also I owe every Woman that tried to love me a huge apology for comparing them to Shalice in my mind. I also passed up on a lot of great relationship opportunities.
I had my own commitment issues from growing up. After watching my Dad die from cancer, my Grandpa, and Scout Master who was like a Father to me I thought I was cursed. I thought I would die from cancer too.
I figured I would have a short life and the last thing I wanted was to put the Woman I love through the torture of watching me slowly suffer and die. I had seen what it did to my Mom and the way she cursed God and cursed my Dad for leaving her a Widow to raise me by herself.
Kinda fucked me up good. So I vowed not to repeat that history.
Surprise I did not die from cancer and am writing this now a few years older than my Dad was when he died. I never thought I would be here still, but that story is coming in another chapter.
And my skin crawled from every single human touch after I was molested.
It took massive amounts of alcohol, drugs, or weed to relax me enough to allow a woman to even touch me and even get things started. Yet, didn't like drunk or drugged sex.
Shalice broke up with me and ended our relationship, but we remained friends and in contact. Which was my mistake.
Our communication was a lot better as friends, because she would not get mad at me and block me on her phone, or be jealous of my facebook friends.
That was a real problem for her. That drove me crazy too when we were together. She would get mad at me over facebook posts and block me on her phone for days at a time. All because I would make a facebook post about work or friends before text her.
Back then facebook put the exact time you would make the post and they do not do that anymore. She would get so jealous over my FB Friends. It was a constant argument with her.
“I don’t want to share you with the world!” She would tell me in bed. You see the irony too I’m sure. After all, I was only one of her guys and had to share her.
But I wasn’t allowed to be my sunshine self and help people like GOD wanted?
That's what she meant by share me with the world.
“I have told you. My life is not my own. I have a duty to be open and honest as an example to humanity.”, I reminded her.
Though She didn’t believe in the religion we both grew up in she did believe in GOD and also believed in my responsibility to him. I had told her about my accident and she knew I was a gifted empath.
She believed in my future and that I was here to help as many people as God put in my path, but she didn’t want to share me with anyone or the world.
There were days I could feel her at work. My empath power with her was so in tune it affected my days deeply.
“How do you always know I’m having a bad day?”, she would text me back.
After our break up I became very depressed and when I got home would put earphones in and crank up sad music. I would come in the back door and not make eye contact with my sister. I would go straight to my room and spend my time completely alone in my sorrow.
This went on for months. My Sister was right to be concerned. You see, all Summer I kept trying to get her to make plans with me for her Birthday. She is 11 days older than me and I couldn’t wait to celebrate it with her.
“I don’t know if we will still be together by then.” She would always respond.
“Can you even be in a relationship that long? Especially with your history!” She would verbally stab me.
Not settling and waiting for a special love somehow was a negative.
Everything was a negative with her and still the weekly questioning of my sexuality. I think she got off on pushing my buttons and punishing me mentally.
Anyway, we stayed in contact all through fall and let’s fast forward to her birthday at the end of November.
She ended up going to Las Vegas to spend the weekend with whatever guy she preferred.
Before leaving she had decided to take a page out of my book and go celibate like me. I had broken my celibacy with her in the Spring and have not been with anyone after her since to this day.
Which kinda sucks because the sex was not great even though she talked a great game about how great she was in bed. Now who has the game?? LOL She had some wet-ass pussy like Cardi B and got there faster than any Woman I have ever been with, but that doesn’t mean she was active and great at it.
She had that mormon taught “it’s my duty as a Woman to give it up” attitude and had told me as much. I was never denied sex when I wanted it, but that’s not enjoyable and not love making either.
Besides I’ve established that I had no pick up game and every past girlfriend instigated sex with me. I have never been one to beg for it or pursue it.
I had actively engaged partners that we enjoyed exploring each other’s bodies. So this was new to me and not enjoyable. Unless she had enough drinks in her and she initiated it.
But now she is gonna stop having sex with her boyfriends?
She called me around midnight on her way home from Vegas.
I did not answer the call because I was asleep. Which is really rare for me to fall asleep before midnight.
I usually fell asleep around 2 am at this time in my life, but I think I was drinking heavily that night and smoked a lotta pot to stop thinking about her being in Vegas with someone else.
I woke up and saw the missed call that next morning and called her back with no answer. So I text her to check in on her because something wasn’t right and I could feel it.
I was still deeply connected to her as an empath. She did not answer me for a few days and got mad at me for not answering the phone that night. Then she told me what happened.
On their first night there they went out to celebrate and then went back to their room. He wanted to continue celebrating and that’s when she told him she was going celibate.
This angered him. So he tried to beat her up and rape her.
Tried anyway. Shalice is a Valkyrie Viking Badass and that didn’t happen. She kicked and hopefully kicked his ass causing some damage to get free. Grabbed her purse and bolted out the door.
Got to her car and got the hell out of there. She had called me on her drive home, but I had not answered.
She assumed I was ignoring her because I was usually awake at that time.
During our conversation I was blamed for her going celibate and the attempted rape. I could feel her rage, pain, shame, and the darkness that action had created swirling around her as a victim.
This would fuck me up. I knew I wasn’t to blame but I shared the blame anyway, and let the darkness consume me.
That day I showed up for work drunk but I had been showing up drunk a lot so they couldn’t tell. Plus as a bartender for 15 years working while drunk was typical in many establishments I had worked in.
Besides, I was just hating the shitty owners of that place and was so miserable there that I was drinking a lot before work. As well as I was depressed from the Summer and all through Fall.
I was already in a dark place in my life as it was. I decided that day to pull a ‘Leaving Las Vegas’.
`Leaving Las Vegas’ is a 1995 movie with Nicolas Cage and Elizabeth Shue about a man down on his luck who is trying to drink himself to death and it’s also a love story. It’s a powerful gripping sad movie that dives deep into the depths of the darkness of mental health and our humanity.
I have always loved that movie and it seemed like a good way to take myself out. This was my suicide attempt. Slow and painful. I felt like I deserved a slow death and all the pain and all the darkness. I felt like I deserved it all.
I stopped eating to quicken the process and lived off of alcohol for the next week. All while going about my normal work schedule and nobody noticed.
Which sadly says more about the state of misery I had been in for a long time than it does about other people’s observation skills.
It was my birthday and I worked like I do every year. I always worked my birthday on purpose because I got extra tips and played it up to my regular customers. I would even say that management made me work on my birthday.
That was never ever once true and I had discovered a decade ago that my birthday was a big money day, and I’m not always an idiot so I used that as some extra sympathy tipping motivation.
After my lunch shift I went home and proceeded to binge drink alone. I can not remember where Tisha was, but she was not home; and I drank a lot. Think I put down a handle of rum by myself that day.
“K.C.! K.C. wake up! You need to go to bed!”, said an angel.
That angel is my best friend and Brother in life Batt. “I had a feeling and something told me to come over and check on you.” That would be Jesus. GOD!
He’s a Catholic and listened to the prompting of our Savior to come and save me.
He drove all the way from his home in Riverside to our house in Lake Forest, California.
That’s a good hour drive or more depending on traffic and the time of the day. I blacked out and passed out on the stairs leading to upstairs.
My bedroom is not upstairs.
If he had not shown up I probably would have choked to death on my tongue or my own vomit. That’s where he found me on my back at the bottom of the stairs.
He helped me up and helped me to my bed. I’m pretty sure he did most of the lifting as I barely even remember it.
I woke up the next day to a mess. I had defecated myself in my sleep. That means I shit the bed for those that don’t want to look up that word. It was all over me too.
I had rolled around in my own poop all night.
So I made my way to the shower and cleaned myself off.
Batt stayed the night on the couch to make sure I survived and told me about how he found me last night.
He saved my life and was my guardian angel that night.
He was definitely heaven sent and I remind him as often as I can whether he likes it or not.
Because I love you Batt.
I think we went and got some Mexican breakfast, because nothing helps a hangover like spicy greasy Mexican food for me.
Plus it’s one of my favorite styles of food out there. I can eat Mexican food daily.
Not Tex-Mex because that’s horrible food. Yuck! No, Texans it is not even close to the same thing.
I started eating again and stopped my ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ attempt on my life, and started living again.
Weeks later Jason was in town for his yearly xmas trip from his home in Germany. I went to hang out with him, like usual, at a time share overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Newport Beach, but this would not be the usual chill time.
We were having drinks and chatting about a million different topics like usual, and went to go soak in the jacuzzi by the pool. After about 10 minutes of boiling to relax I was hit with a pain I had never experienced before in my life.
The type of pain I would not wish on NO MAN EVER and not even my worst enemies.
My right testicle felt like it was gonna burst. Like someone was stabbing me in the balls with a red hot knife.
And only the right one.
The pain shot through me like hot lightning into my gut and down my right leg. Like I was in hell and the fake devil has just invented a special kind of torture just for me.
“This is it!”, I thought. “The big C. I have cancer and testicular cancer as well! Fuck!!!” I screamed in my head. Jason, unaware of my agony and I got out of the hot tub.
Over the next week the pain would grow exponentially and a few times knocked me to my knees, literally not figuratively, while at work; and I caught myself on the end of the bar or I would have hit the floor.
I thought of curling up in the fetal position until I died.
But lived on and labored on for the Green's restaurant.

Chapter 10 - 2014 AD

Shalice was blocked on my phone and on facebook, and in January she started sending me emails.
They were not friendly and filled with anger towards me. She didn’t understand my silence and the new boundaries I had set for myself.
Honestly, neither did I.
I was never one to set boundaries and was an open book to anyone that wanted to read me.
In fact it took me a few years after this to start setting more boundaries with myself for people, and the hardest part is setting them with family.
As usual, that's an upcoming chapter.
I did not respond to her emails.
I did not text or call.
I did not reach out.
Which for me was extremely difficult, but after a few weeks the emails lost their anger and softened with a more gentle kind nature to them; and by February the emails said something different entirely.
She wanted me back and swore she had changed.
So I reached out to her and let her know she didn’t know what she was asking, because I was really sick and things had changed drastically for me the last month.
The pain was relentless and every work shift at the bar was getting more and more difficult to make it through.
She didn’t care because she loved me and wanted to be with me forever.
Can you feel the foreshadowing?
We arranged a meeting on a Tuesday and I picked a park across the street from the mormon church on Los Alisos I went to as a 17 year old that was actually a single’s ward only.
I had to get special permission to go there; and they had to say yes because I wouldn’t stop going and refused to go back to my ward.
The bishop of my ward had physically threatened me with violence and I don’t put up with that shit. Plus my sister, Tina, was going there and I wanted to be close to her in those times.
And I have a history with creepy bishops that think they are smarter than me or can bully me or control me or want to molest me.
Creepy fucking mormon cult.
I see right through these small minded little fucking evil men of the mormon community.
And there are a lot of them!
There was a small little walking park across the street. I sat on a bench with her to talk.
She begged me to get back together with her. I didn’t want to and told her how much she had wounded me; and that I didn’t trust her.
She cried and pleaded her case, and tears are like my kryptonite. I reminded her that I thought I had Testicular Cancer and this was not gonna be easy.
She didn’t care and would be by my side. I gave in and told her we could try, but that I would be reservedly cautious about this and she better put in the effort without ghosting me again when she’s mad.
Because that would be an immediate we are over!
She agreed and we hugged. Then left in a relationship again.
Two days later she was really upset with me holding back in the relationship and didn’t understand why I wasn’t the same openly freely loving K.C. towards her that I was before.
So I told her that I was all in with my heart and did so. She started sleeping at my house regularly after she got done with her nanny job.
Once again she wasn’t sleeping well cause she was overly concerned about disturbing my sleep.
You don’t sleep much when you are in as much pain as I’m in; and get to sleep when you hit that total exhaustion state or “hit the wall” as the saying goes.
Then she decided she wanted me to meet her Dad.
What???
Maybe she has changed. That’s a big deal. She never offered that before and I never even met her Dad back in high school days.
So we arranged dinner with him on a Tuesday exactly 2 weeks after our meeting in the park.
Things had definitely changed and I wanted to make love with the woman I loved.
She was much more engaging in that now, but was always worried about it hurting me in my condition.
Nothing about it hurt but it was slightly uncomfortable when I did climax; and knowing that only made her more nervous about having sex with me.
I still wanted to marry her and make a family. She warned me that she wasn’t on the pill anymore and if I wanted kids then it would happen.
“Go ahead if you really want to. That’s up to you.” She told me. This was during intercourse and I had a decision to make.
Do I really want kids with her after everything she put me through?
Will this last?
Will she use the kids against me?
She has put me through hell in the past every time her period was late.
I decided, NO. Not a good idea right now. After all, I have cancer now and saw what that did to my mom and the family after Dad died.
Now I’m in the exact situation I never wanted to be in or create.
What happens when I die?
What happens to our kid?
What will happen to her?
Will this break her?
Will this break my kid?
Will this leave lasting scars on both of them the way it did me and my Mom and sisters?
Too many if’s and questions.
That was the last time we made love and I silently chose not to try and put a baby in her.
A few days later I drove to Anaheim to meet her Dad.
It was an uncomfortable meal for sure.
He was kind of a difficult and opinionated man, but that’s nothing I can’t handle.
The energy between them was toxic as hell and that’s what made it also so uncomfortable.
I had heard all the growing up stories from her, but honestly I did not find him as bad as she made him sound; but I didn’t grow up with him and don’t really know do I. He just seemed like an old flawed man to me.
But I also know how abusers make themselves look innocent.
And tend to believe women when talking about abusive guys in any manner.
I was preoccupied with our relationship and my health, and probably didn't see him truly.
After dinner we shake hands and pleasantries before he drives away.
“We need to talk.” She says as he pulls out of the restaurant.
You gotta be kidding me!
“What?!” I exclaimed.
“This isn’t working for me.” She tells me.
“What’s not working?” I ask.
“This. Us. I didn’t sign up for this. How can we start a relationship with this chaos? It’s not fair.” She complains.
I won’t bore you with the rest of that conversation because it seems so long ago now and I don’t remember everything any more.
So I drove off angry as fuck listening to loud rock and roll screaming at the top of my lungs.
We text back and forth for days but I’m not answering her calls. I don’t want to talk to her. For good reason.
Friday I finally decided to take her call.
She’s confused by my reluctance to have a conversation with her in the first place after breaking up with me only 2 weeks after getting back together and after meeting her Dad for the first time.
Like WTF??!
How does anyone do that and then not understand my reluctance?
“Look, I just want to take a step backwards and be your friend.” She told me.
“I can’t do that. I can’t go backwards. I love you too much. I have always loved you. You know that I have always loved you. I can not just be your friend after everything we have been through.” I replied.
“I just want to be by your side and help you through all this as a friend. Then ‘if’ you get through this we can think about maybe trying to date again.” Her words hit hard.
“No way. If you can’t be by my side do or die then you won’t be by my side at all.” My words came angrily off my lips.
“I don’t understand. No one has refused my limited love before?” She questioned me, confused.
“There it is. Limited. You begged me 2 weeks ago to get back together and then got mad that I wasn’t all in, but want me to accept your limited love?!! I deserve someone that gives me their everything like I give. Goodbye .” I replied.
And forever goodbye.
I immediately blocked her on my phone and facebook.
I got an email later that day full of rage and saying how abusive and evil I was; and that she will always be scared of me.
Okay, whatever. Like any of that rings true to me.
This broke me and made me bitter. I never thought I would love again and certainly would not entertain the idea of dating at all.
It didn’t make me suicidal again but it definitely made me depressed and drink more alcohol than I was last year.
And the last text I got before blocking her on my phone claimed she was pregnant.
Another last attempt at manipulation.
Two weeks after meeting Shalice’s Dad, and four weeks after our conversation I finally made it in to see a doctor.
I did not have testicular cancer or cancer at all in any form.
I had a bacterial infection in my testicles from rolling around in my own poop/shit/feces when I tried to drink myself to death.
The young doctor gave me a 2 week prescription for antibiotics according to his text book education. The doctor was referred to me by Tina, and he was really nice.
The pain went away after 2 days, and I still felt the pressure down there.
I continued taking the medication until it was gone, and only 2 days after my last pill the extreme pain in my right testicle returned at work and dropped me to the ground in agony.
I go back to the facility to get more antibiotics filled, and the doctor tells me he can not give me more because he gave me the appropriate amount according to his knowledge.
I asked him if he took into consideration how long I had this incubated in my body before I saw him in the first place, but of course his pride was insulted and he dismissed me for questioning his intelligence and profession. Then he walked out.
As I went to leave the front desk asked me how I wanted to pay. I was surprised by the question, and stopped to inquire.
Turns out they didn’t even accept my insurance. The most expensive top tier insurance you can pay for with blue cross at the time that I had saved up for 3 months to afford.
So I told them to bill me, and never paid it. Since services were never rendered properly, and I was never helped or listened to or healed.
I then went to another doctor's office and sat in agonizing pain for 3 hours to find out that they too did not accept my expensive insurance.
After 2 more doctor offices refusing to help or see me I knew I had to heal myself.
I went online and ordered illegal ‘life saving’ antibiotics from India, and waited another month and a half for them to arrive.
All while working my job, and catching myself on the end of the bar so I wouldn’t crash to the floor.
I took those antibiotics for 2 full months over the summer. Until I didn’t feel any pressure in my testicle, and the pain was gone.
All because of the systemic evil made to work this way healthcare in america ‘the great’?
If we had free healthcare for all then I wouldn't have gone immediately to a doctor backe when it all started in December.
I could have seen a therapist for the depression I was going through, and not tried to kill myself and making myself sick in the first place.
Then it wouldn't have incubated so long in me, because I was afraid of becoming financially bankrupt or more financially unstable than I already was waiting to pay for insurance.
This whole incident had to compromise my immune system even more than I knew. I do now.

Chapter 11 - 2016 AD

June 2016 and my truck engine has been acting funny the last day or two.
Then it died while on the 5 freeway.
The engine would be $1500 to fix and that was not money I could afford, because I wasn’t making much money at Yardhouse in Irvine.
A busser was angry at me for some bullshit, and was stealing most of my cash tips all summer long.
Management was punishing me for refusing to become a bartender and split my tips with those lazy ass bartenders they had working there.
I could have run circles around them, and knew how much money I was worth.
They also were punishing me for refusing to become one of their server trainers. I had done that at every restaurant I had worked at and just wanted to be left alone and make money.
Plus I barely made it through my own training, and didn’t understand why I was having memorization issues with the menu. I had never had this much issue at any restaurant before learning the menu.
That didn’t seem to bother them, because they knew I was smarter than that too.
But something was clearly off with me mentally, and I had know idea what it was yet.
I was given a Friday night cocktail running shift during summer, and that was supposed to switch to different people. I don’t get my own section and get tipped out by the servers.
I lose money every time I do this, and during that summer I am being stolen from by another employee.
And I have no idea how to bring attention to it without looking like the typical racist white guy.
But that cocktail shift on Friday became permanently mine, because one British manager felt the need to punish me
Or everybody else sucked and was so lazy at doing it that they just kept making me do it since I don’t half ass that. Even as much as I hate it.
A month later my right elbow really started giving me a lot of pain, and that same fucking asshole British guy wouldn’t take my old ass off that shift.
So when Skyloft recruited me I was very excited to quit and leave that abusive corporation, and their fucked up management team.
Skyloft did not live up to a single thing they promised me either, and the greedy self centered server manager at that restaurant fucked me out of thousands of dollars.
They worked me to near death, and abused my kindness and hard work more than any restaurant in 20 years.
But Skyloft sure did have a great view.
And of course some cool humans I got to end my career with.

Chapter 12 - 2017 AD

It is 2017 and I refer to this as my year of pain. Or where I thought it all began.
It is good Friday April the fourteenth and Hayley has invited me to join her at church.
“GO!” GOD said clearly and loudly.
“I thought you said I was not allowed in any churches whatsoever?” I reminded GOD while reading her text message on my phone.
“GO.” was all he said.
“Not forcing my JESUS upon you.” part of the message read and I laughed out loud. If she only knew the truth about my Jesus I thought.
I was invited to a Friday night service, but I was a gross sweaty smelly mess after work and between traffic and cleaning myself up I missed the service. Wasn’t walking into GOD’s house like that.
The next night I went to a bar to see a band with her church friends and the guy she was interested in. I should not have gone that night, and I just got way too drunk and overly moody jealous over it or was that her plan?
The band was great and her friends are great too. I also should not have driven home that night, and GOD did most of the driving that night. What an embarrassment I was!
So I went to Newport Church with her on Sunday April 13th even though there is nothing I can learn about GOD from these people.
But to my surprise GOD’s message was there.
The Senior Pastor, and 2 Junior Pastors each had a few sentences verbatim that were the same as facebook posts I had made 3 weeks earlier when I was being a messenger of GOD.
That people always just wrote off as “drunk rants by kc”.
So I spent the whole day with her at her new church and as she awkwardly introduced me to people I could tell which older people she looked up to by her shy demeanor. Everyone is drawn to her as usual and she has no idea why. I know why though.
After the usual christian bible worship bullshit study session was over we left and I was invited to join her and her friend for lunch. Of course I was excited to spend any time with her I could and get to know her friend.
After some great Pho, with her and her friend Jasmine ,they invited me back to the night service which was mostly music. And I do love music. Not usually this kind of music, but I was with someone I loved so that made that particular type of music joyful for the first time in my life.
I text her the next day to tell her how much I enjoyed spending the day with her. Told her I could join them on artwork for Thursday.
However, May the Force was not strong with me that night on the 4th of May in Laguna Beach and I was not a balanced Jedi.
Normally a nerdy day to celebrate Star Wars movies, but she invited me to the art walk with her and friends. Of course I went anywhere I was invited to be with her that I could make it, and tried not to agree to anything unless I was absolutely sure I could make it on time.
But something dark in me surfaced I have not seen in a long while and I spiraled down into loneliness and depression while surrounded by Hayley and her friends.
So I disappeared from them, didn't feel welcomed anyway, into the crowd watching the band and lost myself in the music. Stuck in my mind swirling around thoughts of sadness, loneliness, and darkness.
The music stopped and my leg was vibrating. I pull my phone out of my pocket and it is a text from Hayley asking me what I am doing. I had disappeared like I tend to do when I am not feeling seen.
I looked up and everything was dark and blurry. My vision was not clear and I was still in the darkness of a foggy head.
BUT there she was lit up like the Angel in that darkness.
The only thing I could see clearly through the haziness of my own eyes.
Bright like the sun in the galaxy.
Completely still with everything swirling around her as she was staring right into my soul.
She was the only thing I could see and she saw me. I felt seen.
She was comfortable and home.
She was warmth and love and light.
She pulled me out of the darkness, and so I went over to her to say my good nights and leave. So as not to dim her light and bring her into my sadness. I felt too seen.
The next day, Friday May 5th, I would send her an audio message pouring my heart out, but told her I could live with being just friends. I honestly felt that way.
I got this as a reply, “Thank you for respecting our friendship :) I know you have a deeper love than just your basic friendship. But I appreciate your ability to understand what God has in store for our relationship”
Monday, May 8th and I woke up with a clear memory from my past.
I found the source of darkness inside me, and remembered when and where I took it upon myself to help another.
But I had forgotten about it, and now GOD had shown it to me.
The purging of it was going to be difficult and GOD told me, “Do not bring this around Hayley. You must keep your distance.” and I was happy to keep that away from the future Mother of my kids.
Tuesday, May 9th and GOD gave me a special gift.
Hayley wanted some more Cannabis salve for her boss and friends to try so I dropped some off at her work and bolted fast. I was too emotionally compromised to be around her and was having a hard time controlling my emotions in general, because of the darkness hiding in me. Especially around her I just was a mess.
Tisha was leaving tomorrow for a month to be with Ashlie during a difficult pregnancy, and she is needed with her baby and grand babies. Ash was in the emergency room and we were all worried.
Though, I worry about all my nieces and nephews like they were my own.
We had just barely got Tiberius to start putting weight back on. He doesn’t eat much when Tish is gone. So we took the dogs for a walk high above the world in Laguna Beach.
And while coming back up a trail with the dogs, that my sister could not join us on, the GOD Mother showed herself to me through nature like she has done my entire life.
I stopped to catch my breath and my breath was taken away by what happened next.
I look up the hill to see what is left of the climb and a Hawk is flying down the ridge of the hill right above the trail at head level, and she is flying directly at my face with full eye contact.
I stood completely still frozen in my tracks and time seems to have slowed down just enough for me to be totally in the moment with Mother Nature and this Mother Hawk.
She glided down the path towards me and peered into my soul, and when she got within 20 feet of me she banked hard to her right and my left. She barrel rolls turning hard right and straight down the edge of the steep downgrade hill that would kill me if I fell down it.
And then I saw her two babies following right behind her, one after next doing the exact same aerial maneuver with less certainty and all the awkwardness of beginner flyers.
I had just witnessed flying lessons from a Mother Hawk in a personal way few will experience. The world was full of life and signs for me.
And after 20 years of working mostly weekends and especially Sunday’s in sports bars I had suddenly got my Sundays off from Skyloft, and that felt like a great sign to continue going to this new church Christ gave me permission to go to.
And every week a few more sentences matched up perfectly with the pastors and my facebook late night posts that I posted almost exactly 3 weeks earlier to the day.
So I was going to the early morning service every week, but she was not there.
And I felt like I was supposed to be there right then.
She had no idea I was going weekly and I was hoping to see the surprise on her face when she saw me helping set up chairs early every week.
I would also be up late at night translating the word of GOD, and GOD would not allow me to sleep until it was right and correct. It is exhausting on many levels that most humans could not bear.
I would astral project at night when dreaming, and when on the massage table getting worked on. I would leave my body far behind. Always end up in the same 3 galaxies and star clusters after several worm holes. Can't wait to find out what and where those places are in the universe.
May 10th, and Tish has flown to Texas to help Ash. These are stressful times for the family.
Hayley texted to check on me, because she heard at church my family was asking for general prayers; and I told her everything because I wanted her to know everything at all times and be open and honest. She understood and sent prayers and support.
Except about what GOD won't let me tell her.
Thursday, May 11th the next day and she offered to meet up on Sunday at church and get lunch after.
Which would be Mother’s Day, and that is the one of the few days a year that I go to Mom's church with her. Even though it eats at my soul each time.
She said to stay strong or “break apart” giving me permission to be a complete mess around her and vulnerable like few Women have given me a safe space to do so in my life.
But I was in a dark place already and missed reading the intention of that and thought she wanted time apart from me, because of everything going on in my life.
She compared me to a tornado and Shalice left me because she said my life was chaos.
I was triggered and got defensive in a long winded text message that I did not get a reply to or about. Nor any of the following text messages throughout the rest of the week or weekend either.
But I was blind to my own actions at the time.
Others may see chaos all around me and surrounding me or consuming me. They may see a tempest, hurricane or tornado and destructive natural disaster.
But that is the only the debri they see flying around me.
For I am calm and at peace in my heart and soul.
Like in the eye of the tornado when you look up you would only see clear skies.
Because I am the tornado and keep those in my circle safe and they do not have to fear a destructive path of devastation.
Friday, May 12th and while parking in my favorite paid parking spot closest to the restaurant GOD clearly said, “Do Not Park Here!”
But I was lucky to even find these spots if they were available, and didn’t want to walk up the hill at 2am again after a long hard shift that I was too old for and in far too much pain to ignore. That I ignored anyway.
So I parked there and ignored GOD’s very clear message. Worked my butt off and went home to drink myself to sleep with rum like usual, and continue my deep dark dive into my soul and find what I couldn’t find for the last few weeks.
I was getting my soul ready for marriage and kids, and contemplating becoming a restaurant manager again for the financial security for my future family. Plus the health insurance that I have never had and we would need it to become parents.
Saturday, May 13th and while parking my sister's car again in that same parking lot, because my vehicle’s engine broke down a few weeks ago from the same engine problem and we were sharing her car.
“Do Not Park Here!” GOD was louder today than yesterday, but I was running late thanks to traffic again and needed to eat before work. They were working me to death with few breaks and no time for meals.
I park my sister’s car and go to work unhappy to be there and be forced to cocktail in the downstairs bar on a Saturday night with a live band. Sounds like a good money making night, but it is not and they want a Woman serving them. I have complained about this regularly to management.
I make $30 after tipping the busser, food runners, and bartenders. Then make my way to Tisha’s car to hurry home and drink myself stupid to try and sleep to meet Hayley at church for Mother’s Day.
The car was not currently on state registration and got towed and impounded while I was at work. Mad as fuck I walk back to work to see who will be off next to give me a ride home, and it will be a few hours. I did not get off early to sit there for hours.
I downloaded the Uber app and ordered my very first ride share. I watch my Uber driver pass me 3 times on the street corner and then cancel my ride. So I grab a taxi cab home and with the tip comes out to $30.
I pour myself a pint size rum and coke with very little coke and drink it down in a few gulps. I load some cannabis and smoke a bowl.
I lather my neck and back and almost entire body in Daylene’s cannabis salve for all the body pain I am trying to ignore and drink away. I make 2 more pint size drinks and pound them down to pass out for the night.
Not proud of this alcoholic behavior, but I was purging the darkness in me too by over drowning it. It only surfaced when I would drink, and that was the only way I could confront it.
And then I stopped drinking regularly after that.
I would only have a few drinks here and there over the next 2 years after that.
However, I needed money to fix my truck, but couldn’t pick up any shifts for Sunday morning. So I called and found where my Sister’s car was being held and how much money it would take to get it out on Monday when they opened up.
But first I had to tell my sis on Mother’s Day that I got her car towed last night.
That only added to my stress to find out that it was not insured or registered, and that was more costs I couldn’t afford before even getting her car out of impound to use to get to work to make money to fix my truck.
The chaos hurricane that is called my life.
So I called Tina and told her to come pick me up and take me to Tonya’s for family dinner. She came and got me with the top down to enjoy the beautiful southern California weather.
And I rode in silence listening to music.
But my heart and head were not silent at all, and I gave over full control of the wheel to Jesus Christ to steer me down the road.
Or so I told him and thought to myself.
But did not fully as you will see.
The year before I had pulled Tonya aside at her house on Thanksgiving or some fucking dumb holiday to give her a message from our dead Dad, David Ellis Murdock, who had been keeping me up at nights bugging me for weeks before.
“Tell her to be nicer to her siblings. I am disappointed in her behavior towards her family.” He would tell me, but I pushed back knowing her too well to tell him she would not listen nor accept that message from a little brother she obviously hates with everything in her.
So I reluctantly went to tell her, but she cut me off at the word “Dad”, and in her angry condescending tone she glared at me through those soulless eyes and said,
“I have a family and you are not in it. If Dad has a message for me he would come through my husband and the patriarch of our family.”
Translation: mormon language for go fuck yourself you sinning piece of shit that I hate for even being born into our family!
That is typical brainwashing indoctrination of those satan worshiping tricksters that have condemned millions of souls to an eternity of pain because Joseph Smith and Brigham Young said so, but that ain’t my problem either. I am not their Savior. I am his messenger.
But I went to spend some time with Abby and Davey, and Mom.
Even though I was working out some personal issues with her from our past and present. That doesn’t change how much I love her.
Apologized to Hayley for not being able to make it to church without a ride or having the financial means to get there in a text. No reply from her.
Monday, May 15th I got a text from Hayley saying that she was rock climbing all weekend and out of cell phone service range.
Which confuses me and sends me into a tailspin further wondering why she would even offer to meet me at church on such a special day if she knew she was not gonna be there?
Monday, May 22nd and I finally heard from her again a week later to see how I am doing.
To which I am honest about how bad I am doing, but still vague about why. I am still very confused by her actions from last week, and I had spent every night alone drinking heavier than I was before in fighting the darkness hiding inside me.
“Your own blows or the whirlwind around you ? What's going on?” She asked
I replied with my usual over sharing too much in a text.
“All of the above this time. Went from being strong for family. To getting smacked in the face myself by life. Gonna be a rough few weeks bouncing back financially.
And I'm still purging the heaviest negative energy that I never realized I was carrying until 2 weeks ago that is part of the reason I've been on a purification of soul for so long and been celibate.
And why I'm hesitant to touch women.
Plenty of good things are going on too.
I've also been thinking about you and wanted to thank you. Might be nothing to you but it meant the world to me.”
And I went on, “In a rough time in my life you gave me such generosity and kindness. I was going bat shit crazy and my insomnia was at an unbearable level. You opened up your personal space to me and let me sleep with you when I was in between places. Still some of the best sleep I've ever had and I never really thanked you for those nights of peace and calm. So Thank You.” I ignorantly offered.
Wow, well you're welcome lol. I try to extend where I can in a healthy amount lol” She sent back.
But people hide things behind awkward laughs as is human nature.
I told her we needed a private in person conversation about church and Jesus, because not everybody knew my truth, and I felt like she was ready to hear the truth. She still had know idea I had been at church every week, and only thought I went that one time.
I was still stewing over her Mother’s Day invite that seemed cold hearted to me. I was angry and it definitely read as much, but my grammar was not precise either and must have left her more confused than I was at the time.
Friday, May 26th I was finally clear of all the darkness I was purging.
A year before I ever met Hayley I was casually dating a wonderful woman with the sweetest little daughter.
I was always trying to be careful with dating single Mothers after the last time. In my 20’s I found out I was the other man and she was cheating on her fiancé with me. This was the first time dating a Mom since then.
I took her out of town and got a hotel room for us, and concert tickets to my favorite band Chicago. I wanted to share something special with her and their music was always where I started with any relationship when I wanted to express myself. Chicago is my love language.
We had a great night and we both got super drunk. I realized that night that I was not in love with her and was not going to fall in love with her. I had been in this situation my entire life, but things had been pretty casual I thought so far.
So we had some amazing sex that night in the hotel, and I remember it clearly still. As well as every second after. She excused herself to go take a shower, and that is nothing unusual after inner-course in my experience.
But I knew something felt off and that shower was taking a long time. So I went into the bathroom to join her. I have always enjoyed bathing with another and cleaning them and taking care of them.
However, I found her hugging her knees and shivering in the tube with cold water showering over her.
I immediately turned the heat up and got in behind her, wrapping her in my arms and legs. To which she fully embraced and let go of everything.
She relived the moment her fiancé had tried to rape and kill her in front of her little girls a few years ago, and told me all about it.
Knowing I had a gift from GOD that I rarely used for people I knew what I had to do, and absorbed all that darkness from her to help free her. An act of pure love. GOD’s love. That love that drives everything I do and why people want to be around me, but don’t know why. It ain’t for my sunshine, but for GOD’s love and light that emanates from his messenger Angel.
And easily seen as love in her eyes, but you should have seen how free she was after that. I broke things off with her as gently as I could, and ran into her friend years down the road. She is a happily married Woman with more kids, and that couldn’t make me happier.
I hope all my Ex’s are happy.
But I am still texting with no replies still from Hayley.
As I inquired further to see if she saw that darkness in me recently; and 9 years ago when we first met, and she hesitantly granted me that date I was late for?
I had finally known why GOD told me to pray with Hayley on Mother’s Day. I ask her to pray to GOD about me and not for me? For wisdom, knowledge, and for understanding about me.
People sure do like to pray for me a lot when they have no fucking idea I am GOD’s oldest Angel servant. I do not have Guardian Angels. GOD is my that.
In fact you dumb ass fucking humans do not even all get Guardian Angels either. Some of you do, but they are special. You are not all special.
Those ancestors you think are helping you are stuck between existences waiting for final judgment day, because their deeds were not good enough for a direct ticket into heaven nor bad enough for eternal damnation. Their souls' fates are still undetermined.
BUT you keep listening to those ancestors you say you are making proud while continuing the same cycles of sin.
That is the true generational curse!
Then I had a dream about my Dream Woman with the loving eyes and blurry face, and that face became no longer blurry. My destiny was finally revealing the truth to me.
And it was Hayley.
Is that why she visited my dreams as a kid?
Because she was younger than me and hadn't been born yet?
Sunday, May 28th sometime after noon, and I was hungry after church.
But I am always hungry.
I sat down in my favorite local restaurant at a table top on the patio by myself. I immediately ordered table side guacamole, my favorite carnitas plate, and a Cadillac Margarita when they dropped off the chips.
Then instantly I was out of my body and in Heaven.
This had never happened this way before. There were no worm holes through galaxies or trips. I was not asleep or in a deep state of relaxation.
I was wide awake and zapped directly to Heaven for a face to face with Jesus Christ.
This was also different from every other trip to Heaven.
Heaven is finite. You can see every aspect of it and all the entrances like it is the grand central station in New York city constantly on the move and never full.
Nor will I tell you how many entrances there are, because somethings should be a surprise for those with good deeds to see for their own rainbow light body souls selves and the rainbow clouds around Heaven.
Heaven was full. Full from front to back all facing me.
GOD in front as always with the other 2 parts of the Holy Trinity behind him to his left and right.
He motioned with his right hand and introduced the great Buddha.
He motioned with his left hand and introduced the GOD Mother known as Ishtar and many names.
Behind Buddha lining up to his right was in order: My dad, David Ellis Murdock, then behind him to his right was his dad, Glenn Murdock, and to his right was his son, Uncle Larry Murdock, and down the line went cousins and family.
Behind GOD Mother lining up to her left was: Tiberius (told you Dog’s are Angel guardian friends you already knew) Anne, Aaron, and countless friends on the other side.
Lined up behind them were all of my Angel brothers, sisters, and they/them shoulder to shoulder united in support and all facing me. It was glorious to be Home and surrounded by love.
Then GOD looked at me and said, “Get the fried ice cream. We don’t have that here.”
And I was back in my body with my head spinning and making me so dizzy I had to grab onto the table so I wouldn’t fall out of my chair.
I look around at my surroundings and nobody is looking at me funny or noticed a damn thing. Not that these blind ass humans ever would.
My margarita arrives and I immediately order another and a Fried Ice Cream for dessert, because Christ just basically commanded me too and he knows that is one of my oldest fondest memories as a kid of my first time in California with Mom.
I slam back that margarita in a few crazy wild eyed gulps, and try to collect myself from what happened. I eat one of the tastiest meals of my life and devour one of my favorite special occasion desserts.
And the last fried ice cream of my life.
I go home and tell the roommate and Tish what happened as I am both rejuvenated with energy from Heaven and still exhausted from human life.
Tuesday, May 30th and I am not making enough money, and I can not afford to go to as many conventions or events as I would like to cover for the down the road show.
I am getting an energy drink at the chevron on the corner of Rockfield and Lake Forest, and am going to get back in the suv. Then I see a vehicle stall turning left from Lake Forest on Rockfield in the middle of the intersection.
I toss my drinks in the car and hit the car lock buttons while running into the intersection. I get behind the suv and start pushing.
I am met there by 4 other gentlemen, and we push the dead truck all the way into the gas station and right into the empty parking spot right next to my suv.
The lady got out and thanked us all and I took a selfie of the good deeders.
Everyone went their separate ways having done a great deed.
I get in my suv and open my drink and roll down the windows. Now I can see the panic setting in on her.
So I get out of my vehicle and go over to check on her.
She is out of gas, and no cash. She was just at the shell gas station across the street to try and fill up, but her cards were declined for some reason.
She was in a bad situation, and was a mother that needed to get home to her kids.
So I called AAA with my card, and had them come out and use my emergency gas option for her vehicle to make sure she made it the rest the way home.
She was sobbing and grateful for the help, and I went about my day doing whatever I was doing.
A week later I am driving on the 5 Northbound freeway on my way to newport church and my engine dies a few exits away from home.
I called AAA, and had to pay for a tow; because I had used my last emergency tow or anything with them.
Worth it.
Paid for the tow to my new auto mechanic shop, and had Tisha come pick me up.
The engine would be $1500 to fix and that was not money I could afford, because I wasn’t making much money at skyloft in Laguna Beach.
This was the same thing that my engine did almost a year ago to the day.
Sunday, June 18th was Father’s Day and something is seriously wrong with my dog Tiberius.
I had been so consumed with myself I had not even noticed how little he was eating again while Tish had been away.
His coat was dull and had lost its shine. His skin did not look pink and healthy. He was turning green and pale, and his energy was fading. He was also in pain and suffering, but I had completely missed it. My poor Angel. I failed him.
Monday morning, June 19th and I took Tiberius to see Doctor Wheaton for the last time.
Doctor knew how much I love that dog and gave it to me straight forward. Told me how much he was suffering and in pain. Told me I had 3 options. 2 different tests for his liver with two different sized needles to see if he could be saved.
The small takes a bunch of small samples and is less reliable, and the bigger needle is more reliable for finding out fast; but either could harm his failing liver and kill him waiting for results.
Or I could put him down and stop his misery. So I took Tiberius home and asked him what he wanted me to do. He could not have been clearer with his intentions and wishes to me. He could barely lift his head and that was the only time he made eye contact with me that day.
So we called a service that comes to your home and safely injects them while you get to hold them and say your last goodbyes. It was the best way to do it and the most closure I have ever got putting down a furry family member.
Batt and his now amazing wife Alysia came down to pay their respects, and be there as well with Tiberius, Tish, and I. Batt is his dog father after all, and he loves Batt.
With all that was happening then I am still crying now for my dog and not what was about to happen next.
I reached out again even though Hayley was ghosting me, and told her I needed her and needed a hug.
I knew she was probably watching my facebook posts and already knew about Tiberius. She was sympathetic and empathetic of course and said yes.
I had been up for 48 hours now, and even Harley kitty was so concerned for Tiberius that neither of us slept a wink on Sunday night. I was too afraid to wake up with him dead, and he did not sleep either as he was up and in pain all night. My poor Angel.
So I smoked a lot of pot and had a rum and coke. Sleep came easy that night with the total mind, body, and soul exhaustion that I was experiencing the last few months.
And I was at my breaking point.
Tuesday, June 20th I went to get that hug from her at her work, and so grateful she gave me the time out of her very busy schedule.
I was all too aware of time, the synchronicity in my life, and did not want to waste any more time being stagnant with her. Not after yesterday and all I had been through trying to become a man worthy of a future with her.
And GOD didn’t say no now that the darkness was purged.
So I told her I didn’t want to waste another day or single moment with her anymore. I pulled out of my pocket the gift I had been holding onto.
Exactly 8 years ago to the very day I was in Tonga with the family shopping in the market.
We had all just bought hooks from one vendor and I had ordered my custom Tongan drum from my extended family, it turned out.
I came across the most stunning Black Pearl dangling earrings and I heard my Dad’s voice in my ear, “Buy those for your Wife.” Tisha and Tina agreed I should get them.
They were plain and unassuming, but beautiful and stunning at the same time. They were perfect for Hayley who I had just had drinks with at Boscoe’s the night before we left on that trip.
8 years later with tears in my eyes and a trembling voice, scared of rejection tripping over my words, I gave her this gift from my heart.
And in doing so fully gave her my heart too.
As I am driving out of the parking lot she sends me a text with the only picture she ever sent me. She was in her car too, and wearing the earrings already.
They looked perfect on her. Her bright eyes were lit up and she had something special hiding behind that smile I loved. Felt like that smile was only for me and full of love. Finally.
She invites me out for a night of wine with her friends at a house she is currently watching for another friend. Of course I am in and in love with her, and could use all the distractions I can get from my dog.
Plus her lesbian friend group is super fun and I love hanging out with them. They even invited me to hang out with them at the upcoming PRIDE parade in San Diego, and I was excited since I had never been or been invited to support the community by anyone personally.
And I can see she is still wearing the earrings all day in her social media posts, and still wearing them with that smile when I arrive that night.
We drink and talk and get drunker and drunker. As usual people need to purge their life stories on me and need advice from a Godly source. They have no idea why they trust me, they just do.
And GOD works through me constantly.
I catch her watching me with that smile and she turns away. She leaves to the store with her friend to restock up on wine, because it is flowing tonight. They come back with hard alcohol and more wine. Things are about to get turnt up!
We are making more drinks with the refrigerator door in-between us, and that is the only thing keeping us apart as she leans really close to me. I want to kiss her so badly, but not like this.
This can’t be our first kiss.
Not here.
Not like this.
Not this drunk.
“I’m not scared of you.” I warned her.
“You better not be.” She fired back.
Drinks flow more and they get stiffer pours. We are all seasoned drinkers and restaurant workers that can handle our buzz, but I am being cautious after my last drunken drive home hanging with her and want to remain lucid enough to remember every moment.
Plus I am grieving and do not want to get out of control having just purged all that darkness.
They all got wasted except for Jasmine. I could see one of her friends had other motives as everyone wanted her. Everyone.
It was time to end the night and a baby photo was produced on a cell phone. She immediately started sobbing uncontrollably and buried her face into my chest, and I wrapped her in my arms like we were finally one and home.
“I want nuggets!” She exclaims into my soul. Her friend trying to get laid looks at me confused and shrugged her shoulders to suggest so.
I lean close to her ear and whisper, “We can have all the nuggets you want.”
She cries more and even harder after that. These two ladies are standing here drunk and watching this so confused on what is happening.
I am pretty sure I know what is happening when she kisses my neck and whispers back, “Stay.”
Which was everything I have ever wanted to hear; but not now and not tonight, and not like this.
The kiss on the neck set off one of my favorite erotic zones too; and with the alcohol in me I had to release her immediately, because as I was getting aroused to the point it would not be hidden in a few seconds from the prying eyes of two women also interested in her.
So I pushed away real fast so that I didn’t end up looking like a pervert trying to get laid, and take advantage of a drunk woman. This was also the height of the #MeToo movement of outing guys.
Which I fully support and still do. Victims become repeat victims and stay victims because nobody listens to them.
And I didn’t want to victimize the Woman I wanted to marry and have kids with.
So I left and walked the other lady to her car. Knowing fully well that Laura would get exactly what she was after that night with her lustful eyes.
But what could I do about it?
Hayley was just starting to trust me again in her life and finally dropped all her walls tonight. I didn’t want to mess that up.
Wednesday, June 21st and I text her to feel things out and see what she remembers from last night.
She is very hung over like I knew she would be. Doesn’t seem to recall last night clearly. I offer to bring her anything if needed for her hangover, and vow to destroy the street cleaner that woke her up too.
Thursday, June 22nd and I thank her for bringing me back to Jesus. Which, I meant, but at the same time knew I did not mean.
But that is the stupid shit I have to say to humans because GOD is and has always been with me.
I let her know I might not be able to make it to the PRIDE parade, because that was early in the night to test her memory.
She did not remember them inviting me, and panicked acting like I was inviting myself and wanted to crash in the hotel all weekend for the full PRIDE weekend experience. Which was not the case at all or how it happened with her friends after helping them with their love life issues all night.
So I went ahead and uninvited myself as things were awkward with that text message conversation. She didn’t remember it that way anyway.
She probably didn’t remember the rest, and now reality is setting in on me. She was blacked out drunk and won’t ever remember kissing my neck or what she said or how she made me feel or dropping her walls and letting me see her truth finally.
Saturday, June 24th and I text her to let her know I will definitely be at the night time worship tomorrow, because I will be at a Scottish festival in the morning with my Mom and Tisha in San Diego. Church is in the Newport area not far from the freeway.
Sunday, June 25th and since we are having car issues we ride to San Diego with Tisha’s friend Lisa. Lisa lets her psychotic asshole boyfriend drive, and I get to the festival mad as hell and having a small panic attack from his horrible driving.
So I proceed to drink some beer to wash away that drive and celebrate my ancestry.
We had a good-ish day, but had to ride back with them.
And that took too long getting them out of there and then Lisa drove home and she drove slowly.
Now I am sweaty, drunk and annoyed; and running late when I told her I would be at night church only.
I shower as fast as I can and break every law on the road, and even run a few red lights to get to church night service.
I had only ever been to the night service that one time with her, and had been going to the early morning sessions only. So I didn’t even know what time church was in the first place.
“No Church?” is the text I see pulling into the parking lot as the church is letting out.
I missed it and broke my promise. I have never promised to be somewhere for her unless I knew I could be there, and this was crushing.
Her and Jasmine were coming towards me in the parking lot and Jasmine, such an amazing person, deflected people for privacy letting them know they would not be going out to the usual meet up after church this week.
Hayley’s face told me everything I needed to know. So I begged for one quick minute of her time.
I gave her 2 bars of soap I bought from the cutest Scottish couple that morning, because I love to support small businesses at every event and thought that some really amazing all natural soaps could transport Hayley while showering during house hopping amongst friends.
Her place was under renovations, and I spent a year in Utah couch crashing and borrowing friend's showers. So I get it and thought the soap would be cool as I bought myself 2 different Arcana soaps for myself.
Great soaps from a cute sweet Scottish couple out of Las Vegas, Nevada.
To which she didn’t want, because I can’t buy her love or forgiveness.
I go home and start to text her the full truth about my death in the car accident and my entire life with Jesus.
“She is not ready.” GOD warned me.
“I think she is and I am gonna lose her if I don’t tell her the truth!”, I scream at my bedroom ceiling pissed off that Christ is so clear now, but when I am translating his words for months it takes so much work.
But this is so clear?
“She is not ready.” GOD warned me again.
I have free will like any of GOD’s creations, and so I used that free will going against GOD’s clear warning.
Even though I know GOD knows better I am gonna test my free will, and push the boundaries of my multiverse.
I began texting and after many many many long winded text messages that night I finally knelt by my bed at 2am to pray to GOD.
After I went directly against his warning and totally gave him the wheel to drive last month.
I am a back seat driver after all and wanted to take a short cut, because I know her better than GOD right?
I purge my truth on her the way everyone has purged theirs on me my whole life. Spilling everything.
I should have been scared to tell her things I have waited to tell someone my whole life, and things I wanted to tell her for 8 years.
But I was not, and was embolden and empowered by what I felt was our destiny aligned in the stars by GOD far before I knew it.
She was not ready, and I was an idiot.
Who is ready for that?
No one!
I was mental and emotionally exhausted. I smoked and drank to go to bed.
That night in my sleep I was called back to Heaven.
I was met by GOD and introduced to Tiberius in Angel form. It was a beautiful moment and we shared energy and love. It calmed me in many ways and also invigorated my Angelic soul.
Monday, June 26th I wake up and start annoying that poor woman with texts again exclaiming my love and our divine destiny.
She was probably pretty much already over my shit by that point, and I am feeling vigilant in my assumptions. I attempted to humble myself to her like I had for GOD, but this was ego and arrogance by me and me alone.
GOD was not behind this and did not approve.
I told her about the darkness I absorbed after that night, and that Jesus told me to go celibate after our date night. I assumed because I was not good enough for her. I told her everything and told her too much.
“Dude, too much.” She said when she had enough.
But Tuesday, June 27th I did not let up until she had definitely had enough and I sufficiently made myself sound like an obsessed unstable psychopath. Oh wow do I see that now. That is why GOD has foresight and my dumb ass is always catching up in hind sight.
And all while now putting down Harley today my Mom’s 17 year old cat that I got her for Christmas 1999. He was a good Angel companion for her.
After 2 days and one long night of my texts she finally replied.
“I’m not sure what power you think you hold to turn me away from Jesus. Something big is happening and the church is a wonderful place that I obviously think people should be plugged into-
This place where you are relationship though is not ok with me. I've thought about what you said and I don't feel the same way. I know this has been an ongoing thing for you and I'm sorry, but if it was meant to be it would feel right for me too and would be lead by the Holy Spirit . But it's not.
I know you have had quite the journey yourself and seems like the darkness you carry for others might be time to give that to God and move on”, She texted me.
Well that hurts. I thought coming out of my Jesus closet to her would be right, but GOD was I wrong.
And apparently need to find GOD and can’t take her away from Jesus with my power. Okay?
Like I said with hindsight I looked and sounded like every guy I would warn women to stay away from.
But I wasn’t about to stop going to church and I had been volunteering there.
Thursday early morning, June 28th I woke up to the worst pain of my life.
It felt like GOD had a foot on my back between my shoulder blades, and was holding me down.
Then suddenly I felt this sharp tearing pain in my back.
Like my right wing is being ripped off and detaching my soul from the timeline I had just damaged.
Then the left wing gets ripped off completely destroying the future timeline GOD had shown me for this life.
I am in a different part of the multiverse now, and have nobody to blame but my own ignorant arrogance.
This is why I warn people about time travel and humanity's constant need to control every situation. I am no different with free will, and my choices change major events in the cosmos and multiverse.
Thursday, July 20th I arrived at the hotel.
The hotel address that Penny gave me and is not even close to the San Diego convention center for comic-con as promised, and I had made these arrangements for Batt and Alysia too. They were on their way, and I needed to find out what the hell was going on.
I get up to the smallest room I have stayed in at any hotel ever with one bed.
We all chipped in for a suite with multiple beds and rooms right next to the con, but the guy they usually helped lost his booth privileges that weekend as well as the nice hotel upgrades we pre-paid for.
Batt and Alysia arrive to see us crammed in this little room and rightfully upset they went and stayed with her sister just outside of town.
They never got their money back from that either, and that was the end of our Penny friendship. She ripped them off in the most blatant and cowardly ways.
I had no other choices and blew up my mattress that barely fit between the wall and the foot of the bed.
This was about to be my worst comic-con hotel experience, and I can not say I had a good one other than that time Batt and I stayed all the way out by SeaWorld.
And that got way too expensive with cab rides.
An 18 year old girl was sent to Penny for help. She flew into San Diego to help that same disgusting pervert with his booth, but when she wouldn’t have sex with him he kicked her out into the big city streets.
After hearing the whole story it is decided she can share my mattress. I think I am a gentleman and have no issues with that.
She is kneeling on the bed next to me explaining that she goes into convulsion like a seizure when she is stressed out and having panic attacks. As she is taking off her necklace she has one right that second and falls forward having an attack, and I barely caught her right before her face hit the window seal.
She comes to so scared and thoroughly apologizes; but she just left a sexual predator, that was arrested later for child pornography, and is about to share a blow up mattress with a 40 year old stranger.
She has every right to be freaking out right now this poor girl from Iowa or Indiana or one of them middle America states. I feel even worse for not remembering her name, but me and names.
The next attack woke me up out of a sleep as I got smacked in the face by her flailing out of control arms. I grabbed her and hugged her to protect her from herself, and me too really.
She came and thanked me. I was deeply concerned for this poor girl now. These are very violent and she could actually hurt herself.
She cuddles me and uses my chest as a pillow, but wakes up another hour later with her arms flailing about again and hitting the foot of the bed. I grab her again before she breaks her arms.
As the night went on I could feel them coming and would brace for impact. I would refer to that night as a rodeo, and felt something pinch in my lower back.
The next morning we walked to comic-con together, and I figured I should show her the best way to the convention and back to the hotel that night. Since we were 10 blocks away up the hill. Then my phone rang.
Tisha was calling so I answered it. She would not be calling during comic-con if it was not super important. Then she began to tell me that Alyssa had tried to commit suicide that night. She was right to tell me and knew I would be angry finding out later.
She knew it would fuck up my weekend and it did, but it was the right call. Honest and now have always been the right call with me.
I wandered around aimlessly not enjoying myself and not promoting and not filming and not doing what I am usually there to do.
That poor girl did not come back to the hotel again that night. I don’t blame her one bit. What a horrible first comic-con for her. I never found out anything more about that.
Monday, July 31st and I am still driving my sister's car.
I am on my way to Skyloft through Laguna Canyon and I am blaring rock and roll. I am singing at the top of my lungs.
I am emoting and releasing.
This has been my thing for venting and healing my entire life.
Singing.
Singing every day in joy and sorrow.
Singing in all things and using GOD’s gift to me.
Then my right jaw popped and the pain hurt so bad that I jerked the steering wheel to the right and almost crashed her car.
That would have left us both without transportation, and luckily she works from home; but with California public transportation I would have been screwed.
Jesus took the wheel in time on that one again. I made it to work wondering what just happened to me for the first time in my 42 years of life.
I continued going to the early Morning service, and attend their other events when available.
During one worship I was sitting in the very back last row, and the Woman Pastor said she was feeling prompted by Jesus.
"Please bow your heads and close your eyes. This is so nobody feels embarrassed and can be honest." She encouraged the congregation.
"Is there someone out there today that feels the calling to the clergy and wants to start their own church? Just raise your hand for me to see." She asks after everyone bows their head and closes their eyes.
She is looking around the dimly lit room, and I know because I never closed my eyes or bowed my head. I was observing the room too, and no hands went up.
She goes from the left room scanning each row, then to the middle section scanning the rows, and then to the left section scanning the rows from front to back and as she is getting to me I raise my hand and make direct eye contact with her.
GOD wanted me to start the true church.
And I thought Hayley would build it with me.
Sometime in August I am doing my morning push ups in the garage.
I am finally starting to look and feel attractive for the first time in a very long time. I can see a six pack showing up on my stomach and can finally do pull ups. It took a lot of consistent work to get to this point and pull ups are hard.
I am getting in great shape and it started the week of Easter when Hayley mentioned maybe a pool after church, and I did not want her to see me shirtless.
Then I felt something pinch in my neck, and fell to the concrete in pain. I thought this was the beginning of the pain, but I had been using Daylene’s salve all year in ways I can not afford to do now.
But I had ended that business arrangement when she showed her true colors like people do.
Looking back the pain was already there and now I just officially pinched a nerve in my neck that would get progressively worse.
But I sucked up the pain like men are told to do and went about my life.
Stressed out with her ghosting me at church and trying to figure out if I am supposed to even be at a christian church still or start my own.
GOD was unusually silent all of a sudden. GOD hasn’t shut the fuck up all year. So now I am stressed out spiritually too.
Which made me double down at church and start going to all 3 services on Sunday. The 2 morning and the night service. I was helping at the motherboard with sound, and using my GOD given musical gifts in a setting GOD sent me too.
All while singing worship songs all day long that I never thought I would be singing. This went on all summer and fall long as the pain grew and got worse in my jaw and neck.
But somewhere in September I started getting lock jaw.
This was extremely painful and terrifying. The pain in my lower back was getting worse too.
Work was becoming difficult, and my patience was at an all time low. Which was already too thin and has always been something I knew I had to practice and work on.
Tisha, Batt, and I with my new puppy were going out to Arizona to see Alyssa, Dylan, and their dogs. Things had been difficult for them and they needed family support, but I was an emotional wreck and in all kinds of physical pain.
So one day after church service I felt like asking the pastor for a prayer after church. I didn’t want the show in front of the congregation with all the hands on me and surrounding me. Too much touching.
I asked the Aussie for strength around my Niece, and to be emotionally strong for my family in their time of need.
He reached out with his right hand and put it on my left shoulder, and we stood there facing each other and closed our eyes.
Then I was overwhelmed with GOD’s love and Heaven’s energy.
And I felt Dad put his right hand on my right shoulder standing behind me.
And his Dad put his right hand on Dad’s right shoulder standing behind him.
And his Son, my Uncle Larry, put his right hand on Grandpa Glen Murdock’s right shoulder standing behind him.
And Tisha’s Son, my Nephew David named after my Dad, put his right hand on Uncle Larry’s shoulder standing behind him.
And I felt countless Cousins' energies join the line one by one.
And more ancestors joined the line.
And I was surrounded by Angels.
And this unassuming man from Australia prayed for an Angel hiding in his small Newport church.
We visited my Niece and Nephew and had a fun weekend.
While there my ears were flaring up with pain and getting red. I had taken out my metal earrings and put in plastic plugs, but didn’t have the stoppers for them.
One had fallen out while I was sleeping and both ears looked agitated. So I took the one out and put it in the other ear, and we went about our day.
As usual I was driving, and while at a stop light I was looking in the rearview mirror.
And to my surprise I watched that plug just get squeezed out of my ear, and pop out.
I figured I would find replacements at a tattoo shop or somewhere tomorrow, but both ear holes, of 20 plus years, closed up overnight completely. It was so weird.
Had a great visit trip with family.
Sunday, September 3rd I stayed home from church.
GOD had impressed upon me not to go to church that week, and I was surprised since that is my rebirth day.
And the day I was called into action to serve.
So I figured I would stay home and watch the church’s live stream service to come back with suggestions. The live stream needed a lot of help and I had a bunch of ideas to make it I quality production that would bring in more online worshippers.
Plus I could use a break from the stress of being there, and being both liked by people and being an outcast at the same time.
But then I saw her post that it was the year anniversary of her finding Jesus, and knew that the break was for her.
Which was just more of the universal timing, and GOD showing how I fucked up.
Since then, I had been so busy working all summer and training all their new servers. I had somehow become a full time employee at the restaurant.
This meant for the first time in 20 year of restaurant work, other than when I managed BD’s Mongolian BBQ, that I got actual insurance like the rest of hard working americans.
The timing was perfect as my pain was beyond me and irritating me beyond my control.
One night on the upstairs deck I was having a particularly painful night. I had been arguing with security for weeks for not doing their jobs properly, and the management was out of town trying to scout a new location for New York expansion.
I was over asking for a management position now since I wasn’t getting married and lost her.
Some drunk white privileged punk 22 year old that was taking up my biggest table with their friends on another night I was somehow getting screwed out of money in a place promising me everything, and he kept getting in my way and my favorite waitress weed smoking partner Alex.
That I was too broken-hearted to attempt to ask out on a date. Felt like that would have been unfair to her and using her; but it felt like we had great chemistry together and could have used at least a friend then.
So I walked right through him. I mean I walked purposely into him and through my right shoulder forcefully into his left shoulder as I angrily walked past him.
He had not listened to any of my polite inquiries about him kindly getting the fuck out of our way so we could do our jobs.
“You want to go bro?” he squared up.
“Yes I fucking do!”, and as I raised my fists security finally steps in to do their jobs, and it is to protect this kid from me. As they should cause I was ready to throw him off the side of the building I was raging out of control.
Sitting in the office fuming the confused management gave me a choice to quit and save face or I could fight it and be fired.
But the high definition footage of the patio was very clear that night, and this place had broken every promise to me, broken my body, and my spirit was now broken all the way around too.
The next day I call and make a Doctor’s appointment before I lose my new insurance.
I should have had a doctor to see all year long and a therapist with nationalized free healthcare for all, but this stupid fucking country and their capitalist bullshit beliefs doesn't think it is humanly possible.
But it is.
I go there and tell him what has been happening with my neck, back, and especially the lock jaw. He does not run any blood work or send to have any done. He does zero tests of any kind whatsoever.
He tells me I have TMJ and need to stop stressing out.
That simple?
So I go home and do a deep internet dive into Temporomandibular Jaw Syndrome, and this has to be the right diagnosis. So I start evaluating my life and stress.
What could be stressing me out this year?
Then I figured out that the worst TMJ days with the worst lockjaw was on Sunday’s. It must be the stress of being ghosted by her I thought, and blamed her wrongly in my mind.
Our dog Bazinga hurries up to me, stressing out, and shoves her nose against my forehead to calm me down, and to warn me that I was about to have a freak out in my jaws and neck.
She was right and knew it was coming on before I did. She helped calm and relax me preventing lock jaw for the first time.
She is a great service dog that was not trained for that. It was just her natural doggy Angel instincts.
She may have been ghosting me and that didn't help my stress levels, but my body was starting to fall apart and I didn't know it.
Sunday, October 1st and I text her “New day. New Month. Can we start anew?” or something like that.
She agrees to see me at church with the supervision of Jeff. The bearded junior pastor that shocked me my first time there. I had grown fond of him as a person, and that was very agreeable.
We met in his office one night and that poor man had no idea what he was in for as a mediator. I didn’t know what I was in for either, but had gone in there with a plan and mapped out so many versions of that conversation.
Jeff started with a prayer. Then he gave us the room and GOD was back after a summer of silence.
I was suddenly overcome with the strong feeling to drop everything I thought I knew and ask one question I was not going in there to ask.
“Did something happen that night I slept with you 8 years ago?” I was deeply terrified of the answer. Why was GOD making me ask this?
“Yes, you were very handsy and inappropriately touched me all night.” she cried revealing that I was her #MeToo story.
I was now apart of the very social thing I was publicly screaming about, because of being a victim of child abuse that one time.
Suddenly my world came crashing in and my mind was flooded with memories of every girlfriend and relationship from my past. Nothing I went in there to say mattered anymore.
I was an abuser and she was my victim. I was the statistic I had tried to avoid my entire life. Most male victims of child molestestion become sex offenders statistically and I knew it.
And then I realized out loud in front of both of them some past incidents that my Girlfriends told me about.
Waking up having sex. Thinking my girlfriends started it when it was me.
Their confusion on why I was so handsy and passionate in my sleep, and then they would have to instigate sex while I was awake.
Everything became clearer in that moment and I felt like the worst person alive. I felt human and like shit.
Then the girl from this summer at comic-con popped into my mind.
My dear GOD. I started to sob in front of Hayley and Jeff.
And in my mind I was falling apart further.
Did I touch that poor girl too at comic-con?
Did I make her another victim?
How many victims do I really have?
How many Women have I touched without their permission while out of it or asleep?
Now I will have to warn anyone I want to date before we get close.
The meeting went for 45 minutes, and my entire focus was no longer there at the moment and I was not entirely present for what I went there for anymore.
And that is so unfair to Hayley.
But now I was worried about Christy too.
Knowing how many drunken nights we shared a bed, and I thought I was a gentleman. I thought about having kids with Christy and making a family with her before Hayley came along.
But Christy and I could never seem to get our timing right and be honest about our feelings for each other.
We ended the mediator session with a prayer, and I left in my shame not returning to that church.
No longer helping with chair set up and take down, or being the grill master for the staff before Sunday night services that I was enjoying a lot. I am here for the food.
We parted our separate ways no longer even friends, and in 2018 I would send one last sorry text to Hayley.
I have never been more sorry about anything in this lifetime and timeline of this multiverse.
I hope she does not hate me and wears the pearls, but I doubt that.
And I really stopped drinking alcohol after that.
Alcohol is poison and toxin that our body rejects.

Chapter 13 - 2018 AD

January and February of 2018 and I have been driving for Lyft to make money.
“You shall not work for anyone else, but GOD until you finish the book.” GOD would tell me, but still put me to work in my situation.
This has been a great adventure and for 2 weeks straight GOD has worked through me.
Every other ride has been a soul in need. Each with their own struggles and stories to purge.
Each with their own set of circumstances and why I got there just in time. Usually after other drivers canceled rides on them and they were feeling desperate.
I was studying hard as well to take the California Life Insurance test that I failed the first time by 2 questions. I was not liking it and questioning why I was doing this.
To grow up and get a so called real job for who and why again?
Either way you can’t survive on tips alone forever in this greedy stingy country.
Got to see all kinds of parts of Southern California I had not seen before, and have always loved driving. The purging stories and radio kept me constantly entertained, but the money was not lucrative.
Everyone deserves to share their story and have someone listen empathetically.
That is one of my gifts.
Letting them purge.
Letting them tell their story.
Even if they don't understand why.
Lyft had a scam going to get you to busy areas for extra money, but those areas would suddenly not be extra money or busy when you picked up a ride. Screwed everyone out of their fake sign up bonuses basically.
Picked up a Vietnam Veteran missing a leg, and he had 6 rides cancel on him before I got there. Most likely cause it was a very short ride to the VA Hospital and they are to lazy and uncaring to help someone with a wheelchair.
Having recently taken a few Lyfts in a wheelchair it was not a pleasant experience. Can not believe these heartless bastards expected me to pick up my own wheelchair.
I am in a wheelchair, because I can not stand or lift things let alone my own body now. I am just barely making it from the bed to the wheelchair to the toilet as it is now typing this on my computer.
The Veterans are already forgotten about by this government and our society as it is, and he was super grateful for my help.
I turned off my Lyft app and waited for his Doctor visit to end and gave him a free ride home.
I gave out a few free second rides to too many people in desperate need of help. So many people are in need.
GOD puts me in places of need.
Like the time I was driving home from the Phoenix comic con back to California, and it was so hot it cracked my windshield and melted the glue on the side of my truck that the wind was ripping off.
So I stopped at a rest stop on the side of the 10 freeway to just rip it all the way off, because the noise was getting to me.
I park next to a young first time Mother driving home to Los Angeles, and she had locked her baby in the car with her cell phone and car keys.
Thank GOD the car was running with air conditioning going so the baby was fine the entire time. Mom was in a rightful panic however.
I call the emergency 911 emergency phone number for the COPS, Fire Department, and EMS to come help the baby and Mom just in case.
Then contemplate whether to bash in a window for immediate access. To which the Mom is all about, but GOD was with me as always and kept me calm helping me keep her as calm as possible until help arrived.
Help arrived and was in her car within 2 minutes like professional heroes.
We hugged and I got to meet the precious little one before continuing on my way back to Orange County, and they went their happy way to Los Angeles.
One specific Lyft ride has never left my mind though, and I still feel the Lord’s anger over this one.
I am driving through this trailer park in Newport Beach and after passing my ride and not seeing her she called me.
“Hello, I’m K.C. and I’m your driver. I can’t seem to find you. Which one of these trailers are you in?”, I asked her.
“I can see your headlights below me. I am up here at the church to your right. I am not in that neighborhood.”, she instructed me.
I looked out the windshield and there was a church looming over this neighborhood that is the poor part of this town.
St. Mark Presbyterian Church
2200 San Joaquin Hills Rd, Newport Beach, CA 92660
Feel free to go tell that preacher and their congregation on behalf of GOD what horrible people they are. Picket their church, but no violence.
I pull into the parking lot and unlock the doors, and she hurries into the seat behind me, “Get me the fuck out of here!”
I hit the gas and she begins to tell me about her Ex-Husband that showed up drunk to her home an hour ago, and started beating her and swore to rape and kill her. She had fought him off and ran to this church for safety.
It was a Thursday night and the church was having some Women’s group meeting thing, and their Pastor kicked her out of the building.
She was crying and pleading for safety and help from these ‘good christian’ Women that turned her away. Then the pastor, their leader, did the same when she turned to him last begging not to be thrown out in the street where her attacker might find her and kill her.
All she had was her phone, and not her wallet or anything else. She didn’t know where to go or what to do. So
So I asked if she had a friend close by that she could stay the night with, and she called her best friend.
I drove her to her friend's apartment in another part of town, and turned everything off on the Lyft app, and waited with her for her friend to get home.
It took everything in me not to drive back to that church that night and every Sunday or whatever day those satan worship fucks get together, and condemn the whole fucking congregation in the middle of their fake ass worship service. Followers of Christ my fucking ass!!!
“Finish the book and finish your duties to me.” GOD said again while I was out driving a few days later.
More and more people that were in needy and desperate situations for 2 weeks straight ended up in my vehicle.
Jesus took the wheel and delivered a lot of people in need to their destinations with some good tunes and the empathic ear of one of Heaven's oldest Angels.
Then one day I picked up two lady pastors from a christian convention at the Anaheim convention center, and drove them to their hotel in Newport to drop them off.
So we had a ride to talk, and after feeling churchy last year and the recent church I wanted to personally burn down with my own two hands incide. I wanted to test the waters so to speak and use my Angelic fury.
So I told them about my car accident and meeting Jesus. Nothing about who I truly am.
And finish with usual divine timing as I pull into the drop off zone for their hotel.
“Can we pray for you?”, asks the one to the right. “Yes, please.” says the one on the left.
“Sure, go ahead.” I said nonchalantly. Knowing their prayers will do nothing and will mean even less.
They both said an individual prayer one after the other with their evil hands on my shoulder. It was something out of a horror movie.
And you should have heard the audacity and pride of these little arrogant humans.
The words out of their mouths were an offense to GOD.
Then they gave their “promises” that their prayers and the power of their faith alone would fix and heal that which their own GOD, Jesus Christ and Lord Savior, did not do on his own.
Not even joking. They both said that kinda stuff. As well as all the other useless phrases they teach at their bible colleges and bible indoctrination encoded brainwashing schools of lies and falsehoods.
That means nothing to GOD, and makes me fucking laugh inside every time. If they only knew the truth, but they would deny the truth too anyway; and will deny this truth in this book as they always do.
At this time I was pushing my body to the max with my arthritis getting worse and the pinched nerves in my lower back from the slipping disks and the neck that I was unaware of yet.
And still confused why I couldn’t get this insurance stuff down.
I knew my thinker had lost a few steps over the last few years, and my learning curve was bad. My brain was not what it was just 3 years ago.
I was used to my right leg cramping up during long drives. Especially when I was driving since the accident, but I was losing the feeling in my right foot now after 3 hours of driving passengers around California.
My body was telling me to stop and get off the road, and so was GOD, “Finish the book. You work for me.”
A week after those wicked pastors my truck broke down at the LAX airport and it is already one of my least favorite airports as a traveler; but I hate it even more doing Lyft as a driver. I pull up to the drop off zone and put it in park, and then I jump out to help her with her luggage.
But when I went to leave my truck wouldn’t go out of park, and I had to have it towed to a local shop on a Saturday that couldn’t get to it right away. I was off the road.
After getting it back from the mechanic I could not afford we got it home to Orange County, and Batt came over and fixed it for me replacing a simple cable for $20 versus the $2000 the mechanic shop wanted to charge me. I was barely making gas money to keep driving.
I get back on the road, but I am only driving 3 hours a day or else I become a danger to everyone on the road. Me, my passengers, and every other driver or pedestrians out there, and I even tried driving with my left foot. That was worse! So much worse.
And 5 days later I think?
I am driving southbound on the I-5 freeway about to hit Irvine and 5 exits away from mine when I have an arthritis flare up, and in both hands at the same time.
Both hands filled with excruciating pain at once, and blended and twisted with fingers crossing violently and uncontrollably. Then they curled in at the wrists, and felt like they would break in half trying to touch my forearms.
The pain shot down my arms to the elbows, and the car swerved on the freeway doing 65 just trying to make it home.
I lean forward and steer the truck with my elbows, and my searingly painful useless hands & wrists dangling in my face like something out of a hilarious comedy sketch.
I should be freaking the fuck out right now and am scared for sure, but I am calm. That GOD of mine.
This goes on for a few miles as I successfully miss several other vehicles narrowly to get over a few lanes, and my hands slowly come back to me as my exit finally arrives.
That was my last day driving for Lyft.
“Finish the book.”, GOD said as I pulled into my driveway.
Instead I studied harder and passed the life insurance test the second time, and went to train at a company not worth mentioning.
I was out of there in less than a week. After 20 years of training people it was the worst training program I have ever seen and laughable.
But Batt had also taught me too much watching him create my logos, and theirs was also horrible as well as their graphics and training videos.
Their overall production did not install confidence in me, and I could create so much better than them.
So with all their money and decades of fortune 500 big industry business that was their best. Nope I won’t work there.
Instead I got a job with a small owner that brokered mostly for Nationwide and needed a life insurance sales agent to get better deals and recognition from Nationwide. The first few weeks were not that bad, but then like most people the owner showed his true colors.
He was a dick and verbally abusive to his employees, but not me. He never pulled that shit with me, and it was for several reasons besides the fact he needed me. He kept trying to get me to get other insurance licenses, but I saw through his bullshit and still wasn’t sure I wanted to be in insurance as a profession.
Just cause I can sell it doesn’t mean I want to, will, should, and turns out decided would NOT!
While in that office I learned how every single insurance works, and the business of insurance. Which SHOULD NOT EXIST!
All the laws are written to insure that the insurance companies make money, and are not allowed to insure humans that are a COST RISK.
Then when I found out that 60-70% of every insurance goes to paying someone and marketing I was definitely done. I already knew that advertising controlled the world in ways most consumers will never understand, but that is messed up.
You are even paying people on an online site. Those are built into the system no matter what, and denying claims and service needed for healthcare is good business. Not just good business, but required by law.
The pain in my neck and back grew worse sitting in an office chair, but he didn’t seem to care like all my employers in the past. The headaches were getting worse and more frequent. The jaw pain was getting worse, and it the lock jock was back again from all the phone calls I was making.
I was required to make 100 or more outbound calls a day, and to prove my point that his list was horrible and it wasn’t my skills as a salesman I made 400 calls in one day.
So he gave me 4 numbers out of his private cell phone that guaranteed me they would buy, and that anyone could sell to them.
They were all very mad at him for doing that and all my points were proven, and so I asked to work from home; but that could never happen. People working from home is madness?!
But I assured him it is a thing, and after calling some higher ups at Nationwide he reluctantly agreed.
Plus I had him in violation of our contract for many reasons, and no amount of lawyers or threats backed me down from that; because he wasn’t as smart as he thought he was and I love when people think I am a simple minded average or below average human.
He had no choice, but to give in and ask me why I didn’t want to work in the office. He was shocked by my blunt honesty about his abusiveness that I would not sit by and watch.
He had good people in there that were working hard and did not deserve his stress being unloaded on them; and all that I had witnessed with the change in atmosphere over a few months.
He told me I have a heros complex, but respected me standing my ground; because, “no one has ever talked to me like this before.”
As in being honest and open without being insulting or attacking or condemning.
Using a teaching moment from a compassion and empathy point of view to leave the place better than I found it. Hopefully.
Jesus! Wonder where the fuck I learned that? ha ha
I felt so good driving home from there and went back to the book.
My autobiography.
Wrong book, but at least I was writing my story as GOD commanded.
“Who would want to read about your life?”Mom's question to me would flash in my head often while writing.
Apparently GOD does?
“Your life is not your own.” GOD would remind me while writing, and before bed and late at night waking me up with more information from the other side. "Finish the book. Tell your story."
But who would read my story?
This was not the same as insomnia. This was not the same as nightmares growing up.
When GOD calls.
You are up.
There is no sleep.
There is no rest.
There is only the word of GOD.
There is only the service of GOD.
My life is not my own. I am an Angel with free will, and you specks of dust won’t comprehend.
So I start by writing about Hayley and Shalice since that is fresh, and go to my childhood taking notes.
Now I am adding to those notes, and this is the book GOD intended as he has from every prophet before. A journaling of life’s experiences in humanity.
I have never journaled, because I hated it and never saw the need. So writing an autobiography seemed like what the book GOD was asking me to write might be. I knew it had to be my story, but let’s just say I didn’t fully understand the Heavenly homework assignment.
“Share your story. You are my walking miracle. You are proof of my glory.” Do I need to keep telling you idiots who are in quotes at this point? Cause I am sick of it.
With all the new pains surmounting with the old ones I made another doctor’s appointment. I found a place around the corner from our place in Lake Forest and made an appointment for early September.
Things were hard for Tisha and I. Our roommates were not cooperating with rent or being very friendly, and had pushed the Murdock kindness beyond our breaking point.
I wasn’t working and hadn’t made much money since leaving the restaurant life, but nor could my body do it anymore.
I reached out to an old manager about getting into the manager game, but the shoulder check was a good out and I wasn’t getting back in. Nor did I really want to. It was always just easy work for me and came natural.
We could no longer afford our rent, because of my health.
This clinic was in a trailer in the parking lot of Saddleback church, and that felt like a good sign as they help the poor and immigrants a lot at this trailer. I am most definitely poor and needy now.
Get all my blood work done, X Rays, scans and go back to see the doctor for our follow up mid-September.
He wonders how I am doing with all that pain I must be in?
Not great!
He informs me that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, to which there is no known cure, and that it seems rather advanced for my 42 years of age.
He tells me I have 8 pinched nerves in my neck, and 6 pinched nerves in my lumbar (lower back to sacrum).
I tell him the back hurts worse between the two, and he is surprised and says my neck is actually worse in his opinion.
He refers me to a spinal surgeon specialist, physical therapist, and neurologist; and tells me to keep getting massages but be careful.
Because earlier that summer for Abby and Davey’s birthday party I couldn’t go in the pool.
When the water hit my lower back I started to lose control of my legs under the water.
They were shaking like I was freezing in the north pole, and then my entire back stiffened up when the cold went up my spine and hit my neck.
Then I lost control of my arms and hands like when I was walking, and I scurried back to the shallow end and out of the pool. I have not been in a pool since or any body of water, because I would drown.
I even had to warn Braysen while at the beach, but that kid is way smart and saw everything going on with his uncle.
He knew I wouldn’t be able to save him either if something bad happened, but I would die trying.
Then a few weeks after that I got up to go pee at 2 am, and my bedroom was on the bottom floor away from the rest of the house. The bathroom was right outside my door, and since it was so private I did not wear my robe.
I walked into the bathroom and through the door. The air conditioning hit the back of my neck and my entire body seized up on me again like in the pool, but worse as I fell forward.
My legs gave out and my back stiffened. My arms and hands became T-Rex useless again as I was falling forward towards the class shower door. I twisted myself to the left and semi catch myself on the shelf that goes over the toilet and the back of the toilet.
I slammed against everything, but not through the glass door and slide against it like a dead frozen sack of meat in between the toilet and shower on the floor.
And lay there freezing my ass off until the air conditioning turned off.
Guess who wore his robe every night after that?
Then a week later I was just going to bed. About to lay down and throw on 'The Princess Bride'. I sit down on the edge of the bed. I throw my legs up under the covers and toss my head back on the pillow laying down on my back with the movie playing.
Then I feel that pinch in my neck again, but not like it was before. This pinched harder and everything went wrong. I didn’t think I laid down too hard, but this will happen 7 more times in the future.
All of a sudden I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed. Not sleep paralysis with the shadow figures like so many friends see, but actual temporary paralyzation from the neck down. Wide awake just laying down.
Then my legs and arms start twitching and tossing like a freshly caught fish tossed on land and gasping for water.
I was in a panic and tried to sit up, but could not move and that seemed to make it worse. My arms started flailing about like that poor girl from comic-con, and my legs followed along with more intensity.
“Hold still. You will be fine. Or you will make it worse.” GOD clearly warned me.
So I laid still for 4 hours of not being able to move a single limb or even turn my neck before I finally fell asleep, and woke up unusually at the 8 hour mark with fully functioning limbs again.
This would also happen 6 separate times from the waste down losing control of my legs over the rest of the year.
Tina offered to take me without hesitation and was the only one who did when Tisha was moving to Arizona to help Alyssa and Dylan with their brand new family.
Or I would have been living out of my truck.
Two weeks after receiving that diagnosis from the only Doctor that seemed credible, to do a thorough job, I moved in with Tina.
I was excited to live with her again, but did not know that meant I would lose my insurance for the next 6 months; because San Diego county has different insurance than the rest of California.
How nice a free national healthcare would have been right then. The kind where all your medical records follow you around to every doctor and every visit with every note is easily accessible to all nurses and doctors.
But most likely it is different in San diego for some racist and bigoted beliefs being so close to Mexico, and how many Homeless flock there for the warm weather.
Poway was smaller than I liked, but the house she was renting was tucked up against a hill and the wildlife was all around us.
That was amazing and much needed at the time too. Especially since camping, hiking, beach days, and outdoor activities were about to come to an end for me.
Got some mormon missionaries to help us put stuff in storage, and get me settled into Tina’s.
Let one of the Polynesian guys play my Ukulele and made sure they were fed before making them question religion in general and their spirituality and what they think GOD really wants of them.
As I am always commanded to by GOD.
Mormons do not like their kids having questions and outside opinions no matter what kinda smoke they blow up each other’s asses.
Once in the house I immediately take over as much as the cooking as possible. These Women’s fucking diets in my family drive me nuts!
Tina has always been an amazing cook, but she is drinking again and that means she isn’t eating much.
But her couch was crazy uncomfortable for me no matter how many pillows I had under and around me.
So she bought me a recliner to “hang out and watch tv” with her more. Her literal words. Because we do enjoy our entertainment and have similar tastes.
But more than that we love each other and she needs my company.
Plus we love talking to each other. It is the painful migraine days and the painful days I can not sit out there with her that she drinks the heaviest.
So the recliner is a must for her mental, physical, and spiritual health; and for my physical health especially and so that I can be with her in the same physical room.
Only those self-proclaimed righteous have damned me and doubted my spiritual wealth and truth.
Dec 3rd and it is this physical earth birthday that almost killed Mom and me.
So I decided to take a bath bomb and epsom salt hot bath, and soak. I was taking 2 to 3 a week. They definitely helped with the lower back pain, and I was still enjoying a good hot tub or jacuzzi during the summer.
But this day my feet turned bright red, beyond pink, up past the ankles and half way up my calf.
They sting and hurt and burned.
I did not finish that bath.
That night they hurt and kept me awake.
They itched and burned.
They felt like ants were crawling all over them.
Maybe even fire ants on literal fire biting my flesh and crawling everywhere on fire.
Did I mention the fire and burning?
A few weeks later I would attempt another bath, but couldn’t even get my feet in the water.
And the next time I tried with room temperature water it was too cold for my back and everything froze up on me again.
I barely made it out of the tub before my T-Rex arms rendered me useless again.
We spent christmas together, and Mom came over for some good family time that couldn’t be ruined as usual.
Tina got me a chewbacca pajama onesie, and a unicorn one for her. We were so cute, and we did our best to give Mom lots of love and fill her need for attention.
But it is hard right now for both of us.
She was in bed passed out before the ball in New York City dropped for New Year’s Eve, and I stayed up to watch by myself.

Chapter 14 - 2019 AD

The beginning of 2019 was showing promise.
Finally got insurance in San Diego county in the Springtime, and got in fast to see my primary doctor.
Unfortunately, he admitted that he didn't' even know where to start with me.
So I told him where the last doctor had, but he informed me that the Neurologist had to give me the referrals to the other specialists and he could not according to how the insurance works.
Got my referral to a neurologist.
Richard Schumann and his office was at 16776 Bernardo Center Dr #209, San Diego CA 92128.
He was a big time dickhead, and did not believe I was in as much pain as I told him.
I even saw him stop taking notes during every set of symptoms I listed to him. The ones he asked me about and asked me to list. Every time he would stop taking notes.
He then said there was no way any of it was nerve damage issues, but refused to give me other referrals. I was angry about that knowing it is illegal to deny me those, and demanded them still.
He still refused to give them to me and set me up another appointment with him for tests.
He gave me a prescription for a neuropathy drug called 'Nortriptyline' for pain.
When I picked it up I took it home and read the side effects before ever taking one. To be aware of any changes in my body.
Side effects like: nausea, irregular heartbeat, seizures, difficulty swallowing, difficulty breathing, anxiety, weakness or tiredness, uncontrollable shaking of the body, slow or difficult speech, stiff muscles, vomiting, fever, agitation, low body temperature, and jaw, neck and back muscle spasms.
And I had them all and still do.
After 2 months I stopped taking it when one night in bed I had a heart attack, and stopped taking it immediately; but the big pharma damage was already done.
I went back for horribly painful shock treatment testing my nerve damage.
He said he was not concerned about any of it and that they would worry about when I start shitting and pissing on myself.
Then I told him about the tub and pink legs, and being paralyzed. He blamed that on sleep paralysis even though I clearly knew the difference and explained it to him calmly.
Then I told him I was losing feeling in my penis and couldn't feel my ejaculations any more, but he blamed that on my age at the time and offered prescriptions for erections pills. Which was opposite of the problem.
Nor was I at the age where that starts unless you have other health issues, and it doesn't just go in a few months like that either.
I left there so angry at him, and more stressed out from it.
Though, my pain was growing worse in the neck and the migraines from the jaw and neck were growing daily; but Tina was slowing down her drinking and I was getting more food in her.
I would do some grocery shopping during the day or for gardening tools for the Cannabis plant growing in my closet.
Tina would give me money to hit the dispensary for Medical Cannabis as needed, and was drowning in american debt without telling anyone.
Tina would talk to me about my health and it was so nice to be able to talk about it with an anesthesiologist, not just a nurse, and the smartest person I have ever met (book smart, not street) that should have been a Doctor to help more people.
She would prepare me mentally for what may come with my body next down the road with or without treatment from every clinical angle of the body's health and the body's different functioning systems.
We would talk at length about how worried she was about an airborne virus that would easily mutate over and over until it wiped out most of humanity.
One day she was at work and I had the worst pounding in the back of my skull. The worst migraine to that day, and I felt feverish and hot in the head at the same time. The pain was so unbearable that I was ready to die and thought I was going to die.
Or my head might explode like in a bad sci-fi movie.
I called the doctor's office and they told me to call the neurologist, because they are just doctors and nurses over there at a small clinic in a strip mall.
I call that fucker next and it goes to voicemail like it did a few weeks ago trying to get a follow up appointment, and now I think they are screening their calls on me.
So I call back and leave an irate message crying for help in fuck off miserable pain.
Tina came home feeling helpless to help me knowing how broken the healthcare system is that she has worked tirelessly for so long in.
I survived that day and night.
But had no idea he had retired and moved back to the East Coast.
National Healthcare could have prevented me from not knowing that, and the horrible fall out that would become of my health from this one asshole arrogant doctor.
We would watch 'Oak Island', 'Forged in Fire', and 'Impractical Jokers' over and over together for as long as I could manage to sit in the giant comfortable recliner she got me.
She would get blacked out drunk and not remember watching the shows or get through them the second, third, and even fifth times before passing out again.
But at least now I was getting dinner ready for her first.
I was having her text me before she left work. That way I had a plate ready to dish up when she walked in the door. I knew I had to catch her before she went back to her room.
I had to hand her a warm plate of ready food the second she walked in the garage door.
Or else she would go straight to her room and fill her sprite bottle with nothing but vodka. After pouring out most of the sprite.
I tasted it to see the mix one day, and I was beyond shook how strong it was; and that is coming from a hardcore alcoholic that was mixing them very strong in the end.
But Tina’s mix was almost only alcohol.
And I had no idea she was popping pills with it.
That is why she would be passed out in less than an hour on the couch.
She would toss and turn having night terrors before the sun was even set.
Screaming “no” and “stop” at the top of her lungs with other words mumbled incoherently in between. She urinates all over herself and the couch in the process.
Her body would flail about, and I couldn’t wake her up and just had to sit there and watch. It would often be too much for me to witness and I would retire to my room helpless.
It is like she is reliving her childhood rape in her sleep. It tears at my soul to see.
I told Tisha what was going on and that my health had gotten worse thanks to a pill. Now I was having difficulty breathing, and I was afraid that I was going to die.
More than that I told her that I was afraid that Tina was going to accidentally kill me.
Memories of her over Tisha in Tonga came flashing back to me, and I could easily imagine Tina drunkenly trying to save.
And that would have ended tragically for me and then would have torn Tina apart the rest of the way.
And there was not much left of her.
After getting a better routine down and getting food in her we were able to start having longer conversations. Before she would get shitty drunk.
She was in a lot of physical pain, and though we never talked about her drinking she knew I knew. Though she still tried to hide it from a 20 year alcoholic bartender. That is the shame of alcoholism for most, and they try to hide it.
She finally decided to try my CBD brownies for her pain, and to relax with me for television. Her drinking slowed down, and she ate more CBD brownies regularly.
I could see the darkness around her calming, and our conversation got longer and longer. I could see my Tina coming back to herself.
We talked at great length about my current health, and the possible surgeries I may need to slow down the process.
She prepared me from a purely scientific medical point of view on all the bad things I may possibly develop in my body. Should I not receive the help I so desperately needed at the time.
She would talk about the failures of the entire healthcare system, and how it was not working for anyone. Not even her as a very expensive, well respected nurse in the industry.
She would talk about the opiate epidemic started by big pharma, and how she saw it spinning out of control in the early 2000’s. I had no idea she was one of them when she was saying it.
We would talk about life, death, philosophy, and our disappointment in our family.
Alyssa commented on one of my posts that I was just being sedentary, and implied I was not sick.
That crushed Tina a lot, and hurt me deeply but I was getting that kind of attitude from everyone I loved. Except Tina. She knew more than I did what physical hells awaited me, and watched them get worse by the month.
I know how helpless she felt not being able to help me, and I was glad I was helping her.
Saturday, April 27th and some white supremacist shoots up the Poway Synagogue killing several people.
It is national news at it should be as a hate crime from some idiot. I can feel the energy of the community and the overwhelming sadness from this senseless act of hatred.
Saturday, May 4th and I went to the Poway Synagogue to experience my first Hebrew worship service.
The force is strong with me today, and I am feeling my philosophical side at a high point.
I am excited to observe a new religious worship for me, but more importantly to be there for a community during unnecessary tragedy due to human violence.
A man gave me a yarmulke to ear as is their customs and beliefs. I was happy to be given one and kept it.
The men around me took turns introducing themselves, and would graciously teach me about what was going on during service and why it was important to their religion.
I have never felt this welcomed or taken care of at a christian church.
Their worship singing felt the right kind of rhythmic and closer to GOD than christian churches too.
Just like chants are a form of worship, and their music seems to be very chant like. As well as having their own chants that I had a hard time repeating and joining in on, but sure tried.
After it ended everyone went to the big patio for traditional challah and other dishes. I had never had challah before and was happy I could go back for all I wanted.
Some of the best bread I ever tasted, and I am here for the food.
One of the men came and showed me how to use the communal bowl for washing the hands before partaking. The Rabbi said a wonderful prayer for the food and night.
His service was powerful and I felt it deeply, and wanted to get to know more about this culture I was so oblivious ignorant about other than from reading the bible.
My jewish friends never really talk about their religion, and it is always appreciated that they are not trying to force it on me.
I started up a conversation at one point with one of the Rabbi there and it was one of the younger son's of the Rabbi who runs that synagogue, and so I was extra excited to be talking with him. He was in his early 20's.
We started talking philosophies and religions. I love these kinds of discussions.
But he is still a kid and has a lot to learn about life and GOD.
He is only human after all, and still young so I am not surprised he thinks with his dick.
I was telling him my daily motto and how I make all my decisions in life.
"Think with your heart. Not your head." I told him.
He cut me off before I could go on as many people do when they think they are the teachers, but it is time for them to be the students and listen.
"No, you shouldn't be chasing sex. That is an unfulfilling life." he tried to warn me hilariously.
Then said it was nice to meet me in that I am holier than you tone and left to mingle more.
He didn't get to hear the second part of the motto, "Because your head will lie to you. But your heart will always tell the truth."
Then if people were willing listening I would go on at that point, "Your heart will be wrong from time to time, but at least it will always be honest to you. Your head will talk you into anything bad and out of everything good for you."
But he didn't need any good life knowledge apparently.
I mingled more and enjoyed the night with them. There was so much joy and so little sadness as their faith connected them together.
I left and thanked the police officers that were outside keeping those kind people safe from more domestic terrorists from the evil right wing republican christian beliefs of whiteness.
Sunday, May 12th and we reluctantly went to Tonya’s for mother’s day to be with family.
I let her know to signal me if we had to make a fast exit.
Ugh! Of course Tonya started in after dinner during our relaxing time with, “Why don’t you like me?” questioning Tina.
She look visibly annoyed as this conversation has been had before, and I gave her a look to see if she wanted me to jump in; but she gave me a look saying not to.
So I stayed silent and was really fucking pissed off at the complete unawareness of Tonya's intrusive and abusive tone.
Like she is our teacher and we owe her respect and an explanation about our homework or some holier than thou bullshit she thinks she has.
Then we left earlier than planned, but both knew we wouldn't be there all day anyway.
This is why Tina stopped coming to family events, reunions, and holidays to avoid all this.
And why she lived a lonely life of depresion.
Because of her family.
First she stopped talking, because Dad called her a jabber mouth on a family trip. She would go from part of the family to the mostly silent sister growing up.
Then they sent her to a fat camp, and fat shamed her every time she ate all while giving her unhealthy sized plates of food she had to finish eating like all of us.
And the world would do the rest from there.
Weeks later that same San Diego Scottish festival from last year was coming up. To make up for a crappy Mom holiday.
I knew Mom should know more about what was going on with everything. So I talked Tina into inviting her to go with us for the day.
This is when Tina's drinking snowballed into a full blizzard consuming her with darkness and depression.
Thursday, July 4th and the celebration of the birth of this nation, and tragically the death of my sweet sister Tina.
She had been taking care of me the best she could and it was nice to have some alone time as adult siblings.
But her alcoholism was back from years ago and it was worse than ever. Nobody knew that when I moved in, and I told Tisha once I found out.
The CBD brownies were helping her.
She never judged me for my cannabis usage.
Especially with my level of pain, and as the smartest person I ever met, her scientific brain understood exactly what I was going through and what was to come.
She was curious about smoking with me, but I could not get her past that indoctrination of mormon guilt and Mom and Dad guilt that drove her to drink more and use pills. Ironic.
She had even mentioned trying it with my supervision and guidance.
A few years early while driving to Tonya’s for a holiday she asked me for protection. The kind of protection she never felt she received from our parents.
As the youngest this was a big responsibility, but I said, “ Yes, of course.”
And like Tisha keeps telling me, “You're the strongest.”
But as Tina was making progress I did not live up to that promise.
To which she has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself.
The Mother's Day incident.
The “Why don’t you like me?”
She wants to have the great debate again on why her judgmental ass doesn’t get along with her siblings and it is our fault as usual.
We have had this conversation with her too many times individually and as a full sibling unit; and at this point it is exhausting and a conversation with the same circle of her toxic bullshit.
I said nothing and let it go on, but now know I should have stopped it.
Tina’s drinking got intensely worse the next day and progressively worse from there.
She would sneak the booze into her room and pour it into an empty sprite bottle. No sprite.
She would pass out and be blacked out drunk in less than an hour from being home from work thanks to the pills combo.
She would lose control of her urine and not be able to make it to the bathroom; because she was too drunk to stand.
I was too weak to pick her up and help her physically in any way, and in my room at night my throat was starting to close up on me and I would stop breathing.
I was afraid I was gonna die or worse she would kill me while drunkenly trying to be a nurse saving me. Which would haunt her even more.
I was messaging Tisha about how bad the situation was and how mother’s day sent her over the deep end.
Then we went to collect all our stuff out of the U Haul storage and it had black mold.
We threw away so many personal belongings, but financially we had know idea that Tina was drowning in debt and my extra burden was not helping.
Paying for that Uhaul back bill was another stress trigger on top of everything. She increased her drinking.
Then we went to the Scottish festival with Mom and over breakfast caught her up on the family stuff, but Mom brushed it off like she always does. So casually.
Being the peacemaker and never taking sides has taken its own toll on Tina over a lifetime. This was the last trigger that drove her deeper into a bottle and pills. Mom only takes Tonya's side in most family arguments and she doesn't even realize it.
This would be when she started using anesthesiology leftover medication from work, and would start injecting herself to sleep at night. On top of the booze and pills.
I was walking more with a cane now and leaving my room less, because even my big comfortable chair was too painful to sit in. I couldn't keep a close eye on her, and it was too hard to watch truthfully that I was relived that my pain kept me in my room.
A few days after the festival I would find her passed out in the middle of the hallway with a trail of urine on the floor behind her. I could not wake her up or move her. It looks like she tried to crawl to the bathroom and passed out again on the way.
By the time the 4th of July rolls around I am used to her hitting the bottle hard then going to bed before the sun goes down. I don’t even remember saying good night to her that night.
I do know I looked at her in the same shameful judgemental way that she had seen her whole life, and that I am ashamed of and she has forgiven me that laps of compassion and empathy.
The shame spiral she was in and I was in my own shame spiral not knowing how to help her.
The next morning everything was silent and felt off.
My instincts knew something was wrong, but she would often wakes up before me and then hits the store for more alcohol. Then would be passed out again by the time I woke up for the day.
But on July 5th that was not the case and the air in the house was thick and heavy. Very heavy.
I had ventured into the backyard a few times throughout the morning to maybe look in on her. She slept with the sliding glass door open, but I felt weird about it and never got too close to see in.
I let the day go by and by.
She was there nudging me to go find her. I knew in my heart something was wrong.
Then a white mist appeared in front of me and I knew it was her telling me to go check on her.
I went out the back patio and to her sliding door and came in sadly calling her name. She was naked and face down.
I touched her cold leg and knew what I had already known. Then called 911 to get the emergency services to the house she was renting.
The person on the call tried to get me to pull her off the bed and give her CPR. I could not budge her as she was too heavy and I was too weak.
And she was dead.
I am not an idiot and know what death looks and feels like.
That part traumatized the fuck out of me, and I still have PTSD from it.
Then the cops were at her bedroom door, and as someone who has been very outspoken about police brutality and the systemic racism they perpetuate in this country this was the first time I felt relief seeing them.
“You can stop now, and can hang up the phone.”, said this young man who could see the situation clearly. “You want to go sit down in the front room.”
I walk into the front room and plop down in my recliner in a hazy fog of grief and disbelief, and I am not knowing fully what happened yet.
I am surrounded by EMS now checking on me, and police officers going through the house with a trauma specialist that is from an outside agency that works with the government in parts of the country.
This was one of those liberal services that conservatives hate so much, because it provided me with kindness, compassion, empathy, and information that our family would need in the time of death and grief.
And conservative christians hate all that kindness, compassion, empathy, and information like Jesus teaches.
She was really kind, and reminded me that when I was ready I should inform the rest of my family.
Jesus Fucking Christ, NO!
So I gathered myself and my cell phone. Stood up and started making the calls.
I called Tisha first, and told her that Tina was dead.
Then I called Tonya to tell her Tina was dead. Mom lived with Tonya, and so I didn’t have to tell her and make another call. Thank GOD.
I had asked Tisha to call the other people that shouldn’t have to see it later on facebook. She called my Brother Batt and told him.
Batt called me immediately. He was in the area with Alysia, and they were on their way.
I sat back down, and listened to that nice lady trying to absorb what she was saying and she was mostly there to listen should I need to let it out.
Tonya shows up, and so does Batt and Alysia.
The coroner comes out of the bedroom to ask me questions.
“Did you know she was taking this medication?”, he asks, saying that I can never pronounce or remember as it has been erased from my mind by GOD.
“Did you know she was taking this?”, he asks about another.
“No, but she is a nurse and has access to all kinds of things. I just thought she was a blackout drunk.”, I told him.
The questions continue about the day, the night before, and when I found her.
I mentioned that I had a weird feeling all day, and was too scared to check on her fearing the worst.
Then a white mist appeared a foot in front of me, and I knew it was her begging me to check on her body.
I knew it and so I walked out the patio door. Then down the concrete in the backyard to her bedroom.
While I was relaying this story to the coroner Tonya was standing behind my chair out of my view, and Batt and Alysia were in front of me by the back patio door.
Batt would tell me that later when I mentioned the white mist to the coroner Tonya rolled her eyes.
She has never been a believer, and has no faith.
They take Tina’s soulless body away, and one by one they leave.
I do not want company and want to be with my sister’s departed spirit.
And the rest of my soul family.
Before leaving Tonya angrily tossed a gas card down in case I needed gas now that my free ride died. Was the implications that fucking cunt meant.
I sat in silence for a bit, and then I went into the backyard and screamed at the night sky with all my rage, anger, and depression like out of every movie.
2 days later I met Lolly and Aiden in the parking lot of a walmart. Her van had broken down and was out of gas too. They were in need and so was I.
So I turned around to find out their story.
She was from another part of the country and was with her son. He was absolutely adorable and the sweetest little kid.
She was also hiding from an abusive ex, and that is a typical story.
So I gave her the rest of the gas card. I had just used $15 of the $100 card Tonya so graciously gave me, and I would rather help a single Mother since I was just gonna sit at home alone anyway.
But then as I was driving away I knew that wasn’t enough.
So I turned around and offered them dinner as well since I was just on my way to cook it.
But that house was pretty lonely and so after I got food going I drove back down to see if they felt comfortable enough to join me.
After convincing her I was a decent cook and not a murderer they joined me for dinner.
They stayed for a few days because I needed more than I knew.
I was not as strong as I thought or as everyone thinks I always am.
They saved my life or I would have ended it there most likely in that house.
She also made a great wire wrap heart pendant that I wore a lot and just gifted to Ashlie my niece, and made me a great piece out of some of Tina's crystals that I just gifted to Tisha.
Her dad sent some money to fix the van, and we have remained friends to this day. I love watching them grow, and am so glad GOD brought them into my life in my time of need.
Because the day before Tonya had come back to go through Tina’s stuff, and help Mom and Tisha handle her affairs. I was not asked to nor should I have had to after that.
I also saved her from going back to see Tina, because she has no idea what closure is and means. Seeing a dead body doesn't give you closure it gives you PTSD.
She has obviously never got closure with her Daddy issues, and I wanted to save her the horrors that I knew I would have to bear alone for this family.
Like I usually do.
Luckily all the cops, the coroner, and the professional grief counselor that night all agreed with me; and told her not to go back there and see Tina’s overdosed lifeless naked corpse.
You’re fucking welcome, bitch!
While picking up stuff she wanted to have an honest open conversation, and I reluctantly gave her a millionth chance.
She was typical Tonya, and I should not have wasted a second or single breath on her that day.
My fault Tina was dead according to her, and she blamed Tisha and I for not telling her that Tina was drinking again.
Once again why would any of us tell that judgmental bitch anything at all?
She gets left out of everything because of who she is. Like the time she tried to force our family on one of those quack fake doctor tv shows with a republican Qanon host. That isn’t even a real doctor and had a shitty mustache in the 90’s for a clue.
So like usual she was left out of the honesty part of the family and blamed me for that too. Instead of evaluating herself and why her siblings refuse to share their personal lives with her.
But Tina’s best friend had come over and had those steaks that I never got to cook for Tina on the 4th of July.
And She told me everything that night over dinner on July 6th.
Every thought Tina had and shared with her during surgeries at work.
The only person Tina confided more in than me and GOD was her.
So I already knew that the Women of the Murdock clan had collectively killed her, but found out that I was the only person she even felt loved by in her immediate family most of the time.
That saddened me to think about, but only filled me with more rage as Tonya pointed her finger at me being the source of all this family's suffering.
Look in a mirror you clueless sinner!
And now I had to go to that stupid family reunion in Idaho to be at Tina’s Memorial.
I had already canceled going to the reunion, and to stay home with Tina. She was in a dark place and never went to those anyway.
Plus I was afraid I would come home to her dead.
Plus I didn't want to be in a car with Mom for a week and a half traveling. We do not travel well together, and it only makes me more annoyed with her.
But now I had no choice.
I get along with all my cousins for the most part. They think they are smarter than me like most people.
I just don’t agree with their choice much like my Mother’s choices, and so I don't waste my time having conversations beneath me that they are not worthy of hearing anyway.
But luckily the Murdock clan was gonna be there and we would stay drunk the whole time since we were without Sheldon.
I threw saw blades with the little cousins I had never met before, and had fun with those little souls. They have not been tainted by the mormons yet and are still innocent and sweet.
I said my hellos and thank you's for the condolences, and reassure everyone that our Mom was not right and she did not commit suicide at all. It was an opiate overdose.
She definitely overdosed on multiple things though; and I am sure that blacked out drunk and on pills she easily self medicated too much of the stuff she injected people with for a living to go to sleep.
That I had no idea she had been doing for a few weeks after our Scottish festival outing according to the evidence I found while cleaning up her room by myself so my family wouldn't see it.
I stayed heavily medicated with alcohol and had my CBD brownies with me to help maintain my pain, but definitely needed a lot of weed for that weekend.
We had the talent show and one of the little cousins sat on my lap, and others sat nearby me. Can’t remember which ones as I was in a grief haze more than I was drunk.
They always find me to hang out with these little angels.
Why do you adults gotta fuck them up with your ignorant religions and politics??
I enjoyed their company, but inside I was fuming mad towards Sue.
She had told me to “respect” her, and not to talk to Tisha about fucking over Tina and I with the storage.
She was afraid it would ruin the talent show and the family reunion that she had planned and put so much pride in.
I had lost what little respect I had left for her when she demanded that.
Instead Tisha and I had a strained relationship from it for another year. When the two of us would have had a conversation, a hug, and an understanding to move forward. Because that's what happened when we did.
The very thing you can not do with Tonya or Mom. EVER! Talk to them and move on.
We had our Scottish games and everyone had a grand ole time. I was miserable, and nobody there could help. Not even Tisha, because I was mad at her too; and wasn't allowed closure that I needed.
And Sheldon was gone too.
Plus I had to watch Sheldon’s widow make eyes with her guy the entire time and pretend like I didn’t know the two of them were fucking the whole time; and that Sheldon really died of a broken heart because he knew it too before he died.
And those liars and cheaters just get to move on at my family fucking reunion like Sheldon never existed.
Right in front of his only blood child and sweet daughter; and in front of his son from her blood that he loved so much and is telling me he right now while editing this book, "I am so proud of you now Levi."
This was his second wife, and the second cheater. Sherry had cheated on him with Jared, and was one of the reasons I moved back to California.
I knew this had broken Sheldon for the last time.
A month later I was cursing her alone in my room for her betrayal of him, and he could have been unfaithful too for all I know; but GOD showed me the truth of their betrayal and I was mad as hell for my favorite cousin that was a Brother.
“Give her a break.”, Sheldon said in his jovial tone. Giggling in heaven like he does.
“Just cause you're dead and forgive her doesn’t mean I have to.”, I snapped back with all my sass and sarcasm.
“Well I have.”, Sheldon said. Which I already knew.
Just like Tina forgave Mom, Tisha, and Tonya immediately, and had nothing to repent for; and did not need mormons to pray for her in their weird after life ceremonies.
She was already in heaven with Sheldon, Annabelle, Aaron, Dad, Glen, so many others, and my Angel Family and GOD.
And my nephew, Tisha’s Son named David after my Dad that she had aborted, that I can not wait to meet.
I have seen him up there with the family, and didn’t know who he was until Tisha told me the truth last week.
And the only thing in heaven is LOVE.
But what about GOD’s wrath and disappointment in humanity?
GOD does and is, but that energy is not felt there.
Only peace and LOVE.
GOD’s eternal love.
So we are wrapping up the family reunion and we are doing Tina's Memorial.
We all said what we could. The usual snotty cry fest of loving memories.
I choke through a very difficult and honest memorial.
I let family members know who Tina really was. With all her glorious light and infinite sadness. Experiencing life in all the suck it has to offer, but loving everyone in spite of it all.
Wanting a family and children of her own only to be torn apart and rejected by society's standards of beauty.
This world did not deserve her beautiful soul.
Then Ashlie got up there and sang us a song. We had never heard her sing and didn’t even know she did.
She sounded so great and her voice was strong.
No way I could have sang even if I was healthy and still had my singing voice. I have tried and can not do it while sad. Especially at a memorial service. Did it once and it was a disaster.
Then the service ended and everyone came up for hugs.
Then walked up Kerry Murdock, Uncle Larry’s son, the cousin that molested me, and gave me a hug.
And my soul cringed.
I wanted to rip his heart out of his chest and tell everyone there why.
And I did not walk him to the fast moving freezing river that we have lost many relatives to from accidents and send him down river.
But I thought about it for a second.
I could have done the world a favor.
And especially any children in his family or in his presence, past, and future.
“What the fuck is he doing here?”, I ask Tish.
“He is representing that side of the family. Just bear with it.”, she advises being the only person that knows what he did to me; and that I have thought up thousands of ways to end his life with my bare hands.
Again GOD is against murder and you will be judged accordingly.
So I allowed him to live.
Not because I am under judgement as an Angel, because I am not.
But because I didn't want to make another widow.
I couldn’t wait to get away from those people and I do not feel bad saying it. All of them by the end of that reunion.
You all didn’t deserve me in your blood line.
That was only because David Ellis Murdock’s righteousness was beyond your spiritual comprehension.
I went back to Tina’s to pack my stuff, and wait for Tisha to come help me pack up that house.
I was still mad at her, but grateful she was there to help.
Then I went to live with my Brother Batt and Sister Alysia for a month to see what was next.
The second time GOD has sent Batt to save my life now.
Or I would have been living in my truck and could not in that declining physical condition.
Nothing was next and no one could help me. I had to sit in misery, and had a private room to do it thanks to them. Also I tried not to disturb their happiness with my sorrow and my suffering health.
“Get a job and help yourself you liberal freeloader loser.”, I am paraphrasing Tanya’s piece of shit husband.
These dumb fuckers are dumber than dog shit!
I would never let my partner or significant other talk to any family member in that way. In person or on social media.
It is different when I call you out on your shit!
I always start off kind, but I am just a mirror giving you the same energy you project. So when things get rude, nasty, and hurtful just think back where that started and came from to begin with. YOU!
I can be just as petty as you humans and more so even. You obviously didn't read that part in all your old prophets stories about how most of us Angels were against your creation.
And no there was not a split or war in heaven and your silly Satan story.
Several people offered to take my puppy Morpheus.
Not watch him for a little bit but keep him and take him from me.
My service dog after my sister just died?
I blocked those fuckers on facebook fast.
Heartless jackasses.
Talk about insensitive and clueless.
A few possible places for me to rent or temporarily crash for a few months, but nothing permanent and nothing with my dog.
The places that had the room were suddenly being filled with grown adult children in need of their parents. I totally get that and they all did the right thing as their kids are now back on their feet.
Tisha was stuck with me again, and so she found a house to rent for us in Albuquerque. I packed up my truck and Morph and I took the long trip to New Mexico.
Stopped in Arizona overnight and Ashleigh was kind enough to let me crash in their spare room. I forgot her Man’s name and their sweet pit bull’s name too.
Super grateful for that night, the company, and the weed smoking with them.
Then continued on the next day.
Stopping along the way to take photos with Dad’s old film camera of abandoned america.
I am disgusted by this country and the abandonment of everything to build new.
And I was creating art to feed my soul.
And to stay alive.
But what I needed was free nationalized healthcare for all so I could talk to a therapist about finding Tina.

Chapter 15 - 2019 AD

Monday, December 23rd 2019 AD and it is 2 days before Christmas, I have Covid-19, and the world is about to collectively lose their minds; but first Tonya will be dead to me as a sister.
I have not written in the book for two years mourning Tina, and it was all too much for me to deal with emotionally and mentally.
I needed a therapist from a functioning healthcare system that has care and health as part of their duties.
Two days before on Saturday I went to see the final Star Wars movie in the nine movie saga. The Star Wars galaxy is deeply personal to me and reminds me of Dad.
I barely made it through the movie without throwing up. Had to close my eyes many times to regain my composure and bearings.
When Tisha came to pick me up I was leaning against the wall and world was spinning on me. I had never had Vertigo before and had nothing to compare it to other than being an idiot drunk.
And the only other movie that had given me Vertigo was the Dark Knight in a huge Imax.
But that was still just one scene and only at Imax theater viewing.
This was difficult to make it through the whole movie, and by Monday I could not even see straight. The room was closing in on me and expanding in waves. The nausea waves were always seconds behind the dizzy head nausea.
I felt like I was drowning in water and floating in space at the same time. Both feelings of being out of control and not being able to properly take a breath. Everything was heavy and labored. The Covid was suffocating me.
I had blocked Tonya and Josh on my cell phone, because she was not respecting boundaries as usual; and had asked Tisha to deal with them while they were in town.
I had no energy for her foolish pride, because some cousins and I were making fun of Mormons again on facebook.
She was also still mad over a Black Jesus picture that I am pretty fond of. It is gorgeous art whoever made it, and I happily used it for my facebook profile picture for a while. Big Black Jesus Fro' was awesome!
I had repeatedly asked her to wait till after Christmas to have any serious talks. I just wanted one last Christmas with the whole family and all my nieces and nephews that I love.
I didn’t know why I felt like it was the last family Christmas, but I knew it with my whole heart.
I had been sleeping even worse than normal for the last week and was exhausted beyond belief.
Beyond my decades of insomnia experience this was a different kind of tiredness, wiped out, nothing left, and I felt like I was gonna die.
And at the time we had no idea Covid-19 existed and was in the United States at the time.
Tonya and Josh arrived with Abby and Davey, and it was immediately weird. The kids did not make eye contact with me or come over for hugs.
And I was anxious to give Davey a hug, because I had recently had that dream again where he comes to me after he is killed by an officer of the law sworn to protect and serve him.
I fucking hate that dream! Where he panics and a COP shoots him.
All because he never got the brown talk from brown parents in a racist country, and his parents would never listen to me and don’t think this country has a systemic racism problem let alone with the police.
But maybe for once and the first time ever in my entire life one of my dreams is wrong?
Maybe this one and only time I am wrong?
I can hope, because I love that kid.
But my dreams are never wrong.
They sat down on the couch to my left, and I could barely see out of my left eye. That had been weakening the right eye for the last several days and the right eye was losing vision too.
The room seemed to be closing in on me and then expanding in waves. It was dizzying and nauseating me. I had Covid-19 and vertigo, and I had never experienced vertigo before and didn’t know what was going on.
My lungs were Covid heavy and it was difficult to breathe. I felt like I was floating in space with no air and no gravity to ground me, and also felt like I was drowning under water gasping for air, unable to swim to the surface.
Trapped drowning in my own body and suffering.
They did some quick family chit chat that sounded muffled to me, because I could not concentrate on anything mentally now for 2 days; and my ears were not working thanks to Covid messing up my hearing with all my stuffed up sinuses.
Then they went to load up the kids in cars to go see the last Star Wars movie without me.
But that is when the mood changed and with my limited vision and dulled senses I could see them put their plans into motion.
I had asked Tisha to protect me from this very scenario, because I know her prideful soul too well; and humans are stupid predictable when their fragile egos get challenged.
And Tonya is still mad that she belongs to a fake religion, the fact that I was ever born and she was no longer the baby, some stupid toy collector horses I ruined as a child, and a long list of whiney poor me shit that none of her siblings cared to hear about anymore. Typical white woman christian type stuff that the rest of society hates with good reason. It is entitlement in many forms. Plain and simple.
You are not entitled to a GOD damned thing.
Mom and Tisha went outside with the kids.
Even with my blurry vision I could see Josh playing the look out at the door.
Tonya comes over and takes the chair by my recliner.
And I have never felt more vulnerable and afraid for my life since that evil darkness in the Kaysville house.
My heart starts racing and the room starts closing in on me even more.
“After this movie we are coming back here and having it out.” the fucking cunt demanded.
“No you are not. I need sleep and have not slept thanks to you in 2 days.” I replied matter of factly.
“Yes we are blah blah blah blah me me me me and" angry bitterness and I am a total psychopath right now with zero remorse or soul or compassion or empathy coming out of the mouth of Tonya Brady screaming things in my face.
She stood out of her chair and towered over my helpless body, and I gripped the cane that Tina bought, holding it tight for strength and courage.
The strength and courage to face this demon over me and not strike it in the face with the very cane I hold onto for dear life. I was scared she would strike me first like she has in the past, and I am too fragile for a fight.
My chest feels like it is about to explode and I think I am having a heart attack.
I was having the worst panic attack of my life, and had Covid-19 before the world knew it existed on top of aggressive rheumatoid arthritis and neuropathy pain with undiagnosed multiple sclerosis, and only GOD truly knows what else I have that is killing me.
And she just laid in harder on me coming around to the left side of the chair to intimidate me further and try to enforce the will of evil and darkness upon me.
My eyes regained focus and I looked up.
And only saw darkness in her eyes.
That same evil that tormented me as a child.
I saw a narcissist and a sociopath.
An uncaring prideful hateful woman.
The same look I saw in Kerry's eyes the night he molested me.
I saw the person I told everyone she always was, and she was dead inside; and now dead to me.
“You are the bully of this family!”, I managed to yell with what little strength I had left.
“No, you are the bully of this family!” cried Josh from his look out next to the door.
I could snap his big fat neck in an instant but that would upset GOD.
I am an Angel fuckers, and knew that I wouldn’t be judged for defending myself or killing them both by GOD; but that was not the lesson they were meant to learn nor the rest of the family.
And those lessons are still coming, but they are too ignorant in their pride to learn and will not.
“What the hell is going on in here?”, Tisha asked, flying in the door too late to protect me.
They had already hatched their sinister plans.
I wonder how long they planned it. Sitting in their house talking shit, and stewing in their dark hearts that they think is the love of family and GOD. Pathetic and sad as fuck is what it is.
And poor Abby and Davey didn’t get to enjoy one last christmas with their uncle and I didn’t get to enjoy it with any of my family.
Plus who knows what they heard from her at home or in the car ride to New Mexico. Whatever she said it was a lot, and it was written all over their childish faces when they walked in. I could feel the negativity all over those weaponized children.
Tonya had ruined another holiday like usual, and my absolute very last christmas with family.
Tisha kicked them out and asked me what I needed.
I told her I would call 911 and have those fuckers arrested in front of their kids if they dared step foot in my HOME again, and if they try to enter my room I will defend myself to the death with my knife as I now know that Tonya has been possessed since Kaysville.
“Anything else?”, She asks impatiently.
“Lock that fucking door behind you!”, I instructed angrily. She had let me down and once again didn’t listen to me when GOD showed me all things before they happened.
I called Sara who had just moved to town with her lovely wife Courtney. Sara is one of the meanest mother fuckers I have ever met, and I need protection from Tonya and knew she would kick her ass for me if need be.
So they come over to see me in the most frantic panicky freak out of my life, and I have Covid-19 and all those other health issues going on too. I wasn't feeling protected by Tisha.
We smoked several bowls as they tried to calm me down, but I did not.
Tisha comes home and checks on me, and I go to bed and fall asleep hard.
I woke up the next morning, and I could not sit up in bed.
The vertigo is worse this morning, and it feels like my bed is sucking me through it into a black hole. I keep falling over with dizziness every time I try to sit up.
I have to relieve myself and can’t even sit up to go to the toilet. So I roll to my left and grab my phone. My left eye is still blurry and my vision is not good, and my head is spinning with vertigo.
I text Tisha for help, and lay there trying not to shit myself for 5 minutes before help arrives.
I barely even could see the phone and text her.
“Get me to the bathroom.”, I demand in a hurry. It was an emergency.
“Here..”, Mom reached out for me to help Tish.
“NO!”, I yelled at her.
She was offended as she gets, but there is not room for 3 of us in the doorway, she will slow us down and I will crap myself, and she is old and not as strong as she thinks she is.
She could end up hurting me and herself by trying to help, and nobody has any idea how dizzy I really am at this point.
Or about the existence of Covid-19.
Tisha gets me to the bathroom and closes the door.
I barely made it, and almost fell off the toilet several times from vertigo.
Tisha retrieved me and I tell her it is time for the hospital, because I know my body and something is fucked up.
Mom goes to Alyssa’s with the rest of the family, and Tisha takes me to the emergency room. I can barely sit up in the car, and am leaning against the door.
The world is spinning and the drive makes it worse. Everything is muffled as my ears are clogged. My vision is in and out. My lungs feel like they are under water.
My head is pounding and I can feel my heartbeat in the back of my skull. I am too dizzy to stand, and so dizzy that we actually use the seat belt and strap me into the hospital wheelchair.
Tisha checks me in, and we wait in the packed full emergency room.
Once they come to get me and see me to a room Tisha goes to join the family on christmas eve.
I felt horrible she had missed most of the day already with me.
Now I am alone in the hospital room with this failure excuse of a healthcare system, and in this emergency it is the same thing as usual.
"Pick one thing. What hurts the most or is the worst?" they made me decide like I knew what was wrong with me.
I had thought this was my last family gathering because my Mom was old, but it turned out I was going to die alone in the hospital on christmas eve in New Mexico.
This is not where I expected to die.
This place.
This time.
Not this state.
My oxygen saturation rate was below average, and should have been the first Covid sign; but the country had not even known it existed yet.
My blood pressure was horrible, but it always was after dealing with Tonya and that is why I ended up blocking her on social media. Because she pissed me off in a message on my first doctor visit in New Mexico, and the nurse practitioner thought I had hypertension and that didn't sound right to me when she explained it.
So she did my blood pressure again and it was normal for me and my normal high blood pressure already.
"What were you doing right before you got here?" she asked.
"Reading a message from my sister." I told her.
"Oh wow. Okay. No talking to her before appointments from now on." my new doctor ordered.
So I am in the emergency room with Covid. They ran all their tests and I waited on the bed in the room.
The doctor on duty decided he thought I had a sinus infection, and wrote me a prescription for antibiotics, and I called Tish to come get me and take me home.
I had a lot of time to think about it at the hospital, and knew that I would spend christmas alone now.
Alyssa had just had their first baby, and the post pregnancy had her in a very dark place with her depression. There was no asking them to come to me.
I couldn’t go there since their bathrooms were upstairs and downstairs, and I couldn’t sit up let alone walk and deal with stairs.
Especially after that morning and nobody showing up for 5 very long minutes.
I know how badly Mom needs her family time, and the most logical decision was to stay home alone on my last family christmas.
Tonya had taken away any real options at our house anyway with her selfish bullshit.
Luckily Tish brought over the children for a quick half hour or maybe 45 minutes to open my presents, and get my last photo with the Nieces and Nephews that I love beyond words.
Then they left me alone.
But I was not alone.
I had GOD, Dad, Tina, and my Angel Family.
The pharmacies all closed for the holiday and my Covid got worse until we were able to get some antibiotics for a sinus infection to treat my unknown Covid.
Dealing with the emergency room sure would have been nice to have free national healthcare system for all where my files followed me to that moment for the doctors and nurses to look up.
And I never saw Tonya and Josh again.
Or my sweet Nephew Davey and sweet Niece Abby.

Chapter 16 - 2020 AD

January 2020 was very difficult fighting off Covid for those first few weeks unaware.
My breathing was very labored and shallow. It left me with scarring in the bottom of my right lung that I can feel today.
I made a post on facebook about how Tonya and the kids ruined the dog.
Alyssa freaked out and decided to kick me out of her life for the next 6 months for that.
She would also not even remember why 8 months later when she is driving me to another town to pick up some Cannabis medicine.
But she is postpartum and suicidal, and so Tisha has to go live with her during that time.
Dylan is in Afghanistan and her doctor has ordered her not to be alone.
She is a new Mother, and she can not leave her baby alone to go into a facility for mental health help.
They needed a better healthcare system to help them both with all of this, and as Air Force they use what the shitty government gives them.
And at first I thought I was lucky that Sara and Courtney were moving in.
We could help them out of a horrible situation, and I had two people I liked to hang out with and smoke weed with.
But that didn’t last long and things changed of course.
Sara had all kinds of illness going on, and was practically on her deathbed at the time. We knew things were bad, but not how bad at the time.
She would become more moody and reclusive in her room as she got worse. As many dying people tend to do.
Sara needed a functioning healthcare system long ago.
Meanwhile the world shut down because Covid-19 spread viciously, and people are stupid listening to the wrong informations.
It killed my bunny slipper wearing Samoan Brother, Lem Utu, very early on. He had been sick for years, and was an easy target for the new virus.
Then all my specialists doctor appointments were canceled, and that included the therapist I had been waiting to get since Tina died.
I followed the science and updates religiously. I had the long haulers syndrome they were talking about.
The muscle aches.
The daily migraines for the next year and a half.
The brain fog with that.
The loss of taste, and I did all the cooking. Found out how much I was over seasoning 2 weeks after my second vaccination shot when my taste buds came back.
I had everything on the list, and the vaccine cleared up most of it. All but the weird face rashes around my eyes.
Those six months were some of the most difficult mental health moments of my life. Suicidal thoughts were apart of the extreme symptoms I had from Covid.
I felt fully abandoned even more than before.
I was suicidal, and going in and out of suicidal thoughts that entire year, and through part of next year until after I got the vaccine.
Every holiday this year and the next year I would spend completely alone without humans.
It would be with our dogs, my kitty, and I would watch the Ally's dogs.
And sometimes Ashlie’s dogs too.
I will never see Fiona and Cordie again. They are good angels.
My cousin's daughter came into town, and I vented about my situation. She then went and said every word to Alyssa making our relationship even worse for a while.
So I blocked her on all my social media and cell phone, because I was betrayed and couldn't trust her.
But I betrayed myself.
I know her entire story and past. I have been her sounding board and there for her the best I could after moving away from Utah.
And should have known not to dump my emotions on her like that.
She was too young, emotionally immature, and not one of my usual tribe that I can vent with.
Her Mom was an amazing Woman, and a very good person. The kind of good that makes other people want to be better.
I see her Mom every time I look at her, and couldn’t help myself but to vent.
However, she would never understand how much worse she made things so it was easier to cut her out of my life, and the best thing to do unfortunately.
GOD, the dogs, kitty, podcasting, and Cannabis are the only things that got me through 2020.
I will spend the next 2 years begging my nieces to have one holiday together with me and their Mom to my failure.
But I would be spending my entire time in New Mexico begging for doctors to help me with no help.
The first was a nurse practitioner, because that was who Tisha used and loved her. However, they can not order all the tests and other things without a doctor. Always get a real doctor and not someone that is not. Even though doctors can be idiots too.
Every doctor visit was canceled due to the pandemic, and telephone check ups or through video are not the same thing. Especially when you have a weird skin rash around your eyes and nose that is very painful, but difficult to see with the naked eye. Plus it is new for healthcare.
It was an after effect of the Covid-19, and I felt a weird pressure behind my left eye. It would make my vision go in and out of blurry. To the point I would lose would lose like 80% of my vision in that left eye.
Then my right eye would get tired from doing all the work and I would go cross eyed and start seeing double. After less than an hour of that my brain would be so tired from trying to see that it would shut down, and I would go to sleep, or most often nod off but not fully be able to fall asleep.
Plus I had covid long haulers syndrome.
The muscle pain and full body aches, and that was on top of the already horrible arthritis and neuropathy.
The migraines were almost daily; and that was on top of the already horrible migraines from the pinched nerves in my neck, arthritis in my jaws, arthritis in my neck, and the feverish pulsating migraines that feel like my spinal fluid can not get pumped to my head properly.
The shortness of breath, and that was new to me because I have always had strong lungs.
Every doctor after this would even comment on how strong my lungs are after years of tobacco smoking.
Which is because of my singing and all the pot smoking, because cannabis is a bronchodilator and that helps with inflammation in the lungs. I would sing on treadmills to exercise my lungs and diaphragm.
The doctors never looked or believed me about my lung scarring. Let alone I could never prove I had Covid, because tests for it did not exist yet; and no tests can prove that you had it. Only when you have it at the time.
The heart palpitation would continue and I had not had those much before, but will worsen with time. The same ones that made me think I was having a heart attack while Tonya was standing over me threateningly at xmas.
The brain fog or cognitive impairment that came with suicidal thoughts and deeper depression than I had ever experienced too. The thoughts of suicide were every other week, and it was deeply disturbing how much it changed the brain at the time.
You can feel how it is affecting the brain chemistry and moods; and how it gets out of control. All your thoughts are darker and full of self hate. Everyone else must hate me too.
I thought Alyssa hated me and kicked me completely out of her life. Six months felt like an eternity.
And all during Ellis’s brand new life.
I was beyond insulted and emotionally hurt.
So I wanted to kill myself and blamed my family, but it was the Covid long haulers.
I had that loss of taste and smell, and that made me over salt and over spice every meal.
I did all the cooking in the house, because I love to cook and I am more picky my food more than Tisha.
Unfortunately for her my taste buds were fried from Covid and her’s were not.
They know Covid damages the nervous system in some, but do not know how, why, and to what extent yet.
I am pretty sure it advanced my arthritis, neuropathy, and undiagnosed multiple sclerosis.
Insurance denied me a test 3 times with multiple doctors for MS, and maybe developed POTS too. That is a new immune system term going around that I have many of the symptoms.
Either way their only answers are pills.
Pills that don’t fix anything and only mask the pain by changing your brain chemistry in most cases, and in all cases for me there are side effects and they can be drastic, permanent, and deadly.
Which are killing me faster now thanks to big pharma.
All these pills are made to mimic what plant medicine does, and some do great for some people; but not one synthetic drug has been able to do what Cannabis does.
That is why they finally legalized a natural Cannabis medicine for children with epileptic seizures.
But not for adults.
Because they have to profit and make money from sick adults and children.
They just like to pretend they care about the children when they don’t care about anyone.
If it helps with seizures in kids it helps adults too.
So many idiots out there making these laws not based on any facts or science, but based on their ignorant religious beliefs. Dumb ass cunts!
I have seizures. Doctors won't talk about it or take down notes about it.
They are minor compared to what I know about others with seizures, but Cannabis stops them immediately. Probably why they don’t consider them, but they happen and can get really bad when I am out of Cannabis.
The bad ones get my head, arms, and hands moving; but Tisha can never see it when I point it out and nobody else can either.
And that shouldn’t matter because they are happening.
They are not fun and they are scary.
Things start shaking out of your own control, and when it is minor nobody can see it, but I feel it and it feels very major.
When they are really bad I am in my bed alone shaking to the point that I can not even grab my phone to text Tisha or dial 911 emergency service for an ambulance.
Regular Cannabis usage in all its wonderful forms helps prevent those, and stop them in their tracks. The convulsions are very scary.
It is mind blowing to me that humanity allows kids and adults to live like that when Hemp and Cannabis is the cure. It is torture when there is a natural remedy.
A gift from GOD.
I brought the Down the Road Show podcast out of retirement for the 10 Anniversary. Being creative has always been a great outlet for my mental health, and I needed it to have people to talk with really.
You can literally see my brain stop at times and the brain fog kick in. Guests were often running late or having technical issues that caused me more pain by sitting in my chair waiting on them.
Then they would always say "you don't look sick" or "you look good to me" or the many other things healthy people say dismissively to the chronically ill thinking they are being positive and supportive. It is not at all to anyone who is.
My hands were getting worse and more painful making them harder to control with the shaking.
During my introduction of Mark Christopher Lawrence my hand was shaking so bad that I could not click the unmute button.
I didn't bring him in smoothly like I usually do and it messed me up for the rest of the interview.
You can see how off I am in that one. Especially because we are friends and this should be an easy fun interview of catching up that I needed and started the show back up for.
Mark was one of our first original guests and everyone was surprised I had celebrities lined up at all.
But at the beginning of 2020 I was given those referral to specialists and a therapist.
During the Spring my feet started turning purple at night and were in a lot of pain, but only a few days a week.
Then a few weeks later I started noticing a rash on the back of my hands that looked and had the same type of pain feeling as the rashes around my eyes.
Alas then I figured out that it was only happening on the days I was going out to check the mail. The neuropathy was getting worse, and like with the hot and cold water the extremities were first to show signs.
It was from the sun, and would spread to the rest of my body throughout the year. I could feel the sun burning my skin within seconds of being in the sunlight, and my skin would be on fire and itchy all at night afterwards turning different shades.
Got so bad that I had to move my bed to the other side of the room, because the sun was coming through the tiny drawstring holes for the blinds and hurting me.
So while americans were arguing over the validity of Covid, if a mask was an invasion of their personal body autonomy rights (without making the connection to abortion rights and how they treat women), and whether to shut down the country with the rest of the world I was buying UV protected fishing gear to wear in the sun every time I left the house.
Not being able to leave the house unless no skin was showing was not fun, but the travel to the other side of ABQ to see family was getting harder by the end of the year.
The daily dizziness is happening more often, but the vertigo has worsened without the pills ever touching it.
The car rides were triggering for it especially, and would leave me out of it mentally feeling like my head was still spinning.
Every bump in the road I could feel in my neck ,and every time Tisha took a corner to sharp or fast the arthritis pinching on the nerves would send sharp pains into my neck, head, arms, and back.
I am using the can to walk all the time, and it will not help for much longer.
The pain in my lumbar is getting worse by the month with more and more muscles spasms, and it all mixes with the worsening arthritis and Covid long haulers muscle soreness.
In June I woke up and the pressure behind my left eye was suddenly gone, and I had a black eye. I figured that I must have had a blood clot back there from Covid and sinus infection.
But the damage to my vision was done.
Then in November while in a lot of pain I suddenly had to poop, and really badly; but I did not make it too the toilet in time.
I was not fast enough to get there in my condition, but I didn't have much warning either.
Shortly after that I urinated on myself a few times not making it to the toilet in time, and then defecated myself again with little warning.
I had about a 30 second warning for both my bladder and butt, and I was finally at that point the neurologist said doctors would worry about but they didn't.
I would not feel comfortable leaving the house, and would not feel comfortable being far from a bathroom.
Called the nurse practitioner for more appointments all year long, but those kept getting canceled on me. Even though she was Tisha's "doctor" too, and Tisha didn't have cancelling issues.
And because I am waiting on specialists and that therapist to talk to.
However, none were allowed to be booked because of the pandemic, and a year later several doctor’s offices tried to charge medicaid insurance for visits I never had and was not allowed to even schedule.
And I have still not seen a therapist for my PTSD from finding Tina’s dead body still.

Chapter 17 - 2021 AD

After a year of covid long haulers during a pandemic that I didn’t get to see my nurse practitioner I had a telephone call with her about my health in January 2021.
"I have had diarrhea all year that caused a hemorrhoid last week, and this face rash still hasn't gone away with all those medication cream refills. I think it is a heat rash?" I ask her.
“I think we have run our course, and I have done all I can do for you.” said the unprofessional nurse that did absolutely nothing for me.
She fired me over the phone.
Fuck this healthcare system!
So I had to find a new primary doctor and start over from the beginning.
The first place was nurse, "Can you hold still please."
"No. I can't." I told her looking at her curiously.
"I need you to hold your hand still." She said frustrated trying to put the heart monitor thing on my index finger.
"That is not me. That is the nerve damage and why I am here." Now I am the frustrated one.
Doctor comes in and does not do much, and takes the usual crappy notes.
I told them repeatedly since walking into the reception desk, meeting the nurse, and the doctor that I will refuse any pills and only utilize Cannabis for pain medicine and as all forms of medicine first.
So I go to the reception to check out and they make me go take a drug test for meth or heroin or something with the normal blood work every new doctor orders.
Even though I am now angry, and they are obviously not equipped with the intelligence to handle my case I did those things anyway.
Then I called to make my follow up appointment. Only to find out that this was his second office and won't be back for a few months.
I am in dire need of medical help right fucking now and I am in so much pain. Waiting months to even get them to take me seriously and to get specialists to look at me next will be even longer.
And I don't feel like I have that kind of time left.
Then I tried another office, and that is a stretch. It was a small shack on a major road in Albuquerque.
I went through all the same motions, but they do their own blood draw there and that is why I chose them.
The staff seemed more capable then the last, and seemed to be taking better notes.
They also understood I didn't want pain pills, and was looking for solutions.
I also purposely chose a Female Doctor, because I feel ladies are better listeners and more empathetic naturally.
It felt like a successful visit, and I was hopeful to get real help for a change.
Then i went in for the follow up, and it wasn't even my doctor. It was a nurse practitioner there instead.
She said she was concerned with my high blood pressure.
"What about my arthritis and neuropathy?" I asked her.
"I don't see anything in your file about that, but you should be worried about your blood pressure. I want to start you on." she was gonna carry on about diet and exercise when I can barely move on bad days and these pinched nerves in my neck happened while working out.
And nobody has addressed them successfully or at all.
Before the pandemic I had shots in the neck. The one for nerves, and then a separate time for arthritis. Neither helped.
"Nope, Fuck this place!" I interrupted her.
I grabbed my cane and hobbled out to the reception area, and called Tisha for a fast pick up.
Because I was afraid I was gonna get arrested for tearing up a Doctor's Office.
Then I stopped looking for a new doctor for a few months.
Good thing I have my podcast to keep me company, because Tisha doesn't think I know she is drinking again and hiding in her room in shame.
Not that I blame her after all she has been through helping her daughters, and being caught between the family drama aftermath of Tonya being disowned by me. We can choose family.
And the home felt like just a house now.
It was a sad house, and she was extra sad and hurt after the way Sara left and treated her friend of 40 years.
"You're the strong one." she slurred in my face when I was asking for help with things I am having a harder time with physically.
No way she remembers that moment.
I just want to be seen and heard.
Does anyone realize I am dying?
That I will be dead soon?
I can feel my Angel energy and this body will no longer hold it.
"Finish the book!" GOD reminded me many times.
GOD wants this done before I am dead and is commanding me to finish it.
Great now I think I must me surely dying before the end of the year.
What is GOD's hurry anyway?
But meanwhile the suicidal brain fog was making plans.
The walking was so difficult combined with dizzy spells were getting dangerous to walk.
Mom had bought me a wheelchair to help get around the house easier, and I was walking behind it as a walker at first. That helped out a lot as a walker until I had to use it as a wheelchair.
The first week I had it I used it using my legs and my upper body to move around the carpeted house, but after a week of that I had arthritis flare up, muscle spasms, and pinched nerves so bad that I was bedridden for a week after that.
Tisha had to make me food and I could barely bring the fork to my mouth that first night my arms were shaking so badly.
She sat in my bedroom to watch tv with me. Then my legs started twitching out of control as well and my arms started twitching and flailing about; and she finally got to see what only I have dealt with alone.
She would bring me coffee in the morning and check on me first thing every day for a few weeks till I was back to normal disabled.
But it was obvious that I was mostly on my own again.
And that is why I used it as a walker.
The overworking of the muscles inflamed my neck arthritis and would pinch my nerves more causing havoc with my neuropathy, and I had to be careful how I used my wheelchair and how often without help.
Tisha helps me get to the kitchen so I could make food when I asked, and when she was there available. She was working hard to provide a place for us to live, and on the other side of town as much as possible to help her family.
If no one could help me then I laid in bed getting worse.
I would lack the physical strength to make it to the kitchen for food, and that would kick in the hypoglycemia making me sick to the stomach, more tired, drained, dizzier, and extremely nauseous.
Making it harder to get out of bed at all to do anything let alone get food to put a stop to the cycle of suffering.
I felt like I was suffering alone, and the rest of my family need Tisha's help more than me.
But I would gladly give up my own life for this family.
And felt like I had to in order to set her free.
Maybe me dying was everyone's solutions?
Saturday, May 1st and in another week it is Mother’s Day.
My pain level is beyond a 10 again, but 10 is the highest medical number you are allowed to state to your Doctor; and people in 5 or 6 often say 9/10, because that is the most pain they have ever experienced and don’t know any better.
I am laying in bed plotting my own demise for when I am alone again on another holiday, and my bitterness blending with chronic pain and the depression from the Covid long haulers brain fog made things worse.
I dwelled in dark thoughts of suicide and the goodbye video I would leave behind, and how to protect the animals at the same time from my own destructive actions.
I was going to lash out and make a grand show of it. Only taking my only life, and that house with me.
And suddenly I feel my heart slow down and breathing becomes lethargic and heavy.
The light was going out in my room in the midday day and everything was going dark.
Then GOD appeared above my bed.
“Your mission is incomplete. You can come home now. You have toiled hard and long. I will end your suffering peacefully now, but your mission will be incomplete. Or you can stay and finish your mission, but your life is not your own to take. Your pain and suffering will be great. Your illnesses will grow worse if you decide to stay, but you will complete your mission.”
“The choice is yours.” GOD gave me.
As if GOD didn’t already know what I would choose.
“I promise you this my Angel. You will sleep when you are ready, and at the time of your choosing. You will come home peacefully in your sleep.”
So here I am fighting through the pain in every joint of my hands, wrists, elbows, shoulders, and neck to type this. Pain in my face and jaw.
The nerve pain in the fingertips. They feel like I stubbed my toe with every keystroke.
And my legs twitch in pain from the pinched nerves in my lumbar and arthritis in my spine, hips, knees, ankles, and really messed up feet.
Oh, I wrote that last line May 2022 and it is now June 2022, and now I no longer have pain in my lower back and spine. I can barely feel my legs and feet. I had an infection from a cat scratch on my leg getting worse, because I could not feel it and did not know it was there.
Holy Oil healed it in 2 days.
The lightning fire-like pain that has been shooting from my spine into my belly, into my right testicle, and down my right leg for the last 2 years is gone and I have not felt it the last month.
The dizziness is worse every day, and so is the vertigo. I almost fell out of the wheelchair yesterday head first into the bowl of the toilet. Thought I was about to drown in my own urine. It sounds funny and it is funny as fuck….
You should be laughing because Tisha and I did.
But it was a legitimate close call. Now back to 2021.
The arthritis in my neck pulsates through my neck, and my muscles give out so that I can not even hold up my own neck. I use a neck travel pillow most of the time to relieve the stress on those muscles, and to hold up the vertebrae from pinching worse.
It also reminds me not to turn my head from side to side making things worse.
I can feel it pop often in my neck and the severity of the pop and loudness in my skull usually warns me of pains to come.
The lower back is slipping making the pain in my back spread.
Which is from a stupid hold my beer moment showing off when I was all drunk for my friends at a San Diego Padres game.
I can feel the arthritis throughout my entire spine, ribs, and breast plate in my chest. The hands, fingers, knuckles, and wrists make it difficult to hold a small cup or pick up my laptop.
Wiping my own butt after going poop hurts my hands extremely.
I have had diarrhea for an entire year now, and that caused hemorrhoids for the last year too.
My muscles hurt and spasm a lot. I am always tired and feel weak. I have no energy. Not like I am used to or even did a year ago.
At that time in 2021 though I was on over a year of Covid-19 long haulers syndrome, and one of those side effects are suicidal thoughts with the brain fog and migraines.
I had already been dealing with migraines for the last several years before this, and had started to have them more under control.
At first they were mostly from jaw arthritis. Singing constantly, restaurant work, and always at conventions and events talking.
It started with a locked jaw in the right jaw and then months later the left jaw. Both run the risk of popping with every yawn and getting locked, and all the muscles in my neck start twitching & spasming down to my clavicle.
Then all my neck muscles just give up, and don't even want to hold up my head.
The my jaws start popping causing face pain and head pain.
The inflammation then causes an ear ache and dizziness.
The inflammation and pain then travel that short distance to my temporal lobe in the skull, and the migraine begins in the temple or temples of my skull.
The pressure throbs and pounds like a train going through a mountain tunnel that is my brain. Sometimes one and sometimes both.
Or they take turns and it migrates from side to side.
And I would get light and sound sensitive even without the pounding.
Now at the end I am always light and sound sensitive.
But that was just the jaw migraines.
I also get migraines from whatever the fuck is going on combined in my neck, and that actually gives me……
6 different types of migraines. I really had to think about that to make sure.
The full head pounding migraine. You feel like your head is going to explode from the inside, and like maybe I had a full head aneurysm. I know it is not a thing, but I am being descriptive you argumentative monkey fucks!
That also feels like my heartbeat in my skull, and I get hot and flushed in the face feeling feverish; but without a fever temperature and the body is not hot. Only the head and neck.
Then the other 4 migraines are very specifically located in the brain. 2 behind the eyes. The other 2 center top of the head on the right or left.
Those 4 I can feel the pinched nerve run through my skull and back to the pinched nerves in my neck. The slightest move when those vertebrae are arthritic inflamed causes lighting pain in those areas. The only thing I can do is not move an inch and cry in pain.
This is the very thing Doctors also say is impossible, and to take pills for but not one pill every stopped or helped that very thing.
Only surgery to stop the slow pinching of the nerves would have helped, but according to their scans and xrays I was not in their WORSE ENOUGH parameters yet.
And that last 6th migraine would make any normal human kill themselves to end the pain.
It is a pounding like a drum in the bass of the skull at the occipital lobe, and that pounding is from a heavy metal drummer on stage.
It has a rhythmic constant beating that radiates up into the back of my skull.
Like my spinal fluid is not being pumped through my spinal cord properly and is being pinched off by arthritic inflammation.
I can think or concentrate on my own name even when this happens. The world becomes blurry and my vision does too.
Laying down makes it worse and so does sitting straight up. I have a wedge pillow on the bed for this very reason. I lay as still as possible with tears running down my face and chest.
The pain is uncontrollable and not a pill or single shot has ever made it go away. There is no travel and no movement at all. I can only suck up the pain and let it pass.
Which can be as long as a full week. 7 full days of that, and I can barely eat.
But I have to eat because I have had hypoglycemia since I was a tiny child.
So I get violently ill, dizzy, a migraine in a very specific part of the head, violent stomach cramps, and then violent stomach convulsions until I throw up my own stomach acid.
And if not fed will black out and end up in the emergency room at the hospital again.
So that adds to the migraine making my health worse and making it harder to feed myself to hopefully get rid of any and all migraines.
But that cycle became an every day cycle with all new kinds of migraines thanks to Covid-19.
The brain fog and suicidal thought combined with what Tonya had done at christmas; and then that combined with the family leaving me alone to dog sit while sick during every single holiday since then drove me to suicide.
And they were about to do it for mother’s day again.
So I was working on a plan to kill myself on that holiday.
But GOD won’t allow that! And gave me a choice. That’s how Free Will works!
I chose to stay and start GOD’s only and last church as the Last Prophet of GOD.
I chose to continue being the word of GOD and proof of GOD’s Love.
I choose to be in pain and suffer.
I choose to hang on every day for you.
I choose to fight on behalf my black, latin, lgbtqia plus, women, men and everyone who needs to know that GOD exists and your suffering is not in vain.
I choose to stay a little longer to point out the hypocrisy of the hierarchies, dictatorships, corruptions, bigotries, systemic racism, and racist fucking white shit heads that a lot of seem to be related to me or I served as bartender.
I choose to be here for those who truly needed me, and chose to be in my life as well.
I choose the right side of history.
I choose the right side of voting.
I choose the right side of everything GOD holds dear and holy. Aka Free Will!
On July 4th, two years after Tina died of an opiate overdose, I chose to start GOD's church and declare Independence for Cannabis according to GOD's will and commandements to the world.
I had found a place on a social media platform where we could openly talk about our lives, heartaches, ailments, and spirituality without being judged for our Cannabis consumption.
We had over 100 people listening worldwide to the very first broadcast, and in many countries where it was very illegal according to their evil corrupt governments.
Finally I was doing GOD's work, but I always was and now just openly. Not in the Jesus closet anymore.
I would get offered to expand the church, and from dispensaries to use the name to sell.
But that is not why GOD had me start this church.
I got to help some amazing souls, but will never feel like it was enough.
I hope I left behind enough for those in need to find if there is a future.
There was even talk of building me a Hemp Church with Hempcrete, Hempwood, Hemp Insulations, and in a Cannabis community or a new town start up.
Leah was searching properties in many states, but that never came together.
People were reaching out to me worldwide to get married and have a Cannabis Wedding or renew their vows at a Cannabis Service.
Cannabis Wedding destination plans in Jamaica, and anywhere else I could travel it was legal.
And I was so excited to do those.
I would be the first to tell you a baptism is worthless propaganda, but I would have done that for anyone in need as well.
Whatever their churches denied them for whatever stupid reasons I would have done for them.
I would know when I had particularly good sermons, because strangers would send me money digitally. That was there form of tithing, and a thank you so I could buy more Sacred Sacrament.
I was already commanded by GOD not to collect regular tithing nor demand any form of tithing from my congregation.
Donations in any form of thanks was different, and I was very grateful for every small donation.
You may not have thought such a thing from me would happen, but that’s why I am GOD’s messenger and you are a hairless monkey licking their own assholes thinking they discovered space and time.
Then months later GOD came to me one night and showed me a bit of the past I had not known. Taking me back to that evil Kaysville house in that basement bedroom when it was Tonya’s.
GOD then showed me all the darkness absorbed from that entity, and revealing why she was never able to bear children.
I am not saying that GOD wouldn’t allow her to have children, and I am not saying that GOD makes Men or Women infertile either. Calm you overreacting and overthinking brains.
I have now had a lot of time to process what GOD was showing me that night.
The science part of my mind wants to debunk the entity, but what if science might have part of the answers too for that.
While in Utah for Sheldon’s funeral I got to stay in that house that our cousin Heather owns now, and I did not feel the entity or anything weird there.
The room I stayed in was the renovated box storage room where the evil lived.
Heather told me that when they bought it and renovated the downstairs that room and the bathroom had severe black mold. Which is toxic and deadly to humans.
Makes me wonder now.
Did all those years of sleeping in the room next to it as a growing teenager possibly compromise Tonya’s immune system?
Did sleeping down there start my immunal compromise too?
Then from there all kinds of health issues in the human body can develop.
Glad it was a clean place for Heather's family to grow up.
I got a beautiful adopted Niece and Nephew out of it, but the emotional trauma of trying to conceive was taxing on her and the financial struggle of using science to try and have children adds up fast.
The human body is so sensitive, and yet can do so much to heal itself.
She still holds all that other darkness inside though, and refuses to acknowledge the damage she has committed to her siblings and family.
For someone that thinks they are the smartest sibling still alive, and went to college for an English major she sure is stupid with her words.
And her actions are venomously filled with unchecked anger continuously fed by her Mommy and Daddy issues. Please get a therapist!
I wish I never would have given her that puppy and kept her for myself with Morpheus. When dogs pee on the floor out of fear of her that is not a good thing, and not funny.
Then the kids were telling me their favorite game is to scare the dogs, and that explained the change in their behavior over the last year of me dog watching them.
So I thought it would be a good learning lesson for the kids.
"You know dogs have feelings just like us, and can be traumatized too." I was explaining.
"I don't like the way you are talking to my kids." Tonya said.
So I shut up and left their house early that day, and I only went back to see Mom on that Mother's Day with Tina.
Turned a beautiful puppy into a nervous wreck. Poor Cordie!
Those dogs are Angels of GOD sent to help you!
"Forgive them. I command it." GOD commanded me.
"Fine they are forgiven!", but had not forgiven them yet truly in my heart and soul.
"Your pain and suffering will help your family." GOD
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I yell at Heaven with no answer.

Chapter 16 - 2022 AD

Sunday, March 20th and I am Live Streaming for the first time at Cannabis Church of GOD directly to YouTube.
I couldn't figure out how to set it up when I had the brain fog going, and gave up on live streaming for a while.
It has been an amazing experience, and I no idea how many people I would people be able to help from doing a church at Home; but I sure as fuck did.
Over the last year my knowledge of the plant had grown so much from the community, and I was completely shocked at how many other Cannabis Ministries there were in the States and Worldwide.
I was not the only Pot Pastor, Cannabis Clergy, Marijuana Minister, Ganja Guru out there, and so Tisha moved to Las Vegas so I could start doing Weed Weddings.
Yes in sin city, because that is funny to me and GOD gave me my sense of humor so fuck off!
Hold your judgement, because I am used to the way you christians think and talk.
I am not the one walking around with a small cross that was a Roman torture device around my neck or hanging them all over my walls.
Nor am I pretending that the real Jesus was white and that he would love guns and politics, and was not brown Hebrew man that preached against all that right wing white christian bullshit they try to pass off as "Christ like".
You are addicts to your christianity and other religions.
Addicted to your catch phrases "have you accepted Jesus?"
And which Jesus matters because only yours is right.
You dumb mother fuckers actually think that their is a St Peter up their with a checklist, like an identification checker at a bar or club, only allowing your type of christians into heaven and not the others types of christians; and definitely not anyone not christian.
Then you are addicted to bible quotes and miss use them more than Martin Luther King Jr. quotes.
I will never understand how christians run around quoting ancient dead Hebrew Rabbis and Prophets, and then commit hatred violent acts against Jewish people and cultures.
You all missed that part about worshipping golden calves and false idols over GOD!
You are cross worshippers.
You are bible worshippers.
You use your religion like a drug addiction.
And then become religion pushers.
Also no virgins waiting in heaven either Muslims.
No genitalia and no bodies.
No sex.
Religions and their weird beliefs?
No feast in Valhalla either.
No food.
No bodies.
How many friends have condemned me to hell on my deathbed if I do not accept their Jesus.
Pretty rude to say to anyone dying or alive and healthy.
You are not GOD's missionaries, and your religions have caused more harm and damage to humanity than it has helped. All of them, but Buddhism.
Drop the saving me act, because if you were that concerned about my soul than why did you wait till I was dying to tell me about your Christ?
Because you always knew I didn't need your religion to be a good person treating people good.
But now you are concerned?
Hard not to be insulted by that last gesture. Especially by people I was there for when they were abandoned by family and friend at their darkest times.
Like they never truly saw me, and definitely didn't hear me.
I had spent Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday trying to get everything set up properly to stream on all my different channels.
I was getting things ready for the new Pastor Wellness channel with live shows that would follow up church nicely each week continuing the theme.
Monday Motivation where I could use it like our after church sessions that would sometimes go for 8 hours into the late hours of the am.
Wednesday Wellness was going to highlight products and trusted companies that can help people with their health and wellbeing with Hemp and Cannabis.
Because I was too tired for long rooms on clubhouse and thought moving the after church part into two sections would be easier on my failing body.
I was feeling the flow and had great notes ready for my Sunday Sermon title "aPOTcalypse" talking about societies overreact to the sacred plant, and hinting to the upcoming apocalypse where GOD sends the Angels to destroy those with the mark of the beast on their heads.
But I could feel the pain in my lower back and apocalypse of my body is starting.
I was in so much pain after giving that sermon, but it felt good to give it anyway.
Monday, March 21st and I am in too much pain to even get out of bed.
Let alone do my first live stream of the new podcast. So instead I did a test recording on Clubhouse to see how it would be received by the people of Clubhouse.
But that pain built all week long.
All of a sudden I had new pains show up in my back I was not used to, and then my digestion got progressively worse that week.
I had noticed changes in my digestion back in January, and they were slowly changing month to month with how my stomach was reacting to food. I am here for the food.
My jaw arthritis is getting gradually worse, and it is getting harder to chew certain types of food throughout the year. Like I all the tasty stuff.
Wednesday, May 18th and I am suddenly craving fried ice cream, because I can not had it for many reasons.
“Oh now I get the joke!”, and I laugh out loud at GOD
Yesterday, I choked down my last little homemade potato dishes that have been keeping me alive.
I barely got it through my throat as my swallowing issues combined with inflammation has made solid food impossible to eat.
And swallowing even liquids is difficult.
I am on a liquid diet, because of that and grits are now the only thing I can get down my throat.
Even oatmeal was hard, and felt like sandpaper going down my throat.
Even water is getting more difficult to drink. Easy to choke when your neck muscles that swallow just stop working int the middle of swallowing water. Then some gets caught between there and my lungs choking me.
The last time I had ice cream just one bite hit my stomach like a ton of bricks causing crazy bad nausea. I had already stopped eating chips and things too crunchy for my throat. Or that might choke me.
So fried ice cream I can not have at all any more, and I get the joke and appreciate GOD’s menu suggestion even more now that day.
Because that was the last time I had one of my favorite desserts.
And GOD is good!
Monday, May 23rd and I tell Tisha it is time to call Mom, and tell her to come visit and say goodbye to her son.
I request her help, because otherwise Mom will just call me a liar again like my entire life. She didn’t believe me when I told her last year, and knew she would take it better from Tisha. I hate bringing Tisha into everything, but this family leaves me no other choice.
She did not help me and the day passed. I had more trouble breathing that night.
Tuesday, May 24th and I call Mom on my own. The call goes as expected.
She questions me several times about it, and yes I am sure. I lost the ability to eat solid food two weeks ago. I also had stomach digestive issues starting a few months ago, and all new pains started in the stomach and tailbone.
Told her that it was her Mother’s Day gift to wait and tell her till after that holiday. “You are welcome”, I seriously joked.
Then She told me she had to check with the Bradys, because they had their yearly I don’t give a flying fuck!!!
And she would dog sitting, formerly my job, for them; and house watching for them too.
And that the house sitting was the most important part.
She had to protect the house from home robberies by illegal immigrants even though that was not a problem in their area, any surrounding areas, or anywhere at all; because it is hyperbole from conservative right wing media that she believes more than the Book of Mormon and Bible.
So the house is more important than her dying son.
A made up political invasion is more important than her dying son.
And as usual all things Tonya are more important than any of her other children.
Or that is the way I have always felt, and observed over a lifetime.
Wednesday, May 25th and I am crying uncontrollably with joy and sadness all at once.
Alaina Huffman messaged me on instagram, and bought a plane ticket to Las Vegas to come see me on June 23rd. I am beyond myself surprised and filled with joy at reading those words. I have talked about our friendship often with respect, but honestly thought it was a one sided friendship and feeling.
She was more than an actress and celebrity. She really was my friend, and she was the first to give me a solid date of visiting. The rest are still trying to figure that out and telling me to hold on.
I was then filled with the sadness that someone I have met in person less than 10 times, and is more concerned for my health than lifetime friends, high school friends, 10 year or longer friends, and every so called friend in between.
She also dropped everything faster than my Mom, and that hurt deeply. My nieces were not coming, and I do not know if Tisha has even told them to yet. My cousins don’t care and just like to call me a lazy libtard, because they are back assward redneck right wing bigots and racists that actually think they are smart.
Jesus Christ, you are dumb fucks; and I held my tongue around you moron mormons and jack mormons my whole life. Go fuck yourselves all of you. Or at least 98% of you.
Monday, June 20th and it is 4 am in the morning. I just woke up with major back pain and a runny nose. Plus I think I have to urinate.
After painfully defecating and going pee I return to bed. I load a bowl of cannabis and smoke it. My neck has calmed down more now from yesterday, and I feel like I can finally lay down on my side instead of sleeping on my back using the back wedge pillow and neck pillow.
A few minutes later I hit with nausea and have to sit up. My stomach starts cramping, and I grab the creamy peanut butter next to my bed and slowly eat a spoon full. While washing it down with water, and trying not to drink too much water that would make me more nauseous. However, the peanut butter is getting more difficult to swallow too, and gets stuck back there like snot does and stops me from breathing.
I stopped breathing more times than I can keep track of last night, and I am exhausted. I could be asleep now, but my stomach woke me up again, and I have a duty to GOD to finish this book.
Stuart Mazzeo has been trying to figure out how to come from Phoenix to Las Vegas to say goodbye in person. He has been the greatest of friends. I have only asked him to thrive instead of survive, and to be the success I know he can be and to make me proud. That is all I have asked from everybody I love.
Thursday, June 23rd and Alaina came to visit. I cried and she held my hand.
And of course GOD shows me a few of her possible futures before the end. I hope for nothing but happiness in all forms for her. She truly sees me, and always has.
I have a feeling she is an Angel too and doesn’t know, and GOD would tell me or we knew each other in a past life or lives somewhere along the way.
Either way She is going to heaven, and that makes me happy for her. GOD always shows me the definite ascending souls versus the fuck off no entries because you weren’t good enough and were a bad little human in every dimension of every universe.
Saturday, June 25th 2022 and Mom drove back to California today.
She told me not to get up to hug her goodbye. She still doesn’t believe I am dying and this is our last goodbye.
So, I gave her a long hug. She will remember that hug. It was not my usual hug as I lack the strength to fully embrace people the way they remember.
Tisha, the dogs, and I walked Mom out to her car, and I reminded her I loved her again.
The hot sun is brutalizing me through my uv protection fishing hoodie, and I am starting to have convulsions. My eyebrows are twitching out of control and I am starting to lose control of my arms.
Tisha sees this and knows it is time to get me back inside, and we say our last “I love you.”
I am disappointed driving my electric wheelchair back to our apartment, and we take our seats in the living room to enjoy some television together. Then I ordered some Cannabis to be delivered since I ran out early this morning.
I ask Tisha what Mom was talking about with an email and a note for me?
I guess she stayed up late at night writing an email to Tisha with a note in it for me, and Tisha did not read it to me knowing it would upset me further killing me.
And then I refused to listen while I saw her reading it.
She was here from Monday to Saturday and couldn’t say anything to me. Nothing, but I love you 3 times, and mindless chit chat.
I have never been for mindless chit chat much and not on my fucking deathbed.
Yesterday, She was supposed to take tisha to lunch, but it was too hot and life gets in the way. That was their private time so Tisha could convince Mom that now is the time to say goodbye, and I won’t be here in August after the Brady’s get back from their mormon trek.
But once again that never happened, and Tisha turns on a movie to fill the air and break the tension.
And that only furthers my annoyance at the situation. She is really gonna regret this all, but it was her stubborn prideful human choice to make.
So I decided to let them watch their movie and Mom could pout like a child like usual. I got in my chair and started moving everything into my bedroom angrily. Told them to enjoy it without me. Tisha can tell I am about to pop, and as usual Sue is clueless as fuck.
I turn around and head back into the front room to confront and try to wake up Olive Sue Murdock. The life giver of an Angel.
The only way to get her attention is with loud anger. That is the only way she has ever sat still to listen to me, and I am 100% sure that has everything to do with the abuse from her step father after her Dad died.
And I hated what I knew I was about to do, but I already knew it would come to this. GOD already showed me.
So I unleashed most everything I have been wanting to say, and it all went completely unheard by her…… it felt like. She felt attacked and attacked back like usual. Got defensive from the start. Didn’t recognize a single analogy or hypocrisy.
And when she finally said she was proud of me for being a kind person it was like she didn’t really believe it. The whole thing was a waste of my time and breath.
During which I was shaking and having convulsions with my arms and head shaking out of control the more upset I got.
A few hours ago it felt like I almost just fell out of my body and died, and in this shaking moment it happens again. I am holding onto this body barely and she doesn’t even see it. I consider letting go now and dying in front of her on the spot.
But I did not, and did everything I could to get through to her. I do believe I failed, and followed GOD’s commands to not reveal my truest self to Mom. Which fucking sucks, but I know what happens every time I do that without permission.
That is all it will take is me letting go of this body. Peacefully. Gone. GOD has promised me and I am long overdue holding up this timeline for humanity's sake.
And it is getting harder to hold onto. GOD is patient.
And so my suffering continues and I hold on another day and maybe another night.
To finish GOD’s book. And GOD’s word. And GOD’s work.
Every day that passes I am less KC, and more my Heavenly being and truest self.
So Mom’s last words to me were, “So, I guess this is where I say ‘see you on the other side’.”
“See you on the other side.”, I repeated back to her and let go of her hand. She doesn’t think she will see me on the other side, and I am not sure if I will see her on the other side.
Not looking too good for her at this point, but there is still time for her to apologize to GOD.
I have already forgiven her, and slept the best I have in a long time last night. Not as much tossing and turning from side to side in pain.
But soon I will just fall asleep and leave this broken body behind.
And she missed any opportunity to genuinely say goodbye to her only son.
This is why I have always felt like a gift for Dad, and a curse for Mom.
Or how she made me feel most of my life……Even though I know she loves me.
She is just broken from her childhood, and husband’s death.
And this country doesn’t help the grieving or the broken.
Sunday, June 26th and all the planets in our solar system can be seen together lined up in the sky, and I will soon be dead. Returned home to GOD where I belong and am from.
I have tried to hold on until Tisha’s Birthday later in July, but I do not feel like that will happen.
I am long overdue in Heaven.
And held on longer than humanly possible for people to say goodbye and come to some sort of place to get closure.
It is not my fault that most didn’t take it.
GOD needs me home for all the things to come.
It would be kinda cool to be Batt and Alysia’s puppy and dog angel for a while, but I doubt it. Be a nice break on this planet and I know Batt would sneak me table scraps. However, GOD has plans for me like usual.
I was trying to hold on for Tisha’s birthday, because this shitty family never celebrates her and her birthday. She deserves to be celebrated!
But I am starting to think the best birthday gift I could give her would be my death, and release her from her obligations to GOD presently. I only have to let go, and will soon for her.
The planets in our solar system are aligned in the sky, and can all be seen with the naked eye. The portal home is wide open and Heaven is waiting for me. GOD has called me home long ago and this entire timeline is waiting for my death and these little humans have no idea.
I have stalled for as long as I can for them, and used my Divinity to stretch this existence out so that they can experience this world as is for as long as possible.
But GOD wants me home now, and I don’t want to be here anymore either with the idiot monkey humans.
I don’t want to be in a country or world that blatantly flag worships on July 4th while claiming independence for all; but still locks up Blacks & Browns for weed while Whites get richer off it legally, veterans are forced to take pills instead of natural plant medicine for their mental health, no free healthcare for all with eyes and teeth included, insurance denying the most basic needs for life to live, homeless across the richest country on the planet with corporations buying up empty homes to drive up the market price, big oil controlling politics and the fate of the climate, pollutants killing the ozone and ocean and planet, and the white supremacists are in every police force, military, politicians, clergy, and every governing system in the evil independent and free United States of America.
The new Babylon that GOD is waiting to destroy as the white right wing christians are the very evil the bible warned us about that would bring upon the riders of the apocalypse.
The four horsemen of the apocalypse are mounted and on their way.
The supreme court just overturned Roe vs Wade making abortions unsafe for Women in many states again, and GOD is angry at this clear intrusion on the Free Will of life givers.
Yesterday, Mom posted about me dying on facebook, and though the details of my health were not accurate it looks like she actually heard some of the things I said to her.
But in that post she tried to make an Anti-Abortion point by stating that She, in Idaho in 1973, was given the CHOICE to have an abortion and abort me.
And She CHOSE to stay pregnant risking both our lives.
GOD would have placed me in another family to bless them instead, because GOD breathes the breath of life and soul into them. After they leave the womb and are out of the vagina. You fucking idiots!
I was a previa placenta baby and She had to have a C-section.
They say we both almost died.
But GOD had plans.
And it was Olive Sue Murdock’s choice and she was given a choice because it was her body.
She was given a choice by my Dad to even get pregnant. He had to beg and beg to convince her to even try for one last baby.
The doctors warned her not to.
It was her body and her choice.
I know She will never understand her own hypocrisy in her own words, and none of the conservatives will.
Not even in the end when the Angels of Heaven escort them to wherever.
You have told all the words and commandments of GOD, but you choose to ignore them or change them to your own will.
But GOD’s will is all there will be in the end.
I was created and born from GOD’s will and will always be GOD’s Messenger.
I forgive you all, but it is not my forgiveness you should be seeking now with your messages and phone calls hoping I’ll absolve you of your sins against one of GOD’s oldest Angels.
Jim and Candice flew into town to say goodbye, and Jim has always had an open mind and open heart. So I gave him a big Cannabis and Hemp education, and lit the fire of Truth.
It was great seeing both of them, and catching up. They didn’t want to say goodbye, and nobody does. I understand how hard it can be, and I have had a lifetime of practice and preparation for this.
They left with the usual get better vibes, and talk later; and unless they make it into Heaven there is no later. I will die soon, and leave this failing body.
Steve and Camille came into town; and after they left I was exhausted. It was great to see them and say goodbye. Those are my other siblings, and I theirs.
That is why they anger me so damn much, because I expect better!
Because I love them so much!
But that visit showed me just how little energy I had left, and I need to conserve some for a few more visits. Especially for Ashlie and Ally.
Then Hoover and Hoovette came to say goodbye, and I cried for all of us. Robert wanted to reminisce and not get too emotional. Which was exactly what I needed out of that visit too.
Crying makes me more snotty than I already am and then I stop breathing or have a harder time breathing.
Oz and Jaime were supposed to surprise me, but they got Covid and now Chris is waiting for a negative test to come here and say goodbye in person. Sucks they got the virus, but my health is so sensitive right now Tisha should have known better to surprise me at all.
Hope he makes it in time. Would be good to see him one last time.
Ashlie, Braysen, and Brynlie will be here this weekend, and I have to try and keep my shit together in front of the kids. While saying goodbye in my own way, and getting the last bit of their love in this physical realm.
Physical Body! That’s why I love hugs, and give legendary hugs. The sense of touch is a powerful thing, and without a body that does not exist in Heaven.
That is why I daily bury my face in my kitty's tummy, and feel the softness of her fur on my face.
Tisha remains strong and refuses to show emotion. She looks so tired. Beyond her own health issues this is weighing on her. I can’t wait to die, and release her from her duties so that she can go travel and live her life.
This has to bring back memories of Dad’s death, and she knows that Mom will be next and on her watch of course.
It would be nice to spend her Birthday with her first, and let her know that I celebrate her birth and life. Though, she knows how much I love her and am grateful.
Tuesday, July 12th and I cried the hardest since I found my sister dead.
Ashlie just drove off with Braysen and Brynlie, and I waved goodbye with a smile on my face to make sure that was the last image for Braysen’s memory.
Then I turned my electric wheelchair, which was gifted by Eric Ogre a great friend, around on the sidewalk, and headed back to our apartment.
I didn’t turn all the way around before I lost full control, and uncontrollably loudly cried with tears flowing out of both eyes all the way back to our door. I had been holding all this in for two days now while they were here to say goodbye.
And be strong in front of the princess B and king B, and my first Niece Ash.
I had prayed for strength of emotions before they came.
For the last five days I had been waking up with incontinence pain & nausea between 3 and 4 am; and then I would throw up stomach acid. After that I would not be able to fall back asleep except that first night.
The first night I threw up in my garbage next to bed, and pooped my underwear at the same time a little. Then bounced off every doorway trying to drive the wheelchair with vertigo and vision issues in the early dark morning, and barely made it to the toilet in time.
Then I sneezed and everything went bad.
My insides went frozen from the middle of my body and instantly spread up and down throughout my entire body. I am wearing my thick big lebowski robe, and start shivering uncontrollably on the toilet like that night I lay in the bathroom on the floor with hyperthermia.
My head starts sweating, and running down my face and neck; but I am not hot or heated up at all and my head is cold like the rest of me.
I feel like my insides are shutting down even further than before, and I am shaking from head to toe.
But I still have to finish pooping and dealing with that pain.
When I am done I am so dizzy and so tired that I almost fall off the toilet still shaking. I catch myself on the sturdy wheelchair parked next to the toilet.
I fiddle with the toilet paper unsuccessfully getting any for a while, and finally find the edge to get some off the roll.
But I can barely lift a leg to even get back there and do the wiping.
And I contemplate calling for Tisha with what little energy I have and a scratchy weak voice.
After what seemed like 20 minutes I got cleaned up back there, and went to make the transfer to the wheelchair.
I braced myself on the surface in front of me, and after 3 tries I shaked up enough to stand most of the way up and fall into my wheelchair. Still shaking uncontrollably I hit every doorway harder on the way back into my room.
I crawl under my blanket, still wearing my robe, and curl up in a ball ready to die.
I was so exhausted I passed out fast, and slept hard for another 3 hours. 3 hours of continuous sleep is very rare for me now.
So I am tired and feel closer to death than ever, and hiding my emotions was hard from those sweet kids.
Luckily OZ flew in and hung out with us most of the day yesterday. That helped distract me, and we got to catch up while saying goodbye in adult code talking around children.
He is a long time friend and Brother, and I needed to say goodbye in person as much as he did. It was both hard and easy, because that is how close we are and go back to high school.
We have helped each other during our greatest times of need, and my family treated him like a son and his family the same to me.
Alyssa and Dylan are probably not gonna make it to see me before I die. I have tried to hold on, and I can eat less and less. Feel less and less in my lower body. The nausea is worse every day as I feel my energy fading, and body wasting away.
Kyle is coming to say goodbye next week, and I will release him from the documentary I asked him to make. It is stressing him out, and he is not listening to me and missing the entire point.
Nor does he understand the many truths of why GOD chose him to make the documentary, and how much it would help him with the many emotional and mental traumas he needs to heal.
But it will be good to see him and give him one last hug goodbye.
Comic-Con started yesterday and it is beyond weird not to be there with friends, but it is also just a reminder of the life I have lived, and the opportunities missed over the last decade.
I have had many project ideas and tried to work with lots of talented people over the years. Many of them are or were close friends.
They all thought I was asking them to do things for me, but I have rarely done that. I speak for GOD and I ask for GOD.
GOD shows me their possibilities in the multiverse, and how they can become the best versions of themselves; and then GOD gives me the paths and roads available to make the choices to make it all happen.
But humans always choose something different. Free will after all.
I am always more disappointed in them for not trying, and not believing in themselves. Not having faith in themselves, and not seeing the greatness that I see in them; and that GOD shows me in them.
That is more disappointing than the evil selfishness of humanity.
It is all by design the things I have asked of you, and I know it is hard to see the options and choices that will affect your entire future when you are in the moment; but you had to make the choice and then do the actual work.
Most of you chose not to.
Have you ever noticed how most everything I did, made, created, or ideas involved multiple people working together to make each other's dreams come true?
And with the shit show of life that is about to happen I wanted some of you to have a leg up in the world.
Like the people that should have made my convection app, band mates, production, branding, marketing, restaurant, and anything I touched I wanted to be successful for those around me. That connection unseen that unites everyone and all things.
That connection is GOD, and that is why I am here.
To confirm that connection and help people feel that connection.
Connection to each other.
Connection to yourselves.
Connection to the planet.
And above all connection to GOD.
July 26th it is Tisha’s Birthday and we are both bored as fuck right now.
They don't tell you how boring it is to die. It is a slow process waiting to never wake up again.
July 28th and Kyle has flown into Las Vegas to say goodbye. He is deathly allergic to cats and so I went to meet him at his hotel. The room was dark and depressing so I suggested we go down to fremont street that at least has overhead covering to protect me from the sun.
It was also a big test for me because loud sounds and bright lights really bother me now, and I am super sensitive to everything. Plus this could stress out my neck and I could stop breathing tonight and die.
But he is my Brother and I wanted to see him.
It was a great time and needed closure. He has been an important part of my life, and the longest band member that I have played with. I hope he makes the life he deserves.
July 30th and I am still drained from the trip to see Kyle, but I am rejuvenated at the same time, because my BROTHER BATT is here.
This is the hardest non blood borne family member to say goodbye to. He begged me not to die many times, and sometimes that’s what the dying needs to hear. Even though I know it’s too late.
He told me about the puppy his neighbor had that he was going to go home and get. General Waffles is so adorable.
I encouraged him to get him, because a few months ago Tiberius had come to me in a dream and told me he was going to be Batt’s dog and keep him company for me.
I told Batt whether he believed me or not, because truth and honesty.
We talked about all the amazing comic con adventures.
All the people that financially ruined me.
All the people that were shady and tried to steal from us.
All the people we loved and had so many great times with.
All the people we created with and for that was so much fun, but never made us money.
All the love we had for each other as Brothers. The brother I always wanted and finally got.
Alysia took Tisha out and had a girls day to give us alone time. It was necessary for sure, and Tisha needed the day out and away from me that didn’t involve her daughters. She doesn’t have a lot of female friends and she likes Alysia a lot.
Batt was the best creative person I ever worked with and bounced every idea off of. He is funnier than me, better at sales, and is so full of love and compassion for people that he gets taken advantage of often. Like people like that do.
I got him a job at skyloft just so I could train him myself, because I know Batt can be the best at anything he wants to do. I wanted to dump 20 years of restaurant knowledge of working with the shitty fucking public, you really do suck, on him.
Batt is one of the best humans I have ever met. He makes me almost believe that humanity is not a waste of time and a complete failed experiment.
GOD put us together to make each other better, and I know he made me better.
He is home and has General Waffles. I cried with happiness for them both.
August 9th and Mom shows up at the apartment to surprise Tisha and I. The dogs were also surprised and overly excited to see their grandma.
We were not ready for this and things have been extra stressful for Tisha lately with the girls. This will add to her stress for the next several days, but it is Mom and we love her and she is trying to get some better time in with me before I die.
I see that and she is trying more than last time. I appreciate that and applaud that growth.
August 10th and Jesse finally called. I was afraid he was gonna miss the chance as I feel new pain in my heart and new pains in my back that are most likely liver or kidney failure from lack of food. Good to hear from him and say goodbye.
The stomach pains are so bad with nausea that I have to have a small hit of Cannabis almost every hour. I throw up when I go too long with some Cannabis, and it is extremely painful.
However, I throw up nothing and sometimes just a little stomach acid, because I can not eat and there is nothing for my stomach to reject.
Only my Pastor Wellness Heavenly Tea seems to swallow with ease and not upset my stomach.
Jesse needed more than just an old friend and he purged all that was going on as we talked for 2 hours. My jaw hurt really bad by the end, but worth it as he needed a counselor, pastor, advisor, confidant, and a good listener.
August 12th and Mom will be coming by for a while before she goes back to California today. She has been holding it together pretty well, but doesn’t have to be strong for me. None of them do.
She likes to ask about Dad and other relative spirits that may be gathering to escort me to the other side. That is a human thing. You all get that because you need that for your transition.
I am an Angel and don’t. Confusing for you I know. It isn’t the same process for me.
Nor do I need the comfort.
Much of what you’ve heard about death is true. The light is the tunnel to Heaven and GOD.
If you see it go and take it. If you don’t see it then something else happens, and that’s not my job to tell you everything.
I have been more than ready to see my old friend death for a while now, and GOD is just waiting for me to finish this book.
I can feel my heart weakening, and it is in pain and stress to do the job of keeping me alive. It is a new pain I have been keeping track of and is only a matter of time.
I have pain in my back where none was before that feels like liver or kidney failure. Maybe both and that would be natural for the amount of food I can swallow and even digest.
The incontinence pain wakes me up every morning, even though I have very little feces from not eating, and it is a race to get a little peanut butter in me so I don’t throw up and make it to the toilet.
If I don’t smoke enough throughout the night when I wake up and roll over to the other side I tend to throw up in the mornings.
The convulsions and seizures in the neck are getting worse with more frequencies, and smoking Cannabis is the only thing that holds that at bay and keeps it calm.
Happened again yesterday while watching tv, and then all the muscles in my jaw and neck start twitching and my throat closed up and I couldn’t breath for about 10 to 15 seconds of fear.
Not because I am scared to die, but I just do not want to in front of Mom and Tish.
They don’t need to see that.
Bad enough Tisha will have to be the one to find me.
Mom will take her to the store tomorrow. Good thing because the last coconut oil that was delivered was the wrong stuff, and I wasted a bunch of weed and cbd hemp making more but it is not effective because it is extra virgin.
Cannabinoids, Terpenes and Flavonoids are crucial to health and healing, and the more variety you are feeding the body the better. The body knows what it needs and disregards the rest. Humans are all different and have different needs from the sacred plant medicine.
But the higher the fat content the better for absorption of the plant medicine into the oil or butter or whatever you are infusing.
Hemp oil is also the same viscosity as the human blood by grand design, because it was made for us. Olive oil is great for infusing and has been used since ancient times.
The Holy Oil that I make is simple and can help anyone and be made anywhere. I pray over every step of the process of making it, but that is just me. The finished product will help all life. The dogs and cats get it too.
Cold press it so that you get all the natural acidic elements from the plants. You lose those in heating it. You can do this by burying it in the ground to keep it cool or in the refrigerator for those fortunate to live with one and electricity. Pull it out and shake it up every few days.
Get a jar or leak proof container.
Use ⅔ hemp oil and ⅓ olive oil.
Grind up dried varieties of strains of Cannabis, CBD Hemp, and CBG Hemp for maximum Cannabinoids, Terpenes, Flavonoids potential infusion into Holy Oil. Use stems and as much of the plant as possible as it all holds sacred value. Add dried Moringa leaves too as it has many health and pain benefits.
Use equal parts Cannabis, CBD, CBG, and Moringa for best results and strongest Holy Oil.
The more you use the stronger it gets and more medicinal it becomes. Depending on your health or pain needs you may need a lot of products.
Let soak in oil for a full moon cycle or 30 days.
Strain and store. Use it in food, drink, or just take it orally. Use it topically on the skin for all kinds of things. The body will do the rest and knows what to take from the Holy Oil.
Mom surprised us the first week of August. She did not tell us she was coming, because she thought I would refuse my own Mother.
Sad that it has come to that in her mind. This is the relationship she has made it over a lifetime, and the reality of it is different than what her brain tells her it is.
She thinks she represents everything I hate, but I don't have hatred running through me.
She does vote the same as the people that hate me and that continuously threaten my life.
The people that hate immigrants.
The people that hate non-whites.
The people that hate LGBTQIA.
The people that hate equal voting rights.
The people that hate compassion.
The people that hate climate change.
The people that hate science.
The people that hate masks during a worldwide Covid causing pandemic.
The people that teach hatred to their children.
The people that hate me for being pure accepting love.
The people that hate this truth in this book.
I do not hate my Mother, but I love my Mother. I love her so much that I am beyond disappointed in her lifestyle and choices.
She does however put her pride and ego first. Pride in so many things before her children or that is how I always felt.
Her pride in religion harmed me physically from lack of food.
Her pride in cousins took precedence to my immediate family emotional needs.
Her pride in right wing conservative republicanism allowed the world to become what it is now.
As did her entire generation screw up this country blindly following the indoctrinated masses lead by white supremacy propaganda from political figures making money off classicism and keeping the poor poor, and the rich richer for things as the good old boys club.
But I love her.
Monday, August 15th and people are right about me being too stubborn to die.
Not for lack of wanting or trying.
I have begged GOD for death so much over the last month.
But alas I had to edit this fucking book.
June was so painful I could barely move, and I was not making it to the toilet in time regularly.
I throw up stomach acid now, and most of my soups upset my stomach giving me pain, hiccups, or making me throw it up immediately.
My legs, arms and muscles all over my body have severe muscle degeneration from the lack of nutrition, and it is even harder to stand and make the transfer to the wheelchair that Eric "Ogre" Richardson bought for me all on his own.
Because I never got the one I qualified for since I never seen a neurologist according to my paperwork.
That California doctor had retired and my files retired with him, and my New Mexico appointments were all cancelled never getting me to one.
Sure would have been nice to have that NATIONALIZED FREE HEALTHCARE FOR ALL with records following me.
Tisha's car broke down on the way back from Thanksgiving, and I have been in this apartment since mostly. I never got a new doctor or any help from a new state that I was hoping had better doctors.
There was no real point since I would have to start over with a new primary care physician.
They would give me the referrals I would need and would take months to get appointments with the current right wing I won't wear masks Covid denying Trump supporting idiots choking up the entire healthcare system.
It would take another year to even get to the point where I could get to the national wheelchair people through the system the way it is, and I knew I would be dead before 2022 ws over.
And here I am feeling like days or weeks from death.
Stuart is supposed to come watch the dogs and me while Tisha goes to Texas to watch the kiddos so that Ashlie can go train in Canada for her new job at the end of the month.
That seems like a stretch for me and so far away right now.
Nor is it fair of me to die on Stuart's visiting trip. Tisha and I were just talking about that, and how that would suck for him and everyone really.
Plus I will have a bunch of nerdy friends in town for a Star Trek convention I would like to say goodbye to in person the day he arrives in town to help.
But he would be here on September 3rd.
And that is the 10 year anniversary of GOD waking me up to serve.
My heart feels more painful daily.
My kidneys are more painful daily.
My stomach is more painful daily.
Death is not painful.
Living is painful.
Death is a release.
Death is my oldest friend.
For I have died thousands of human deaths.
Why does humanity cling to life so desperately, afraid of death, when they rarely truly lived?
I wish I could pour all my thoughts and life experiences into this book.
And all my sermons from church.
But I am running out of time.
Much like you and this planet are running out of time.
Stop trying to time travel or go to other dimensions, and explore the multiverse when you have an entire world you are not living in now. That only leads to your destructions further.
Time is not linear or a circle or a spiral or hexagon or layered, but are all in one.
That is why most of humanity truly never live. They are not present.
Not present in their own lives.
Not present in their own minds.
The past is where depression lives.
Where you dwell on past mistakes, contemplate regrets, and obsess over things long gone.
Taking you out of the present, and causing sickness in the body, mind, and soul.
The future is where anxiety lives.
Where you anxiously worry, stress, overthink, panic, and obsess about things to come.
Taking you out of the present, and causing sickness in the body, mind, and soul.
Then you miss all the wonderful little moments of life happening right in front of you that you can't get back.
And nobody is on their deathbed wishing they worked more or had more financial riches.
The only wealth in the end that matters is love.
Did you give and receive love?
Did you have loving thoughts?
Did you have loving words?
Did you have loving actions?
Positivity breeds positivity in that way, and can spread as fast as negativity.
You like to call it karma or the secret code to the universe or the golden rule or vibes and energy; but there is truth in that and you will see it work in your life, world and universe.
Knowing right from wrong, good from evil, and how to treat people decently has nothing to do with religions or some moral high ground either; and has everything to do with your soul and connection to GOD being a believer or not.
GOD loves atheists, because the are not committing evils in GOD's many humanity created names.
Your words and actions should be used compassionately in support of each other, the planet, and yourself; and that last part is so important to take care of yourself with kindness, compassion, and empathy directed to your own being.
That whole think with your heart and not your head motto.
Trust your heart.
Trust your gut.
Trust your instincts.
Trust your sixth sense.
Because you are your own best Guardian Angel.
That is what Deja Vu is and where it comes from.
Everything you are currently experiencing while living you have also already lived, and that is why you feel stuck in the matrix or in a fake reality often times and you feel like something is just a little off.
Because past, present, and future do not exist in Heaven.
There for you already know the decisions best suited for the life you want to live, and trusting your gut is listening to your Guardian Angel self.
So it is not just your ancestors talking to you and guiding you through life from beyond, but you are guiding yourselves as well.
Your inner god, goddess, gods as people like to think of it, and you should because it is your free will and power over yourself.
But humanity are not gods nor do they become gods.
Nor do Angels or other entities in the cosmos become gods.
Accepting the light and dark in yourselves is the way to find peaceful balance, yin/yang, and masculine/feminine/they energy; and will calm the chaotic nature of self discovery.
That is what inner child work and shadow work are great for.
Learning to listen to yourself in all its forms.
Then once you can listen to yourself.
Then you can learn to listen to others better.
Then you can listen to the world better.
And maybe listen to GOD.
Meanwhile Spooky Season and Halloween are coming soon. Yay!
And I have a busy fucking schedule of haunting you all.
Friday, August 26th and thank GOD I made it to today.
But disappointed I woke up the next day.
Ally and Dylan video called to say goodbye and let me see their babies one last time.
They are pregnant again, and I am expecting them to have twins as I have been expecting twins from Alyssa since she was a teenager. Not that anyone on the other side has told me so, but I have for some reason always felt she was gonna have twins. A boy and a girl, maybe?
Had a private moments with my Niece that I have been craving for far too long. I don't have a favorite, but her and I have always had a lot in common and gotten along very well.
So we can have that conversation about having boundaries set, and getting back to a healthy place after the fact. Like Tisha and I have always been able to do.
She knows I love her and I know she loves me. Family doesn't always have to agree or get along, and I would sacrifice my life for any of them.
I got to remind Dylan that he is my Nephew too, and not just because he married my Niece. That he will always be my Nephew, and I will be watching over him like the rest.
Told him that the most brave thing anyone can do, especially Men and any Military Veteran, is being emotionally open and vulnerable with the people they love the most.
It is hard to trust people with your feelings and heart, but bottling it up inside and keeping it to yourself is unhealthy and leads to poor mental health.
And I demanded he cry.
It was implied when I die, but I also meant often because it is healthy.
Like my favorite quote from basketball coach Jimmy V at the ESPY Awards before he died from cancer.
"To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cr, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special."
And I have lived my entire life like that before I ever heard him say it.
I love them and will enjoy watching over their family in whatever form they decide works best for them, because they are my family.
Then Tonya and josh drove Abby and Davey out to say goodbye. They are both teachers and had to leave after a long day of school, and drive out from California.
Davey and Abby caught me up on school and sports. They are both talented athletes on winning teams. Something I never was or was apart of growing up.
Got to give a little Uncle advice, but was cautious about what I said and kept it minimal. Because that has been an issue in the past.
I knew Davey was having a few issues, and wanted to let him know his Uncle had learning issues when I was younger, but worked through it and learned how I learn best.
When you have your own self expectations, and then the expectations of parents and all adults it is easy to give up on different subjects in school; and then other classes fall aside as well with the frustration.
I always felt like I was under the shadow of my Dad by Mom, Sisters, and all the relatives that idolized him for all hew was. Because he was all that, and we were never supposed to be the same person.
Their visist was too short and sweet, but also perfectly timed. As I did not want to the kids to see the worst of it that Tisha had been witnessing all day long.
I threw up right before they got here and vomited again right after they left. I have not been able to eat anything for days, and a single drop of water hitting my stomach causes violent painful episodes of puking. Which is only stomach acid and bile that burns the throat and closes the wind pipe for breathing sometimes.
The days and days of this in a row has done so much damage to my mouth, sinuses, and throat it is new level of pain on top of everything else. The stomach pains are constant and nausea has elevated to all new fuck of levels of horrible.
I am always dizzy and my muscles are thinner than my bones making standing even more difficult than it was before. I am so close to death, and hope I am days away from death unfortunately for Stuart sitting here with me to watch the dogs and say his goodbye.
Tonya and Josh may not fully comprehend the gratitude I hold for them bring the kids to say goodbye. The kids asked for it, and I never bothered to try. The idea of them coming with Grandma was quickly shot down. Plus busy summer schedules.
Josh came in with the kids, and looked so worn out I felt so bad for him. He was mostly silent as we talked, and I can't imagine how uncomfortable it was for him, and I appreciate that.
Tonya stayed outside the whole time in the car, and respected my boundaries. I was the most shocked by this, and it shows some growth that I hope continues.
I knew she would never swallow her pride to apologize for christmas and overstepping my boundaries when I almost died from Covid over her religious pride. Teachers and educator are the hardest people to teach and educate, and the assignments of self reflection, self accountability, and self ego checking, are deep shadow work that everyone should do.
Because repentance is not just an apology but changed behavior, and I do not accept apologies that are empty words. A true apology is changed behavior. Like waiting in the car.
Hopefully she does the homework, and learns from this lesson.
Thank You GOD, the one and only alpha and omega great and great creator of all things, for this life of service; and the option you gave me to complete my mission even though I kept beggining to come home and get away from these fucked up humans.
I get it all now, and i would suffer through it all a million lives in a row for my family. All is truly forgiven here.
Bring on the pain, suffering, and all of it. I am here for it presently, happily and humbly thankful you chose me for this assignment and extraordinary gift.
I hope they finally forgive themselves to receive your glory and forgiveness in Heaven dear Lord.
For they are just ignorant petulant children growing and learning how to become human.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, and they need to release themselves from all the suffering they have done to themselves and each other; and contue to do.
Changed behavior is the best from of apology that isnt the hypocrite lies of their pasts patterns to be present in each others lives and hopefully see the few family members again that made it to Heaven.
They know not what they do.
Thank You.
I hope my diagnosis gives Ally, Dylan, and Ellis better treatment options and a proper diagnosis for all of their health and more manageable lives in the future.
I would do anything for them again and again and again for all eternity.

Chapter 19 - The End

This is the end for me, but doesn’t have to be for you.
But chances are they are!
This is it. The point of no return and decision time for all of humanity.
The prophecy for this timeline of the multiverse.
I told you to free the Cannabis plant to empower and free the people to free and heal the planet, but all you see in me is a stoner.
Jokes on fucking you.
I know they will call me an anti-Christ, a false prophet, a cult leader, and make claims that I serve a non-existent satan, lucifer, bealsibub, morningstar etc. trying to blasphemy, slander, and sully my name; and in doing so they only show their blasphemy to GOD.
They will call me delusional, crazy, out of my mind, bonkers, insane, spacy KC, and say that I was not lucid because I was dying. Even though they wouldn't admit I was dying and sick with invisible immunal illnesses.
They will blame it on the alcohol, hard drugs, lifestyle, and definitely try to blame Cannabis calling it the devil's lettuce. Even though it is GOD's Gift to humanity and all GOD's creations!
And alcohol is a poison that our body rejects.
Our bodies store and keep Cannabis in our fat cells, because we need it for our Endocannabinoid System that GOD created us with.
While they support the living Anti-Christ Donald Trump, and set things further into motion towards the apocalyptic future GOD has revealed to me.
They will say I am a foul mouthed, cursing, swearing, obscene, using profanity, and vulgar; and that GOD would not approve.
But my words are not vulgar to GOD.
Homelessness is vulgar to GOD.
Poverty is vulgar to GOD.
War is vulgar to GOD.
Hoarding obscene wealth is vulgar to GOD.
Murder is vulgar to GOD.
Rape is vulgar to GOD.
Child molestors are vulgar to GOD.
Racists are vulgar to GOD.
Bigots are vulgar to GOD.
People that commit evils and take away the free will of others are vulgar to GOD.
People that do evil deeds in any name of GOD are the most vulgar.
Fortunately your young children and infants still have innocent souls, but will suffer from the coming events that humanity has already put into place.
A fetus is not a child and has no soul! According to GOD. And the youth are not fully corrupted by adults. Their forgiveness is easy and swift for most.
GOD gives children their first breath and only GOD can breathe the breath of life giving them souls. AFTER BIRTH!
Voting is an actionable DEED and those actions have been evil in deed.
Your ballets are not secret from GOD.
Voting to oppress others and take away their free will is a sin against GOD, and is only continued slavery in other forms.
No human shall own another human!
Nor claim controlling dominion over another human in any fashion.
Nothing is secret from GOD.
Donald Trump is the Anti-Christ mentioned in revelations in your bible, and those evil doers are marked already by GOD and judged for their final judgement.
Your secrets were not secret from me either.
GOD shows me all things and allows me to see through the souls of people I meet.
GOD shows me your sins.
GOD shows me your truth.
GOD also shows me your hope, love, light, possibilities, compassion, empathy, strength, heart, determination, resilience, kindness, and all the beautiful things that make humanity.
I have tried to show you the best of parts of you that you can be; and ignore the decisions of greed, envy, fear, hatred, racism, bigotry, and all the darkness that humanity feels about itself and forces on one another unnecessarily.
GOD has given you a world of abundance and connection. Connection to the planet, each other, the universe, and GOD.
Humanities greed creates scarcity when there is none. GOD is bountiful in all things and has provided this world with plenty.
GOD promised you riches. The richness of an Eternal Soul to live in Heaven with GOD.
GOD promised you wealth. The wealth of friends and family to be with Eternally with GOD in Heaven.
Your material things have no meaning and you place value where there is none, and abandon what is valued the most in the universe. GOD!
GOD gave you knowledge for math, science, discovery, and advancement; but wisdom is using it and using it wisely with compassion, empathy, and kindness.
Yes, Jesus Christ loves science and is most definitely not a scientologists.
However, GOD has shown me many visions of the End of this World.
The multiverse is not some movie of science fiction, but is a complicated web of time and space beyond your comprehension. But your movies are cute ha ha.
And don’t worry you are NOT important and don’t affect the multiverse.
And your choices do not cause butterfly effects that ripples throughout all of existence. I am that butterfly, and was here to give you options in life to thrive and grow.
Your free will choices have created the reality you live in, and have doomed the planet as well as your children.
Your choices do change your life, and the lives of everyone you meet in this world; and change the world itself, but here alone and not the multiverse.
You can still make different choices, but you probably won’t.
I am in Vegas and wonder what the over/under on humanities survival is?
And here alone you have lived free under GOD’s protection.
Unfortunately, for you Humans, I am one of those sources, and I have been trying to lay down the hints.
But you are blind ignorant specks of dust!
I would be the Scientist that every politician writes off as crazy before the apocalypse happens in your movies or more accurately a movie reference.
Like in the Marvel movie Avengers: End Game. I would be Cumberbatch. The Wizard. The one that saw all possible really really really fucked up futures of Earth and Humanity, and only ONE good outcome; and I am holding up the one finger and there is no Tony Stark.
And the one thing was Cannabis.
You are all supposed to be the hero in this situation.
Be the growers cultivating a better cleaner green world with Hemp and Cannabis.
OR The world will end 10 years after my death.
I don’t make the rules or the timeline.
You could have given me and everyone else actual healthcare and prevented the end of the world, but you dumb fuckers love your political arguments of ignorance and oppression.
Not just the Republicans, but they are the number one enemy of freedom, free will, and everything that GOD commands as Holy.
Like Free Will.
You christians have taken the Good Lord Jesus Christ’s name, changed his name from Yehoshua, changes his skin color & ethnicity, and made a false religion of blasphemy out of it while worship the cross that is the symbol of his torturous death.
Then tried to make him republican or democratic or libertarian or right or left??
When GOD is the way, and GOD created you to experience humanity and earth.
And the human experience sucks enormously.
Which is all because of humanity, and not GOD. There is no such thing as original sin. Just your choices and consequences.
GOD Mother came first to early humanity. Mesopotamia and other ancient civilizations, but humanity created war in her holy names.
And She will bring our Angels of Heaven to END your evil holy wars!
Then GOD sent the Great Brother Buddha to bring enlightenment and peace to humanity.
That worked for some, but they lost their way building elaborate gilded temples.
Until GOD came in human form, and as a man.
And think you are doing everything and what in his name?
Way to prove all the Angels right; and you are not doing it in his name or for his glory, but for your own glorification and evil pride.
The human experiment is almost at an end, and the experience for me sucked every time. Every life. Every version of every multiverse.
Love the planet and the experience, but not always the people. You people really do suck. You really do make everything harder than it has to be with your selfish prideful egotistical foolishness of me me me me me me me.
GOD has been sending Angels down in human form to experience this life since the dawn of humanity.
Most do not even know they are Angels and get to suffer at the hands of humanity like everyone else.
And humans like to make suffering.
Angels do not have genitalia or organs or a human body. So we love to come down for the food, the sex, the smells, the feel of the wind on our skin, and all the human things you take for granted daily.
I am very fond of the food.
No need for food in Heaven when you don't have physical bodies and are immortal.
Which is why so many are confused once they are here about their Pronouns, and if they are a he or her or he/her or he/they/them or her/they/them or they/them or androgynous or anything in between.
So if you are so cis straight and old school self righteous thinking you are too old to learn new pronouns that offend you?
It is because you are an average human and not an Angel.
You are dumber than cattle.
Let me stop you mormons right there too.
No, Joseph Smith was not an Angel. Not at all whatsoever.
I am Moroni and I was fucking there!
Let me stop you catholics and other christians right there too.
None of your saints, popes, priests, or other clerics were Angels either.
Most of them were deceived by dark entities, and served their own human greed filled agendas.
Let me stop you muslims and hindus as well. You are all wrong!
Okay, most weren’t right.
I have been here too times in too many names and too many lives, but whether I was a king or slave, man or woman etc…. not any form or stature in society I feel I have not changed the hearts of mankind.
You didn’t even listen to Buddha or God Mother when they came themselves, and you then didn’t listen to GOD when GOD became a man.
You didn't listen to me in all my many messenger forms either.
It is May 12 2022 right now and they finally revealed the very first images of that big Black Hole in the middle of the milky way galaxy. This is the sign I was waiting for.
“A great Black Hole will open up in the galaxy, and out of it will come mankind’s doom.”, GOD showed me one of the ends of the world. One of the many ends to Earth in the multiverse.
The lies of catholic church will be revealed. The truth about Jesus Christ the man, and his Wife and their bloodline will be revealed. There will be a great awakening against the fake religions of the world.
GOD only allows Buddhism, and Cannabis Church of GOD. The great Dalai Lama is the only other Holy person on the planet Earth right now other than me, KC.
GOD has condemned all these priests, pastors, and self proclaimed holy men/women/they and they shall suffer greatly for their betrayal against the name and word of GOD.
4 Years after my death.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise, yet it will, when the white supremacist and all the white people that don’t think they are racist start the next civil war. You shouldn’t need GOD’s prophet to see that and tell you that, but here I am and here we are.
8 Years after my death. Sometime around October 2030.
Leaving the USA and the rest of the World weakened for World War 3 and triggering the next sign.
For 2 Years HELL will be unleashed on Earth.
Mankind shall know what it is to be truly abandoned by the Lord GOD.
GOD will remove the protection of FREE WILL that you have taken for granted.
And World War III will trigger the invasion from Dark Entities of the Universe that have laid dormant waiting for that Black Hole. Like the Cthulhu that L. Ron Hubbard warned you about in his writings, and other great dark entities of chaos and destruction older than Earth.
Their existence here will affect gravity and the galaxy will be in chaos. Causing tidal waves, volcanoes, earthquakes, and all the apocalyptic shit you have read about in that edited fake ass bible you worship; and have seen in all the movies. BUT WORSE!
Yellowstone volcano will erupt destroying most of the United States and triggering the Pacific Rim causing massive devastation.
Deserts will become the ocean, and mountains will crumble into valleys.
Famine, suffering, and things I hope my family and friends die before having to see and try to survive. Few will survive.
Worm Holes will open in the skies as the protection of this world by GOD is gone.
You were not forsaken before, and will now know what that means.
10 Years after my death. Around the year 2034.
GOD, GOD Mother, and Buddha, THE HOLY TRINITY, will lead their host of Angels, my eternal family, from Heaven to cleanse the Earth of Evil; and bring final judgment down on children of earth.
For I am the herald of Heaven and the trumpets that will shake the Earth upon the arrival of your GOD.
The trillions of souls who have been left in-between existence on Earth will receive their final judgment to Ascend to their Rainbow Light Body over the Rainbow Bridge or be cast out into eternal darkness away from GOD.
Those who have not already had their deeds and a life measured and found worthy of GOD.
GOD will curse any mormon and/or temple that dares utter my Earthly name in an attempt to corrupt my Angelic Eternal Soul with their Dark Worshiping practices.
They are not and never were GOD’s chosen people, but Darkness surely did choose them and they spread it willingly.
Your christian baptisms in every religion are as worthless as your selfish prayers. Which is great news for all the Atheists and Agnostics for sure.
And God saith unto humanity.
“Angels have walked amongst you since the dawn of man, but humanity has treated them as lesser.
They were there to live as you are, and unaware of the angelic divinity. To experience all that the human experiment is. Unfortunately!
To enjoy the fruits of my labor, and live freely in a special world of my design exploring free will in life.
To eat and be merry. To feel and experience sorrow. To taste and smell and feel the wind. To see the colors of the sky and the beauty of nature. To hear the laughter of their Angel families on Earth. To smell the changing air throughout the seasons. To feel the warmth of an embrace. To experience the seasons of life. To know what death is for their Eternal Souls.
And to give you a chance to join them.”
Your baptism is a lie, and GOD never asked you to be baptized in Christ's name or baptized at all.
Meaning your mormon baptisms for the dead do nothing too. More of the lies fed to you by devils in human form for control.
One rinse in water isn't enough to absolve you of your sins against other humans and GOD.
This is the last testament of GOD. It doesn’t really go with your bible, because that isn’t right anyway, and you all don’t get metaphors for shit. That’s why you like to say, “the greatest trick the devil ever played was making you think he doesn’t exist.”
The “Devil” does not exist and never did. There are many devils in the darkness of the universe, and many that walk amongst humanity plain clothed and in plain sight. Some humans that act devilish, and some that do the work of dark forces.
That entire “story” was a beautiful metaphor about humanity turning their backs on GOD. There is no war in heaven, but we do keep the balance in the universe.
But dark entities do exist in many forms with malicious intentions.
They can manipulate and try to bend humanity to their will, but can never control.
“Only you can give them permission to take control of yourself and in doing so you have forsaken the word of GOD and me your GOD.” His words command.
And You don’t need Jesus. Jesus was the man. You need GOD.
GOD is the light and the word that keeps balance in the universe, and GOD’s word is all powerful.
GOD is the beginning and the end of all things.

Chapter 20

Message from Angel Messenger of GOD

I am the Trumpets of Heaven, The Herald of Heaven, and Messenger of GOD.
GOD is the Music of the Universe, Every Vibration, and the very words of existence.
I have been GOD’s voice and messenger since before the dawn of mankind.
I stood next to GOD and watched this world’s creation.
And have stood next to mankind for every generation in GOD’s name.
You have falsely built idols and worshiped in my many names instead of GOD.
You condemn yourself when you do that, but please stop.
NO Cults either!!
Nothing!
Stop it!
No Religions in my name or any past names. Nothing at all.
And stop giving me two names. One for a boy and another for a girl. I am only one Angel.
And I am the only Messenger Angel too. I know what you were thinking.
I am also a THEY. Like all angels are. Stop giving us your weird boy or girl only gender pronouns.
Please stop doing that! We do not have genitals at all. Stop making it gross and creepy.
I am but one of many Angels and not GOD or a GOD for that matter. Like at all.
You only damn yourselves!!!
The next time you see me I will be in my true form, and the apocalypse will be upon you as well as GOD’s final judgment.
I’ll be the Mother Fucking Angel sending some of you to your eternal damnation!
And saving those GOD judges worthy.
However, for those that read this entire book, and started doing some reincarnation and spiritual math. That means most of humanity are my children, and you are all my children in a physical and spiritual sense.
And now you know why I pushed you to find your truest self.
And why I am so fucking disappointed in so many of you.

Hugs and Kisses from:

Utu - Mesopotamian

Kakka - Mesopotamian

Nirah - Mesopotamian

Ilabrat - Assyrian

Isimud - Sumerian

Balder - Norse

Thoth - Egyptian

Iris & Hermes - Greek

Turms - Etruscan

Mercury - Roman

Agni - Hindu

Kukulkan - Mayan

Malakbel - Syrian

Tiki - Polynesian

Raja Indainda - Indonesia

Gou Mang/Ju Shou - Chinese

Shinshi - Japanese

Moroni - Mormons

KC - Last Form of the Messenger of GOD

May you be blessed with rich Cannabinoids, Terpenes, and Flavonoids for a well balanced and healthy Endocannabinoid System.

Sermons

"Cannabis Independence" July 4th 2021

This is the Down the Road Show podcast brought to you by Dark Nyte Studio. My buddy Batt is the owner of Dark Nyte Studios. He makes all of my graphics, all of my logos and he just started a T-shirt business. So if you're looking to rebrand your podcast or your whatever it is, you gotta hit 'em up at Dark Nyte Studios, darknytestudios.com. Or on his Instagram or any of his social media to get his help, getting all your merchandise going. Thank you very much, Brother Batt. We are recording live right now with the first cannabis room on the green room. This is a 24 7 pretty much radio station that started two weeks ago. It's the longest running room on Spotify's new green room app.

Thank you to the cannabis maker podcast. I love being in this space. They are sponsored by sister Effy and brother Jared at lost coast wellness. They help keep this space going for all of us to meet on a regular basis.

Welcome to Sunday service.

Where we preach the holy healing plant, God's gift to mother earth.

No judge, just all loved at cannabis church. Thank you for giving me that intro pretty much there. Ingrid in Norway. This is a worldwide community here at the first cannabis room on green room. So all are welcome. We are here to end the stigma of the devil's lettuce and connect. To better wellness personally, socially, and for the planet, whether you need connection to humanity or the universe, or the great creator of your choice and all of my atheist, brothers and sisters who have known me for decades know they're about to have a good time, or if you just need good vibes and meditate with love and light.

Come on down all preferred pronouns, or if you're still figuring that out all are welcomed with green grace in this safe space.

I'm your Cannabis Minister, KC. And I haven't had my hit yet, so I'm tripping over my tongue already. So let's pray.

Hello universe. You know me? Well, this is KC.

I'm calling out to you on behalf of all these people listening in right now, these are some good people, you know them well, please bless their sacrament today that it may heal pain. It will help their better wellness, get them in the proper mental health space so that they can practice patience with themselves so that they can go.

And spread their love and light into the world. Thank you for this holy plant Cannabis. We love you universe. Amen.

Now I'm going to partaking in some of my favorite smokeable sacrament today. It's time for you to partake in your favorite smokeable or edible sacrament of your choice.

Welcome to cannabis church.

Damn I actually needed that. It's amazing how much that just calms you immediately. Ah, thank you to our music director, Darrel Johnson for getting the plant love spirit vibe going in the room and much love to our choir director. Corey, who runs this space with the boys over at the maker can maker podcast, the cannabis maker podcast.

They do such great job, keeping the space open for us. Uh, I, and thank you, my Brother Batt. I am just blessed. To have you truly as a brother.

Thank you to my bud, Tim. Over at fair days foundation here in New Mexico for today's sacrament and patience and compassionate education advice to me as a medical needs patient for cannabis.

Uh, and, and, and come on. Let's let's just recognize here. Let's take two seconds. Let's just take two seconds here and recognize. We all just lived through a worldwide pandemic in 2020, like crazy. We've all been cooped up now. We're getting out, seeing people for the first time. I'm not gonna lie. I cried.

Tim shook my hand and thanked me on my way before I rolled out in my wheelchair, which is why my neck is killing me today. Cause it like, you know, roll myself hurts like crazy, but Denise was sleeping in the car, like a little angel. So we weren't about to wait, you know, I had to go in by myself, but you know, I, I didn't, I wasn't expecting that moment to be so emotional to be so spiritual.

I mean, you know, cannabis has always been a spiritual place for me. I shook another human's hand for the first time in like two years. How long has it been since you had a hug? Huh? Some human contact that connection. And that's why we're all here today is for that connection, that connection to the cannabis plant that connects us to ourselves, connects us to the universe, connects us to humanity, connects us to the planet.

So I just had a nice hit of some Eagle scout. Why I chose. When I was at church, that'll come later here, but today we celebrate independence day. Always makes me think of Bill Paxton and that great presidential speech of our time. I know it's just a movie, but independence day. Uh, it, it, it. It's a great movie.

And, uh, you know, there's lots of great presidential speeches and lots of great real presidents that have given many inspiring speeches. And independence is a word with many personal meetings to every individual human, not just in the United States of America, but across the whole world and the United States.

It's 4th of July. When the sun goes down, every state's gonna be celebrating in their style with localized fireworks. These shows celebrate this country's birth and independence of declaration from England, which is why we make the Brits, the bad guys in all of our Hollywood movies. That's just the way it is.

But the declaration of independence was written. On hemp paper, hemp is cannabis. People come on, our forefathers, made the sale and came over here to steal this land. But that's another sermon.

We have had a hundred years of prohibition against cannabis and hemp, a hundred years of treating it. Like it's a poison. We have now lost 14,000 years of ancestral information about the plant and how it helped this planet. That prohibition has only poisoned this planet, poisoned us and poisoned our society.

Look at the war on drugs has its racist roots right here in the United States, but not just that across the globe, calling it marijuana. Has been used as a slang and a slur against the cannabis community and society. And it's an easy scapegoat to fill the money making machine of private prisms with our brothers and sisters.

And that is huge part of American history and issues still to date, not, not yesterday today. They still don't have independence the way my white privilege affords me, took a long time to learn that. And that's not a political statement. That's a daily way of life for some of my favorite friends.

However, cannabis church is about championing the independence of cannabis. I'll say that again, the independence of cannabis, not just for the United States, but for all humanity global wide, the first cannabis room on green room has provided a safe space to have the uncomfortable conversations about our few petty differences.

But. All the wonderful things we have in common globally. We cultivate a culture of compassion by listening with patience, to the personal testimony of one another and sharing our own testimony about cannabis, our connection to the holy plant. It's a holy plant. It heals its connection to our ancestors its connection to mother earth, Gaia our home.

And for me personally, it helps me with my spiritual connection to the universe, my inner guardian angel. The God of my choosing the God of your choosing

cannabinoids or a road to wellness for all of us. And when I say all of us, I mean the animals too, on this planet, come on, the animals, I'm talking about the animals. We all have an Endocannabinoid system. That helps our health in ways. We are just barely learning about all the time. However, our doctors and scientists are handcuffed by lies and propaganda by prejudices against the holy plant cannabis, until we end the impression of all mankind worth words, like devil's lettuce, calling us stoners and potheads.

When really we're ministers doctors, lawyers, veterans that served this country that are homeless, that represent a huge number of our homeless population across the United States of America. And we talk about, Ooh, we're gonna help. 'em we're gonna help him, who who's doing, what? Right. Everybody's just talking, nobody's walking the walk.

Hmm. Yeah, I like, I, I, I love good intentions. The path to good intentions leads to hell, right? Google. How many times is in the Bible? It says good deeds. It's a lot. That's literally the answer. I'm you, you can do all your own looking on that. And this is not a place for Bible quotes where I'm gonna tell you where to find it.

That's not what this is about, but deed. I see deeds going on behind the scenes and live in the first cannabis room on green room. I see the deeds being performed now for these veterans, people doing things to help them now and make change. Now they're not waiting for the system. Cannabis. People cannot wait for the system.

We've been denied by the system for a hundred years. We are patients. Mothers father, sisters and brothers. Non-binary humans of all pronouns. That's who we are. We are nerds and cannabis. Well, that's our nerd thing. Like a great movie, our TV show, any of our favorite books that you could just read over and over and over, you know, you go to books for all you book nerd.

The stranded on an island question, we've all had that debate cannabis. Yes. That's my first choice, of course, but you know, for the entertainment to keep our minds active and our mental health, good, you know, what do we want with us on that stranded island? We've all had that debate. It's not a, it's not a getting high debate or getting drunk debate.

You know, that's a, that that's a debate. That's a philosophical debate for all time. But as far as entertainment goes, I go with star. See, I feel your brother, George. I feel you. I get the force. I feel that I feel that to my bones, star wars is a religious way of life for a whole community of my friends.

And it's always been a great place to return to a safe space, fall asleep to it. My favorite movies, I can quote the originals back and forth. It's it, it is kind of a religion to me. And when you embrace it, the philosophies of star wars and look at it deeply, it's very spiritual, like star Trek. It's a wonderful view of how society could be.

They were the first television to have a first interracial kiss. Nerd show that couldn't get funded until Luci ball that's right. A woman back in the day was the only one with the balls to put money behind star Trek. Yeah. We owe her, she was a legend icon and business mogul ahead of her time because, uh, like sister Andrea says she that got that.

I don't give a shit inside her and I'm just gonna get it. That we all need inside of us. But back to star wars, star wars was personal to me. It's one of the last movies I remember seeing in the movie theater with my dad before he died from cancer,

empire strikes back, came out right after he died of cancer. I didn't know we were gonna get a return of the Jedi trilogies. Weren't a huge thing. You y'all are spoiled. Now we got so many trilogies, 10 years of Marvel. We didn't have that kind of stuff. Growing up as a kid, we were lucky to get the entertainment we got.

We didn't have cell phones, entertainment, and we couldn't broadcast a live cannabis church through our phones, across the globe to people in need.

And that's what we are. We're people in need people that deserve that inalienable, right? To pursue happiness and health for themselves and family. That's not just an American, right? That's a right of all human beings. That's a human, right. We all deserve the independence to make those choices for ourselves, for our person and our family needs.

No survival. Right? Right. We're all just trying to survive on this planet, but is surviving enough. Shouldn't we be striving

as a planet, as a society, as individuals, as families striving, lying to us and telling us like, there's not enough resources on this plant. We all know that's a lie. Freedom and independence is a universal, right? We are all born with that. Right.

We had a wonderful session the other night with Jamie and Maggie. They pulled a couple cards for me. Jamie started off, I got the Armadillo card. Yeah, of course. I felt. I have a tendency to show the soft underbelly of the Armadillo to everyone. I meet, be there for everyone. Spread myself too thin. I'm disabled now.

I wasn't four years ago, five years ago, I was a fully able bodied person. I don't, I didn't even know what that meant. I didn't even know that sentence, man. Didn't know what was the thing? I was on the handicap wagon. You know, people use that word and disabled. I don't know what disabled means, you know? Old people are, are disabled.

I see old people walking around. I didn't really see old people or they're disabled now. I see it cuz I'm living it. And I gotta be careful with my time. I'm in so much pain right now, but I'm here for this for cannabis church, cuz this is important. So sometimes I gotta remember to ball up like that Armadillo and put up my boundaries like Jamie talks.

Practice patience with myself, patience with my health. See, that's been hard. That's been a hard, hard lesson and that's the lesson we all need with ourselves. How hard are we on ourselves? We're the first to criticize ourselves. You know, look, look at dysmorphia the way people see themselves in the mirror, it's it.

It's not their actual figure. I was 285 pounds. I get that. I was embarrassed. I was in Vegas with my boys, celebrating a marriage. We were going skydiving. I was so excited to go skydiving. They were all kind of scared and I'm like, hell yeah, we're going skydiving. I've been way to do this for years. Guess who couldn't go skydiving me too heavy.

Too heavy here comes all the jokes about how big of a breakfast I had, but I was too heavy and over the weight limit to go tandem. Now I asked all of them to sign a waiver to let me go tandem. But none of the skydive professionals wanted to take that risk. And I don't blame them. Guess who's still never been sky, but.

We gotta be honest with ourselves and compassionate with ourselves. If we're not compassionate with ourselves, how are we going to love ourselves and grow? And we, until we love ourselves, you know, we'll say, and we can't love others and we can't as a helper, we can't help others. And I, I, I see my friends spreading themselves too thins when they're the caretakers of their own children.

I see my sister, my caretaker spreading. He. Way too thin. It breaks my heart. We shouldn't have to do that on this planet. So yes, like the Armadillo. And I remember the first time I ever saw one driving through Texas man. Amazing little creatures. It's okay. It's okay to put people at arms length every now and protect yourself, protect that energy.

Protect your soul. Yeah. Practice patience with yourself. Like Jamie said. Mm. Preaching here, brother. Yeah. Jamie. Yes.

Maggie pulled me the Eagle card smoke, get some Eagle scout today. That was a boy scout. Never wanted to make it to Eagle scout, uh, for lots of reasons we can go into in other weeks. But I, I also have a funny sense of irony

and, but the Eagle, yes. Maggie. Yes. Maggie girl. Mmm. Love that session. These two are powerful. Intuitive there's an empathic, intuitive myself. Who's seen some shit. Let me tell you, I know gifts when I see it. And these two are gifted. So yes, if you want a card reading from them, you are blessed for that.

The Eagle flies high higher than other birds. I don't think flies higher than that is the.

The Eagles worshiped in societies, older than America across the globe. And it's America's national bird. Don't know if you've ever seen one. There's a great, there's a great spot in Utah. Just one of my favorite back roads to take, and it goes through an Eagle reserve. Nest giant, giant nest all over the trees.

And you know, if you're lucky you get to see them flying. It's a spiritual experience. I used to wake up at the top of the mountain when I was working at snow, basin it during the summer, we were help putting in the snow making system and get ready for the winter Olympics that were coming to Utah. Woo. I was best shape of my life.

You should have seen the dirt rolling off of me when I'd go home to shower. It was insane. But seeing the Eagles fly over me and the moose is coming up and communing with nature. Yeah, I would smoke a cannabis the entire time through work too. I was up there worshiping, worshiping, everything that's planted has given us.

God gave us seed. Seed grows, everything we need. Then they take those and turn those into medicines. You can't take a big Pharma pill and go plant a row of Ritalin. It don't work that way, or Prozac does not work that way. So that's what we're doing here in the first cannabis room on green room and what you're listening to on the down the road show podcast.

If you're catching this later on Spotify or wherever you prefer your podcasts, we're, we're, we're changing the way people see cannabis and talk about cannabis because it is a holy plant to us. I'm I, I. In and out of a wheelchair there's days I can stay there's days. I cannot there's days. I use it to walk behind for balance because I need the balance.

I was out of the holy plant for several weeks because of issues. But we, we, we ain't collecting, tying here, passing around no donation plate. That's not what I'm talking about.

I just proudly finished and uploaded to my YouTube. You know, yes. I'm gonna self promote the cost of cannabis, history of hemp. Now because of the title loan, I'm gonna speak about it on any platform. I can, you know why? Because I've already tried to pay to promote it. I can't pay to promote it. I can't do any kind of traditional marketing for.

The first documentary short film I've made of my entire life. That made me cry. When I got to the end

is how many business owners are going through that? They can't market their cannabis patients can't find cannabis because they can't search for cannabis because that's the way it is. It's looked down on. But yes, you're damn right. I'm proud. I put this up. Well, wow. Two months later than my intended release date, because I had entire months, I couldn't edit my hands hurt too much, too type, too.

Scroll migraines were too bad to look at my computer screen. And there was a two week period. I lost the left side of my. Couldn't use my arm. Couldn't pick up coffee. Couldn't feed myself. Well, not with that said, remember hand it anyway, but that side was so shaky. It was, I about stab myself in the eye. I tried to eat eggs a few times.

but that's how it is. That's my present. That's my reality. So I get to be proud of my hard work and get to talk about it in the first cannabis room on green room with my. Yeah, you heard me family. I don't take that word lightly. You asked my actual family

yeah. You asked my actual family.

So this week people, this week, I have one simple question for my cannabis congregation. What led you down the road to your cannabis connection? I'll go first, like always, and then we're gonna bring up some of my brothers and sisters and family to testify and give you their own testimonial of how they found cannabis, because that's why we're all here to hear each other's stories to connect.

To end the stigma lies in propaganda. That's been built for a hundred years around cannabis so that people can hear the truth. Cuz when they hear the truth, it's kind of hard to deny the truth.

So, I'm a survivor. This is not a sad. I'm a survivor and survivors know that I was molested by an older cousin when I was 13. It only happened once, but that's all it takes to give you the worst nightmares and anger management issues. Nobody deserves sleep was next to impossible until I found cannabis. When I turned. It still took a number of years and sometimes, yeah, I smoke an eighth a night just to go to sleep of that dirt weed, but you gotta take what you gotta get when you're living in the extremely illegal state of Utah in the early 1990s. And for the love of the great creator of your choice, the universe. Oh my God.

They just legalized it. Like, I didn't think Idaho was going to, but Utah legal, just quick round applause for Utah. They were the last, the last state in the union. I thought was you gonna legalize it? So like, yeah, I was surprised, but what did that do for me, man? It gave me intimacy problems throughout my dating life.

Sorry, all my exes. Now, now you. , it's not something you share still. Remember the first person I even told wasn't until I was 21 of my best friends. I remember exactly how it went down. I remember every single person I've ever told. And when, cuz it's not something people share, it's not something men share man up.

Right. Rub some dirt on it. Get over it. get over it. Oh. I'm not an angry and violent person, but yeah, the rage, the uncontrollable rage going to, trying to go to sleep at night. Whew. But. Help with cannabis and self work and self love and self realization and really diving deep into it. And, you know, talking to other people and reading books and checking out stuff, uh, you know, more online these days, it wasn't available back then, but just doing the hard work I could finally get to sleep without seeing that fucker's face before I went to sleep every night.

And yes. You're gonna hear some swearing in here because you know what? I get pissed sometimes like the veterans, if you're not fucking pissed about the veterans, I don't know what the hell your problem is. Then in January 5th, in 2001, I was on my way. two court driving, 45 miles an hour, not another soul on the road, not wearing my seatbelt to pay for a cannabis ticket.

Which was just a misdemeanor and the only time I've ever been busted and all my time smoked, like I got away with some, I got away with some close calls, you know, stories for another day. some fun stories or for, you know, after church for those sticking around on the first cannabis room on green room, cuz this is, this is live for all of you.

I am just so happy. You guys are live here with me like Mmm. Blessings, people love, you made the holy plant. Bless you all. This guy pulls out, not paying attention on his way to work. And I T-bone him right in driver's side door and break the windshield with my face. Uh, so that, that is the start of a lot of my health issues.

Now, today bruised my tailbone and it made driving and traveling long distances, difficult since day one. And has been ever since had a concussion for about seven months. Well, the doctor gave me, uh, B12 B B five, and some other vitamins that help with brain swelling. And he also gave me Prozac. Now I've never had Prozac before now.

I knew I'm ADHD. Anyone who knows me knows I'm ADHD always was as a kid. I'm. I am the quintessential text book definition of a child growing up in the eighties with ADHD. Undiagnosed of coast. Of course also had dyslexia. Well, I'm at my mom's and I can't be smoking at my mom's cuz you know, she's taking care of me after the accident.

And so I'm taking this Prozac and all of a sudden, man, I get the worst cotton mouth of my life, man, that Prozac is no joke, not a fan, but what it did to my brain. What's exactly what cannabis has always done for me. Now, I know the lazy go fall asleep, get the munchies definition of what people think cannabis smokers are.

That's not me. Listen to me, rambling and going now. It's my focus. Cannabis helps me focus. It calms down my brain. It gets me where I need to be so I can complete sentences so I can stay focused so I can clean the house so I can go to work. If you've ever known me, I've probably been on cannabis since I was 18.

Yes, mom. I was high in your church. That's the way it works. If I was your bartender or server for any of the restaurants worked at over 20. I was high on cannabis because it helped me focus to give you the service you needed. And you guys tipped accordingly. I've told a story in here in the first cannabis room on green room about the worst service I ever gave a table was the one.

And only time I went at my high, I like felt so bad. I told this one table only one table, but they weren't the only ones that got that. That bad of service, but I told one table because theirs was the worst. I'm like, please just don't even tip me. Like, I'm just, I'm I'm ashamed right now. And embarrassed.

Like, this is just, this is horrible. Please come back again and let me, they came back and I gave them the amazing service, but yeah. Did I ever go back to work on cannabis again? Hell no. I mean I not cannabis. Hell no. Hell no, but anyway. Six. So, uh, four years ago I stopped drinking. I could not have done that without cannabis and I needed to stop.

Oh man. I needed to stop drinking. Yes. Besides quitting smoke to cigarettes in 2004, that's one of the best health decisions I've made in my life. So, and I couldn't do it without cannabis that's for sure. And, and, and why, when it comes to at the end of the night, when all of a sudden my designated driver, this is before.

Before Lyft was ever a.

We used to take turns, being as friends and groups take turns, being the designated driver, which means no drink, or if it's the person you trust, you trust them with one drink, maybe two, depending on, you know, we're alcoholics. We don't make a good decision on alcohol. Come out. Every bad decision I've made in life has been on alcohol.

Every fight I've been in in my life has been because of alcohol. Every bar fight I've ever broken up, including a knife fight that I went to court for. On alcohol. I ain't breaking up cannabis users. Come on. everybody listening right now knows that man. Come on, flash those mic, you know, I'm ready.

So yeah. Stop drinking for my health. My health decline had to move in with my sister, Tina and San Diego. Thank God. She's a nurse actually understood what my body was going through. So compassionate, so sweet. Love her, miss her.

That's what today's service is about her, my sister, Tina,

the, the last time I saw her lines.

Yeah, I knew she was drinking.

Didn't know she was on the pills, but you know,

mental health these days, they just loved to shove pills down everybody's throat don't they mixed up a little alcohol. I just thought, you know, she was a shitty drunk. Yeah. I said. The night terrors, she would get who cops called. Yeah. Cops came one night. They thought she was being murdered reliving. When she was raped as a kid, every night,

she was slowing down on the drinking. I got her eating some of my CBD brownies that I make it home. Some cannabis love. She was actually slowing down on the drinking

cause she was also drink, not just drinking for the emotional, no mental pain, but the physical pain. She was in a lot of physical pain. She was overweight, working too hard at her job. The go to the, go to anesthesiologist at a very popular plastic surgery placed in San angle where anytime there was an emergency or the other nurses were having a hard time.

They called. Because she had no problem getting those tubes down the throat. No, always got the injections. Right. People wake up violent, swinging military vets out, coming out of surgery with, because of their PTSD come out, swinging violently, and she's gotta hold them down. That's her job. Whew. I can't imagine that.

So, so outspoken for free. He. Don't give a shit, call me a socialist Democrat or whatever you want. Our first responders deserve the free healthcare and all the cannabis. They can smoke for their, for what they're doing when they're showing up. When we're this, country's calling 9 1, 1, our cops deserve it.

The medics deserve it. The fire departments deserve it. The veterans deserve it. My sister deserved it. She shouldn't be dead. Right. She should begin. Hi with me listening to cannabis church, the first cannabis church,

she should be her be watching her brother soar like an Eagle.

She didn't have that freedom and that, right. Right.

Two years ago today, she went to her room. She'd had a mental health relapse cuz of stuff going on. Don't want to talk about that right now, obviously hard enough. And for a few weeks she'd been sneaking away some of the anesthesia medicine because you don't use it all and it's different per patient. So we're just slipping in her little nurse pocket and the place didn't know they weren't missing medicine.

Things had gotten that bad where the pills. And the alcohol weren't enough that she was doing what she knew as a professional and putting herself to sleep with a needle, not heroin, not street drugs, a professional nurse, a professional medicine that my dumb ass can't pronounce else.

Cannabis saved my life. I'm here today

because all the times I was alone in the last two years, since that damn right outside of our commitment, suicide, not for the mental pain, because I missed my sister because. After days of being paralyzed from the neck down where I couldn't text anyone for help, I couldn't call 9 1 1 for help. If I wanted to save my own life, if you've been to the emergency room, I have, they didn't do shit for what I'm going through.

They didn't do shit when I had COVID. They didn't do shit when I had COVID long haul syndrome. Thank God for that vaccine because woo. That brain fog was no. Go watch my video podcast and you'll watch me struggling through every single one of those. And now I'm in too much pain to continue my video podcast.

So here we are in a brand new format, doing it in an all brand new way because of the pain. Cause I have no choice. I'm literally laying here in bed. I gotta be the perfect angle, the perfect angle, not to put pressure on my spine, not to put pressure on my tailbone. Make sure my neck, isn't doing all the work, holding up my head, cuz it gets extremely tired.

Gotta be patient with myself and my body, my jaw arthritis tomorrow. I may not be able to chew food or swallow. This is fucking worth it to be here with my family at cannabis church. The first, not the last, the first cannabis church, a global C. Coming together for the holy plant God's gift to mother earth.

And that cannabis plant helped me with my mental health w family spread across the country. And they're celebrating at holidays together because I can't travel. I can't even make it across town to my niece's house anymore. Let alone stay there for longer than an hour. Family's over there right now. They just drove off.

To celebrate independence day together as a family, as they deserve. And that's what everyone here listening deserves independence, freedom, freedom of choice for the holy plant cannabis to use it for their pain, for their mental health, their physical health, their spiritual health, and Ugh, their emotional health.

Yeah. I said that last on purpose, their emotional. Because that drives all of us as emotional beings. We all know this is a temporary life. We're just riding around a rock around the sun in this little skin suit, the skin suit that is so fragile, but yet at the same time is miraculously has all kinds of built in mechanisms to heal itself that the cannabis plant, the only plant on the planet supplies that also heals the earth, the air and the water around it.

We have dietary needs and issues now because of a hundred years of cannabis prohibition, it used to be fed to our chickens in our live. It was everywhere, but because of the great money making machine of the paper industry and the gas industry and the steel industry, and a bunch of races that were upset that fucking Mexicans brought it up and decided, you know what, Hey, you could smoke this and get an even better mood and brought it into all the jazz clubs.

And I'll know, white girls are dancing with people of color and having fun and giggling and laughing and finding freedom. Oh, hell no, we can't allow that. So now a hundred years of prohibition. We don't have the freedom from our own pain. We don't have the freedom for our own health. Yeah, that's right.

Ingrid. We don't judge. We just love that's what the cannabis church is all about. Love, love of the plant. Love of ourself. This is about ourself society, the plant as a whole. This isn't about your bullshit. Love. Mm-hmm one love preached one love.

Love preach one love. So my cannabis congregation, oh, I got some of my favorite family up here. Who should I call on first sister, Andrea, please come up and testify.

Andrea: I got so caught up in what you were saying. I forgot what the question was.

KC: I will repeat the question with love. What led you down the road to your cannabis connection.

Andrea: Oh, okay. So that's right. Um, so like I grew up in the eighties too, and by the time I got to college in the nineties, like normal was a thing and I was in sort of a, well, what we thought back then was a woke sort of liberal type of education environment. Um, now we know different who it. Found it by, but anyway, so I thought I was being a rebel. I think even though I really didn't smoke Cannabis at this time, I was following and researching and reading normal and doing papers and stuff like that. So when I wanted to get a tattoo, my freshman year of college, I didn't wanna be like, everybody else can get a rose or whatever, blob, blah. So if you see a picture like where I'm showing my tattoo, that's on my chest and you zoom in real close, you might see a weed leaf back there. So that was my first encounter. Like, or just kind of getting into it.

KC: Amen.

Andrea: But I didn't, I didn't actually smoke until like my third year in college, which was when I left college was when the laws changed about financial aid. And I walked in the house with all my friends and was like, "Hey let me hit that." And I've been fed ever since.

KC: And because this is a worldwide community with maybe people listening for the time, tell everybody where you're calling from.

Andrea: I'm in Virginia. And,

KC: And what stigmas did you have to overcome to get your cannabis connection and, uh, to go, you know, just to help you overall there.

Andrea: So kind of like how Shirlfriend said earlier, she was like, I, I told, so was feeling what she said when she was like, yeah, I don't wanna do all that.

Cuz I'm just used to it's just too much. And so first of all, like the older you get and the more you like embrace yourself and care less, like you don't wanna do all that. You don't wanna work all that hard. You rather. Chill out and not have the stress then to deal with the stress. Cuz then by the time you get the meds, it's like, okay, now I've used it all in like five minutes, but it just used to be more readily available and not so much of a big deal, even though it wasn't legal.

I mean like literally when I say I walked in the house that day, when I found out financial aid was changing. I didn't, I didn't like freak out and panicking. Oh, what am I gonna do? Cuz stuff's just never been that serious to me, but I was overwhelmed and sad. I mean, any kind of, for autistic person, any kind of change of plans or shift can throw you off.

If you don't deal with yourself on that. Cuz we don't like change. That's how we get comfortable in normalizing society is by having schedules and systems and we know what to expect and we know how to play the game. So when I walked in, I dropped my backpack like on the floor, like at the front of the door when I first walked in and everybody looked at me and I probably looked like I was about to cry and there was like, I remember there being like a pile of weed on the table.

And I remember there like always being a pile. On the table around me, just with friends and family and just period, almost like until I started smoking, it didn't become like, you know, you can't hardly get none now. Right. But right. It just wasn't a big deal back then. And then it was like, by the time I went to college and didn't finish college and went to the army and got outta the army and like maybe a few more years, then it was like, okay, I, I need to deal with these other issues now that I have from being in the army and I'm not gonna take all these drugs, they trying to get me.

So let me go smoke. And, um, it just like, it's just hell and high water now to try to meet up with someone. And, you know, they say they're coming and they don't come. And God, you know, God bless them because they might be in jail. You don't wanna call too many times in case they are. It's just so much now.

And it didn't really used to be like that.

KC: Mm, Amen. Testifying. Ugh. Yeah, no, just ridiculous. And so everyone listening around the world and you're like, oh yeah, America's got freedom. No, it ain't, it ain't freedom. We do not have freedom. We do not have independence that we need for Cannabis. Let alone, you know, all the other issues, but yeah.

Uh, brother Damien, I see you. Oh, please come up and testify. What brought you down the road to your cannabis connection? And we can come back to you, my brother and anyone who comes up to testify. If you want to start with your pronoun, please do so. And always correct me. If I pronounce your name Brother Angelo, you wanna Flash your mic, if you wanna go.

Shirlfriend: Okay. See, you know, I'm always open to conversation.

KC: There we go Shirl!

Shirlfriend: I'm just listen. I'm just listening in. So for me, it's always been a, a spiritual journey. So part of having a relationship with someone you love is being able to connect intimately and to connect spiritually by, uh, sharing in this place, right.

You're able to open up to different places. So if you're a woman suffering from different pains, endometriosis, curvature of the uterus, all those various things that women may go through as they age, or even as their bodies mature. So it may make it difficult for them to actually enjoy intimacy with their other, whoever it may be just pain.

So having the ability to share this opens both up and it makes it a better opportunity, um, spiritually, so they can connect and show each other the love. So if it were not for the sticky icky, it would be very difficult for me to have the intimacy with anyone.

KC: Amen.

Shirlfriend: Amen. That's my Amen.

Andrea: Amen amen. Thank you for sharing that. Amen.

KC: Amen. Well, it also helped you, we gotta witness it. Help you connect even further with your daughter.

Shirlfriend: Oh yes. We went to another place on that level. That's just, um, that's the beginning. , that's a consequence of being able to get from the core. So it's so funny. My oldest daughter has always known that her mother.

Actually enjoyed, uh, you know, I like to finally call it the sticky, icky, but Cannabis or however you so term it,

KC: It's just, we got just like, we got nicknames for our love, our loved ones. Yeah.

Shirlfriend: It's the sticky icky for me. So she's always known, um, when she started her journey, me being the mom, I knew I was just open to her to have that conversation with me, but we were able to get there after the loss of my grandfather, I'm smoking and I'm passing it to her because I understand she's going through the same hurts and , it's gonna make us, uh, you know, get our minds to a place where it's a positive remembering his, his, uh, hard work, the work he did for our family, how he pulled us together and taught us the ethic of hard work.

So, you know, we're both in this place remembering a. My grandfather. So after that, , she's schooling me up. So definitely a journey on dealing with family and getting family to understand that it should not be looked at in a negative place at all, that it, it provides that healing that we need spiritually, mentally, and physically.

So if you can have that connection with family, making that clear, then please, please share that journey here with us in the first cannabis room on the green room. Pu Puff Pass.

KC: Amen. You are preaching to the choir here, but you ain't passing just yet because we all gotta witness you live. You know, you're talking about, uh, learning from your children, which is just why you're our mama bear and would love you so much.

Cause we all learn so much from you in this space daily. I know I don't speak for myself. Yeah. I see. Mike's fleshing agreeing with me and, and in that spirit, After after the wonderful guided meditation by Tranannabis, Jamie, the other night, you read woken your inner child. So Cannabis is helped you kind of get in touch with your inner self in a whole new way.

How's that? (slurred speech from throat issues)

Shirlfriend: Oh, a completely different release on a, on a spiritual journey, inward, unexpected. Uh, I, my add, I literally was able to pull in and look at myself when I had to been no more than three, had little yellow dress on. Oh, I was just a little cut to cutie, little yellow dress on a little yellow bow, and I could literally reach out and touch and remember who I was at that age.

Oh, my dreams have even been, uh, changed, are different. I can vividly remember. The mornings riding with my grandfather to the farm while he's looking over his tobacco crop, mind you being in that long chair cause we're back in the country now. So we didn't have the

KC: Remind, everyone where you call him from.

Shirlfriend: I am now in South Carolina, but I was raised in North Carolina. So I'm in Fort mill, South Carolina now, but spring hope North Carolina Nash county area was where my grandfather had his farm. But just that, that the awakening actually changed my dreams. I can vividly remember those moments with my grandfather, those long conversations when he'd be going off about what he had to do or what wasn't getting done and how he was being mistreated.

And I didn't understand everything that he was going through, but I felt it. As I began to grow older, listen to the stories. I began to have some, you know, a degree of understanding where I could ask those questions. I just wished I'd been old enough at that time to been able to do something, to change where it went.

So it's touched me while I'm, uh, I'm awake. and it's touched me in my dreams as well. Spiritual reckoning. Yes, darling. Grateful for the space. Learning a lot of different ways. When I talked to my daughter this morning and told her, we mom, you seem different. I'm like, yeah, are you?

No, it's not just that darling. I said, we've got a lot of work to do. I've got my big guarding bins outside. So she's gonna come up and help mama.

KC: Plant those seeds and sew that health.

Shirlfriend: There we go. Thank you.

KC: Now, now you can now, now give everyone a big, uh, some big love, and now you can say it.

Shirlfriend: You know, I am so grateful for this space to connect with all of my family. I really feel like you guys are walking in, sitting down and pulling up that chair to listen in, lean in, learn and grow together as a family because it's within family that you can drive those changes and really make a difference for the next generation.

Cuz as I wait for my grandbaby, that's what I'm thinking about. The next generation. All love Darling's puff, puff pass.

KC: Amen. Praise the holy plant! I'm. That's why we love. Oh man. It's just your, your voice is like a warm hug. And uh, like you said, uh, your, your grand, you felt like your grandma spirit was giving you a warm hug. The other night. We are blessed to have you as part of this community, all the love, all the love brother Jire. If, you better, you better correct me come correct. And correct me on that. Tell me about your road to Cannabis.

Jire: Hey man. Nah, you said it right. It's Jire. Um, I'm out here in the east coast of United States.

Um, so I'm actually in Connecticut. Uh, my first experience with cannabis was actually when I was in seventh grade, I, uh, you know, smoked a blunt and I really enjoyed. You know, I was able to be present. Um, cuz at the time I had a lot of, um, undo with, I had undiagnosed depression and anxiety as well as PTSD.

Um, and it really helped me come back into the moment. And I, I didn't, I, as a kid, I didn't really understand that just because I was told my entire life by people around me, that weed is we is bad. You know, he is not something that can help you. So I was very confused and I, um, you know, I continued, I steered away from it just due to that from a year young age.

Um, and as I entered high school, I, I began, um, you know, experiencing really bad depression and. You know, just isolating myself and, and I ended up abusing prescription pills. My choice of my drug of choice was Xanax. Um, as well as promethazine or lean quote unquote, what some young people call it. Um, and

I, I was lucky enough to be able to get out of that head space and understand to know that I don't deserve that. Um, and I equate me getting off those hard substances with the use of Cannabis and, you know, meditating and therapy and all of that. But I don't think I would be here today without without Cannabis, because there were, I was, um, you know, not..... I wasn't taking.

I wasn't doing healthy things. That's all. I mean, I was, I was taking a lot of pills and, and drinking a lot of lean. And it's just, if you know anything about those two things, it's not, it's not good for your body. And I was 14 at the time. So, you know, it's, it's not, , it's not best. So when I finally got into Cannabis, it was like, wow, this is something that makes me feel okay.

And it's not gonna kill me. Cause I was abusing those substances and I really never even considered it to guide my life until I really found the first cannabis room on green room. Um, because I was introduced to so many different people who are doing so many different things from around the world, like, you know, you, KC and Corey.

And I was like, you know, I can, I never really even imagined. Myself doing something with, with cannabis, cuz I was always told that, you know, it's, it was illegal and you know, I recently just got legal where I am Connecticut. So I mean, I was hell yeah. And I was thankfully, uh, I was thankful for this room that it was, you know, able to provide me more of an insight and gave me more of like a, a kinda like clear glasses kind of effect like, oh, I don't have to just be here.

I can do whatever. I there's so much more to this plant than just, you know, consuming it as much as I love consuming it for my own personal and, and medicinal reasons. And it's, it's great. It's just, it's, there's so much more to it than people think. Um, from at least from what I, my subjective experiences.

Um, so this space has definitely provided me with, with, you know, a safe space and a way to articulate certain things. I wouldn't be able to articulate in my normal life.

KC: Oh, amen. I feel that like, you know, being able to just talk openly about cannabis with y'all has been, uh, freeing in ways I wasn't expecting the last two weeks.

I've been here since day one, uh, came in and was just like, oh wow. And then never left. Well, I mean, I left periodically, but then the amount of time I was spending in this room just kept being more and more and more, uh, to the point where like, I gotta turn you guys off. Like you were kind of like a nighttime chat box floor even, but then, then Illi would join in from the Philippines and, uh, Gabby from Florida and they get crazy deep.

And I'm like, man, I love a good deep conversation. Y'all were talking sacred geometry and sacred numbers the other night. It was just like, oh man, like just, I can't go to sleep. Like I gotta turn you guys off. Just go to sleep. Because the conversations in this room are so diverse and keep coming back to Cannabis.

But, uh, you know, Just it's all over the place. If you're not spending, if you're not getting what's going on in the first cannabis room or green room it's cuz you haven't spent enough time in there to understand and listen because you know, we don't learn without listening. Otherwise we're just talking over each other and talking to each other.

Right. So, uh, flash your mic there. Angel, if you're ready, brother Damien. Oh, Angel. Yes, sister. Hmm. What better name? What better? Wonderful human to bring up to testify. Tell us about your road to Cannabis.

Angel: You know my experience with finding cannabis in the use of cannabis in my daily life. Um, it's nothing.

Miraculous, but it is so helpful for me, you know, my life without cannabis. Um, I mean it fine, fine dandy life. Um, I'm a generally happy person. Um, I'm, I'm a bit high strung. Um, takes me a lot to relax. Um, I didn't know that I was walking around with such tension and physical pain because I have an immensely high pain tolerance.

I didn't know that I was in pain walking around like. Working standing 18 hours a day. And like just pushing my body to extremes. I love to, you know, see how far I can bike, how fast I can climb, how long I can do X, Y, Z. And I just didn't know that I was actually hurting until like, I kind of needed something to like clear my head.

And then I really, really started turning to using THC and that, that was super helpful. And then I started incorporating CBD with it and to, to go from living just a fine life, but actually like being. Like having suppressed pain in your body to like being able to actually manage that pain, acknowledge it, you know, move forward from it, heal from it, listen to your body and slow down when you need to kind of thing.

And, and that's, that's really my biggest benefit from Cannabis. And, you know, my, my life is great without it. It is 10 times better with it and that's, I'll leave it at that.

KC: Hm Amen. Yes. Oh, the healing health of the plant plant power plant medicine. Hm. Yes. Yes. Beacon angel. Damn. I love you girl. That's truth.

That's look, I was just telling you all the story yesterday. It's one of the reasons I'm probably one of the reasons my back hurts so much today is because, like I told you guys yesterday with live here in the first cannabis room on green room and we were all chatting like. When I came back and how tired I was because I had to walk. It's a pretty, it, it's not a long haul, but long enough haul from the bedroom, which is on one end of the house all the way to the other end of the house, where the kitchen is. And so having for, you know, had not smoked anything and being out of CBD for a good several weeks, uh, other than, you know, my own concoctions at home, which doesn't isn't enough. People is not enough, you know, do your research, figure out what works best for your body. That's what Angel's talking about. This is a personal experience for every single one of us. We use it differently. We ingest it differently. We digest it differently. We consume it differently when we inhale it, we all act differently.

It's a personal journey. Cannabis is a journey. That's exactly what it is. Cannabis is a personal journey for all of us to figure out what works best and well, you know, it been a while and two hits worked really well. Praise the Holy Plant and yeah, I forgot. I was feeling so good. I was walking up and down that hallway without my wheelchair too many times I should know better.

And then that wiped me out and, uh, I had to push myself and using my arms. My neck is worse on my back is one of the reasons I'm PO suffering this morning. But flasher mic, if you wanna come up because brother Gil's in the house. Oh my goodness. Call from Israel. I love it. Uh, is Angelo there? Are you ready there?

Uh, Andrea, you still listening? You, you ready to go? Johnny Molly? What's up? Who wants to go? Who wants to come up and testify?

Andrea: Andrea and I went already. I can drop down so somebody else can come up. I see some of our peeps in the, um, and I can drop down.

KC: Yeah, let's make some room for some more family, much love much brother Gil.

Tell us about your road because it's a good story to Cannabis and how you're moving forward down that path.

Gil: Well, I'll share the beginning and the end, all the middle, you guys will have to follow up on a different, uh, show because otherwise I'll hug the stage for too long, uh, starting in professional brow back in.

Yeah. Yeah. Starting back in, you know, in 2000 or, uh, 1999, actually I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and lost 37 kilos of my weight. In about three months. I was hospitalized as in a military hospital and no medicine seemed to have had any positive impact on me. Basically, the doctors saw that I'm gonna die there.

One of the doctors, uh, uh, reserves, military doctor who came to, uh, serve once a week as a gastroenterologist at the hospital, took me aside and gave me five joints and told me, listen, try this. It might work. I had no clue, uh, about what to expect. I had no clue what it's, what it means. It might work. I just took the first joint and smoke it all and then took the second one and smoked until I got really, really, and I mean really high.

Whoever says that it didn't get high. On the first time they smoked didn't smoke enough or didn't smoke the right stuff. I was high as a kite, I was munched out of my mind and I didn't have any pain. And so for the first time I went to eat, I went to the kitchens there and I, and I knocked on the door because it was five 30.

And you know, the army they're very strict with the, with the hours. And it, it was like six 30 was dinner time. And five 30 was unacceptable. It's unheard of that. Somebody will be asking for food at this time. You know, even though it's a military hospital, Never mind that I kept on pushing and they said, well, it's the army.

What we know how to do is to give you some spread before. So they give me a loaf of bread and some chocolate spread and told me, enjoy this until we open, you know, the kitchens and, and, you know, service starts, um, a bit before the hour was done I was done with the entire loaf of bread and chocolate spread.

And I don't know how my face looked when I was pushing the door as the first soldier in to take food, but I was still hungry. So, I ate and I ate some more. And then I went to the, uh, the gastroenterologist telling him, Hey, it worked, I smoked like a joint and a half and I ate how's this supposed to work?

How long is this supposed to, you know, last and whatnot. And he goes like, well, first of all, if you ate so much smoke a bit more. Second, I'll feed you five of those small roll joints, three times a day while you're hospitalized here and three, please, please keep it between us. Okay. That, that seemed fair enough.

Obviously I forgot to mention, I did have, uh, in my same room, uh, of the military hospital, a guy that was, uh, at the same hospital, but he came from the military prison to get treated. So he was connected about 12 hours a day to a military police officer who for the other 12 hours a day, tied this guy to the bed and just stayed around the same room and within very, very close vicinity.

So, um, after bribing him with one joint a day to keep quiet, it went well.

KC: Uh, to be honest, it's a Cannabis world. It's not a Cannabis friendly world, man. You gotta do what you gotta do for your own health.

GIl: Yeah. Hey, I did what I had to do. And a week later I was, you know, home for the first time for the weekend, which was amazing, but I went to my GP and I told him, listen, um, you know, this military doctor, dude gave me some joints, some cannabis and it helps.

And my doctor, my GP goes and says like, you know, it's illegal, but I'm not opposing it. So if it helps all good for you Monday morning, I'm back at the army at the military hospital with a visit to my doctor. And I told him, listen, I spoke to my GP and he said that he doesn't oppose it. And you know that it's not legal, but he's not opposing it.

My, my military doctor. Two shades paler than the wall that was painted white a day earlier in his office, picked me up about a foot in the air and screamed to my face. I'm trying to save your life. Why are you trying to destroy mine?

KC: Oh my God.

Gil: I was dumb. I was young and naive. I had no idea and I didn't think of the implications of if my GP would've said something because this guy saved my life and was about to face an immediate, no questions asked 20 years jail time for providing me cannabis in the army.

KC: Ah!

Gil: So obviously I kept it a secret from that moment on. And uh, now that it's, uh, past the statute of limitations, I can share the story. Um, , , that's how. Onto cannabis for the very first time I have not had any prior experience myself. I had many friends who used it. I never found it, found it appealing earlier.

I grew up in a household that was very anti-drugs, you know, cannabis will lead to heroin and all that crap and very patriotic household. So, you know, you have to go and serve your country. So after I served my country in the military and was released for medical reasons, I continued to serve my country until I was, uh, released in the end, uh, with honors after completing my full service.

And, uh, this thing that, you know, this little thought that it can't be, I mean, the world cannot continue to exist in a way that this medicine helps me. And I'm a law abiding citizen. And it's against the law. So something must change. It's either I'm gonna die or the law is gonna change. So there you go.

That's what's gonna change. And I just started working at it and, and I applied for, uh, a license from an ministry of health and started working with the Greenleaf party who were the first guys to pick up the, the legalization thingy, you know, kind of movement. It wasn't even a thing back then and, uh, carried the medical cannabis and moved on.

And, and actually four years later, in 2004, I was the first licensee in Israel to receive his license without having to go through the courts. And, uh, this opened up the, the gates for many more patients to apply directly with the ministry of health, without the, the added costs of going to court and get licensed.

So I was patient number seven, licensed to use Cannabis in Israel, the first to have had. A, um, sort of a cooperative, uh, where I grew for, I cultivated and gave away cannabis for free for patients who needed it. So it was basically a compassion club that was approved by the ministry of health. And at that point, when we expanded this and, and some volunteers wanted to take on this cultivation thing and go make bigger farms, I decided that as a patient, I'm much more equipped and adequate in educating patients and family members and doctors and nurses and everybody about the cannabis and how it actually helps people rather than growing it because I'm a patient. And, and my focal point was that if it can help me, it can help others. And it. And so I took on the education, uh, front and I've been, uh, dealing with cannabis education ever since both on the personal level of a patient to patient and on a much bigger scale of building educational systems for cannabis companies, including all of the employees from C level down to the last employee and the cleaning lady, everybody needs to know how to answer people's questions.

Everybody needs to know how it all interacts together. And everybody needs to know that we're not miracle makers and we're not doctors. We're just people trying to help other people with whatever means are available to us. And sometimes we make mistakes and that's okay. As long as we carry it, as long as we are responsible enough and we are, um, admitting the mistake.

And are responsible for whatever implications it had. And a lot of the times those mistakes will I implicate people's lives. And you know, people are not, uh, in the tendency of forgetting if you, uh, failed them. But if you kind of told them from the get go, we might make mistakes together. I'm not gonna fail you.

I'm not, I'm not gonna lose you or leave you along the way. If we make a mistake, we fix it, but we're going through a journey. It's not one singular spot in which we met. And, and now I'm helping you. And from this moment on, I'm letting you free and, and ran, run your own business. If it's an education system, then it needs to include feedback loops and, and all of that.

So with that's where I came from and where I got to over the years was that, um, A lot of this industry is suffering from misunderstanding, not only of how cannabis works and how people can use it and how people can make the best benefits from it. And not only from the perspective of politics. And how do we explain to politicians that what they're doing is just wrong, both for themselves, their constituents and us as a general public, because of the way, even the ones that are supporting cannabis right now are doing it in very, very bad ways.

And, and, and the very bad operating matter, um, starting with calling it the medical marijuana act or marijuana act instead of Cannabis, but moving on from that, and, and to where I am today, I'm focusing on terpenes and how terpenes education and the research of terpenes can, can impact all of us because a lot of the patients, um, that I know.

Are suffering. And even though they're all looking for the THC and CBD ratios and, and different strains and different genetics and whatnot and different products in the end of the day, a lot of these products that cost them a fortune, don't give them the most benefits or the most value because it doesn't work for them, or it's not tasty, or it's not good for the pal or the side effects.

The perceived side effects are not the ones that they wanted to have. So basically it's a lesser, um, medicine that it should be. And I do believe that terpenes can change all that and the information about terpenes and knowing your terpene profiles and finding the right matches of profiles to, to you personally, because all Cannabis is personalized medicine.

Can be key to the future of, uh, personalized Cannabis medicine. And, uh, that's where I am, uh, right now doing a lot of research on the topic. Um, experimenting with little, uh, projects of, uh, products and, uh, sub profiles and, uh, collaborating with many other companies, uh, to produce their own formulations for them based on my knowledge and expertise and experience and all this time, focusing on patient education and cannabis education, both to those companies and to others, because we all need that.

And, and actually going in the first cannabis room on the green room. And before that, a bit on the rooms that were on clubhouse, uh, about a week or two earlier, I came up with this new thought that that became a new, uh, beginning of a new reality, which is that we need better information and we need access to this information in a way that can benefit all patients and all, uh, dispensaries and or pharmacies.

And I do believe that the key is, uh, large data sets of people with the feedback groups. Saying, listen, I am this type of person. Um, for example, a 34 year old Caucasian with diabetes type two from age of seven and, uh, uh, colitis that just started a year ago and I'm getting, uh, cannabis for my colitis and these strains when I tried them over, uh, the past month have actually gotten me to be very, very well with my colitis.

However, I also noticed from the questionnaire, because that's how the feedback loops work. They answer questions that actually my insulin intake has reduced by 30%. So this insight may lead to a recommendation to other patients who suffer also from diabetes type two and colitis and are. Males and Caucasian and around the same ages to try the same strains that he tried, that helped him and the wider, the data sets.

We have, the more accurate recommendations we can make in the end for patients and for the general population that wants to choose their journey and not just to smoke weed. I mean, in the beginning, in the old dark ages of cannabis, all we could get from the dealers was weed later on, it was sativa or indica and still weed today it's branded or labeled sativa and indica.

It's labeled the strain name and whatnot. It is somewhat regulated. And yet we are so far away from really knowing and really having insights as to what helps us. So I took that on as a new project that I'm promoting on top of the Terpene business, Cannaboost, that I have with the family. And I'm, uh, really hoping that, uh, this room, these people here that these wonderful souls around me will come and participate each with their own 2 cents to build this several, several dollar operation that will bring a lot of value for everybody.

And I'm Gil, I'm from Israel and I'm,

Jared: You know, I'm down Gil, just ask me and I'll be there,

KC: Brother. Jared is here from hum area. Mm that's Claris I have heard him come in. Yes. Whoa. You got the wifi working. You flying. Hi. Yes.

Well, I'm, I'm trying to keep, you know, this app is be talking in like little segments of 10 seconds. Gotcha.

KC: Well, that's why I didn't call you up to, uh, test of your wifi,

but Hey, yeah. Amen. Gil.

Jared: I was super busy this morning more.

I'm sorry, I couldn't make it earlier. It was killing me, but I will definitely be there next. So, um, and I'm glad every

fun people,

Shirlfriend: Jared darling, and we're not getting anything that you're saying, and we really do want it.

KC: So. But, and that's a great thing, you know, that's true. We're going to get him some better wifi and some better service out there because, uh, see, uh, yeah man, I almost didn't segue. Thank you, Gil brother Gil. Love you.

Yeah. Can't wait to get more to of your story, uh, on the full podcast later Down the Road. So yes, yes, yes, yes, brother. Thank you for coming up and testify him. Thank you brother. Jared's in the house now, everybody. Uh, he is the owner of lost coast wellness. They are the sponsors of the first cannabis room on green room.

That help kind of keep the ship running in the background. Uh, one of the amazing human beings, I am just blessed to have messed. Through here through conversation so that I never expected to come on just some social media app that, you know, made me laugh, cuz it's called green room and Spotify send it to me.

And I've been podcasting for 10 years. So I'm like, oh, well I'm my, my ass is downloading that, but he's got a wellness retreat coming up at the end of July. This is exactly what I'll be talking. I've been talking about all day and independence. Get your own independence. You need the independence to learn how to grow cannabis properly by professionals that I trust now that I've been on here so long.

To learn, what's gonna work best for your own proper health, because it's your personal journey of cannabis. That's, that's what this is. I keep talking about. This is your personal right? Your independent, right? Your human universal, independent, right. To have the freedom to get the knowledge because knowledge, freedom, right?

Education is freedom to learn how to get cannabis. We need properly make it ourselves properly, grow it ourselves properly. So we know exactly what we're putting in our body, because I know with my fucked up health, I need to know what's going in me at all times. I just can't deal with some processed food and no dairy, no, uh, gluten, you know, uh, Andrea knows what I'm talking about.

She's always preaching about that, but flash your mic if you are ready to come up next. Oh, oh brother Damian.

Damian: Hey KC. Everybody.

KC: I'm not even gonna introduce you, introduce you and tell everybody where you're calling from and you just go down that road.

Damian: So I'm gonna try something first. If you haven't try refreshing your screen and you should see the starting point of my story or where we're gonna start today.

I don't know if my avatar, if I don't know if PRT is a thing or PTR is a thing, but I think.

Shirlfriend: Yes, you're in pink in one or white in the other. Yeah. So nice.

Damian: My name is Damian legacy. I'm coming live from Eastford Vermont on the Connecticut river, between Vermont and New Hampshire and the United States. It's one 30 in the afternoon and, um, we're talking cannabis in church, so that's pretty much my story. (laughs)

um, I. Started, uh, my life, um, in a family where, uh, expectations of what you were to be were strong, uh, and just certain, there, there, there was a right way to go about life and a wrong way to go about life. And the, um, cannabis was always included in the wrong way to go about life. When I was growing up and a lot of the male bodied members of my family, uh, who were my generation, went to be become police officers.

I have many. cousins who are still active law enforcement officers. And, um, my undergraduate degree was in criminal justice, uh, to follow, follow the family line. Right. Um, but policing just wasn't for me, it wasn, I just, in my bones, I knew that it wasn't what I was supposed to do. Uh, and so to get out of going into the police academy, I went into a different academy altogether.

Uh, I pursued seminary. I was, uh, ordained a deacon at 20, uh, and spent a year, my diet, my transitional diaconate, uh, as. Critical care and hospice chaplain at a specialty hospital in Washington, DC. Um, my secular traits throughout studying I was a paramedic. And so I was very familiar with the fire service and public safety and all that stuff.

And so after the hospice chaplaincy and my diagonal year ended, uh, and I was ordained to the priesthood, um, I was assigned to, uh, be a fire chaplain. Because I understood the culture I understood, right? Like, and I could be of service, right. If, if really there needed to be. And there was one occasion where there wasn't an EMT in the house, but the, uh, we got an ambulance call and, and I was there and being a fully trained emergency medical technician and, uh, being fully certified, I responded to the call, but I had forgotten that I was in my clerical collar.

So, uh, the gentleman was like, oh my God, this on a breeze, this must be real bad. And I was like, well, it's not as bad as you think I'm here to help on both, you know, both fronts. But, um, I ended up, uh, at one point having seven firehouses under my care, um, across three counties in Southern Maryland, uh, he created an extensive network of.

Chaplaincy and citizen support for the fire and paramedic and EMS services, uh, in those counties. And, um, through that, I guess got noticed by, well, somebody in the church, uh, and was the youngest person to be consecrated a Bishop, uh, and given jurisdictional authority over a geographic area. Um, and so my service in the fire and EMS ended, uh, because I had a lot more responsibilities, uh, as it were, um, being, you know, not just a father at that point, but, but now a father, two fathers, you know, priests, two priests, um, I was north of 300 pounds.

Right. I stopped getting on the scale. I think everybody can relate, you know, to, to that in some way. Right? Like I can say with confidence, I was 300 pounds because that's when I stopped weighing myself. Um, so it could have been more than that. Um, and the identity stripped me of my individuality. Not only did I not know who I was, it didn't matter.

I was just the Bishop.

And when I looked in the mirror, that's all I could see. I had no idea who I was looking at, who was looking back at me. How could it be the same person? The experiences of, you know, body dysmorphia is not just for people who are transitioning or, or who are transgendered. It, it happens when you fluctuate weight,

um, traditional therapies and pharmaceuticals and pastoral counseling. And the way that I was supposed to go about things was killing me, was on the wrong medicine. It was adding weight. I was drowning in depression and fat and, and just

the, just so utterly alone,

KC: you aren't alone with this family.

Damian: It was the end of the rope that made me. Finally put aside everything that I had ever been taught, because there was a person who said, Hey, I, I, I know what you are feeling. And this is how I overcame it.

It's worth a try.

And so it was a little bit later that I was at a friend's birthday party actually, where I, I wasn't, you know, uh, when I, at that time in my life, when I was in a room, people were watching. Right. Um, And so there was no sneaking away to go take a puff of something right. So choices had to be made and it was a very informal environment.

It was a very, I, I was free to not be in the spotlight and, and to

trust the experience of the person that I listened to. And, um, the opportunity had presented itself to try Cannabis. And I did, and I never looked back because what cannabis did for me sort of as a patient testimonial is it did help me fight my depression. And I had severe depression and PTSD from 10 years in the fire service.

Cannabis allowed me to feel like I could at first sort my thoughts not get anxious or cause myself to panic in my own head. Um, and then it slowly led to other wellness decisions. Well, if I'm intentional about this as medicine, if this is helping me in this way, what else can I be intentional about? You know, I was still gaining weight early on, so, you know, oh yeah.

The munchies, well, no, you were eating before you were smoking. I was so make a different choice. So instead of potato chips, I chopped up cucumbers. They were crunchy. They were full of water. They attacked my cottonmouth. I got to eat when I had the munchies, right. I didn't deny myself that experience, but it was a wellness choice.

I'm 125 pounds down. I'm back to a healthy, stable weight. I've left the city and mainstream religion that held me down. I live on a farm, an open farm in, in beautiful Vermont, where we have a hand in all of the food we eat. The air is fresh.

There's no noise. There's no light pollution. Cannabis did that. Cannabis inspired one choice, which inspires another choice, which inspires another choice.

By all accounts. I was at the top of my field, right there. There there's no rank higher for lack of a better. And yet I was so .....just

desolate, isn't even the right word.

And I think the picture that I chose for cannabis church today, I think it, it, I kept it for a reason and it's because I'm not smiling.

I look at this picture and see the beginning of the darkest time in my life.

Not because I found the faith or the religion, oppressive faith is still very much a part of my life, but cannabis helped me understand that. I'm the one telling my story. I'm the one in. It's not gonna just happen.

Having faith is a good thing. It means that you believe in tomorrow, cannabis helped me believe in a different tomorrow. One where I was healthy and happy in control of my life. One where I recognize myself in the mirror.

One that helped me find a way to incorporate healthy ritual practices

and to heal. This is the first time I've ever shown up in a cannabis space, intentionally sharing a picture of my past as a cleric,

But it is a part of my story. It's a part of how I got.

And if this is church, then alls I can do is say that I am so grateful for it. God gave God take away blessed be God, because when he took away, what I thought was what was going to be the rest of my life. He gave me a whole new adventure, a whole new story, a whole new just community of, of dreamers and doers and educators and people who get it.

People who have their own stories and their own healing.

So KC, Corey, Jared, Hoisten. Thanks for holding the space. The first cannabis room and the green room. Cannabis makers podcast down the road show podcast.

This can a church, right? These communities of take it from somebody who spent a lot of time in the pews.

People in the churches typically are praying for themselves and their own needs have never felt more support than being around you all. And that's why I'm comfortable sharing my story here.

So I'm just grateful for this fellowship, for this communion, for this moment together, cuz this is the sacrament, right? The fellowship that says you're not alone. That's what this is about. And I can't think of anything stronger than cannabis to facilitate relationship, to facilitate community, to facilitate help and strength and vulnerability.

That's me. That's my story. And cannabis has allowed me to say, I'm proud to tell it.

My name's Damian and I'm just so grateful for all of you.

(Silence)

KC: Oh, I'm just gonna let that sink in for everybody for a second.

Gil: Oh, I don't know about, you can see that. I don't think there's a dry eye in the, in the room right now. Cause. Damian you're touching man. And just know you're never alone in this community. It's all about sharing and caring and sharing is also sharing the burdens and caring for one another.

So I'm so glad you shared and thank you for that. Um, genuinely, uh, at a loss for words. Amen. Amen.

KC: Amen.

Andrea: Amen.

Trina: Hey guys, this is Trina. Hey Trina, my family. How is my family? Can I, can I just say something to Damian? Um, I wanted you to know I've been here with my family cooking and I had to stop doing what I did to, to listen, to really like be present.

And Damian, you are such a strong man, physically, mentally to step out. From your depths of depression and being alone to seek your truth of healing. And that really, really, really touched me because, sorry guys that I haven't been around, but I've been dealing with, uh,

I'm very emotional.

KC: Take your time. Take your time. You're with family, we're waiting for you to testify.

Trina: Yesterday was my brother's passing. My brother was 20. He was killed. And, um, it's always really hard around this weekend for my family. And so I just had to like withdraw from everything you guys, and it breaks my heart.

My brother was like such an amazing kid and he smoked with my. And he was killed in a car accident and I was out of state and I had to fly back and be there for my parents and my brother and my family. So that's the reason why you guys haven't seen me cuz I needed my time and my family's here today.

We're trying to, you know, really be together and honor my brother and my father. And so when Damian was telling me when he was preaching his testimony, it really hit my heart. I had to stop

and I'm always trying to like carry everybody in my family with all of this heartache. And you know, me, myself, I had a stroke four days after I delivered my daughter and I was fighting for my life and Gil, you know, I know what it feels like to fight for your life and not be so fucking mitigated that they're trying to take away our power.

So it's just been really emotional last few days for me, you guys, and we are all here to heal together. We all are. It's not about one person or one thing. It's about all of us taking the step forward together, because we're stronger together and I'm just really trying to make it through this weekend.

I just need a relief cause I'm strong. I'm always strong for everybody else.

Shirl: We're here for you, darling. We are definitely here.

Trina: Thank you.

Shirl: Take that space. And that time you always have home to come back too, to get it out.

Trina: Yes. Thank you.

Shirl: All love, darling.

Trina: I know I was. I'm sorry you guys, I have to release cuz I'm strong for everybody and who's there for me, right?

Shirl: We're here right now. Let it out darling you,

KC: All of us and you need to release and you know what? Oh, let it go release. And purge of those emotions is perfectly human and natural, and nobody should ever shame you for that because that's the patience you need for your inner self to heal as well. And that's what cannabis provides is the patients for us to shut the fuck up and let you get that purge on you go.

Trina: Yes, exactly. KC, thank you so much.

Damian: And you know, Trina, I understand the feeling of needing to be strong for, for other people. So, um, Yeah, I, I, I hate 4th of July weekend in the United States. Um, it, it,

Trina: Me too. So I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to stay positive, but it just brings back so much, like, like every hour of what was going on and I had to get a flight and I had to be there for my parents.

Who's falling apart. Who's no parents should ever have to bury their children. It's not natural. And so, you know, I'm a mom and Shirl, and I know where the mama bears and we just know how this feels. And like, when my daughter turned 20, I was praying because I was thinking my brother never made it past 20.

And I was just like praying to him to be the angel for my daughter, because they're just so like, you know, this is just not natural. I've had so much loss and then I almost lost my life. Four days after I gave birth to my daughter. And that's what changed my life because my parents started making me edibles and they were like, drugging me up on so much shit that I couldn't even like feel that I just had a daughter and I was, should be celebrating.

And I was so heavy dragged up on so much shit. I had three blood clots in my brain and I went blind and I had seizures and I gave birth four days later, all in one week. And we regained my health and my mom and my dad, actually my dad, my dad was like the best ever. And he just said, I'm gonna start making her heal I can't talk anymore.

Damian: I just wanna say thanks for sharing. Right? Like as somebody who sits, who has sat with, with people in all different kinds of. So here's the thing about, about priesthood y'all in a single day, I experienced what most people went through in a lifetime, right. I would be either with, you know, baptism or marriage in the morning and, and be anointing somebody in the afternoon and have a funeral to do in the afternoon, you know, later that day.

And, and so, and so you, I just, by speaking it, even here, just in this sort of virtual space, by having a place where you can talk about what is burdening you, you're unburdening yourself, you're naming it. You know, it's something that you may have carried with you for a long time, but at some point, at some point, you'll be able to say, I feel like I can rest.

I feel like I can set this down now. And until you name it, You never know what the it is.

And so by, by being here by being able to share and, and to find comradery and stories and find support, like just know that like it, you're never burdening us. You're unburdening yourself. And that's, that's all I think any of us want for out for each other. So as much as you need to share, please do.

Trina: Thank you. Thank you so much, family. Thank you.

Rick: You know that, you know,

KC: Oh, Hey Rick, how you doing? Welcome to the room. Good morning. Good morning.

Rick: So I'm kinda, I train much, much love, much. Love Trina. Thank you for getting. I'm kind of a perspective person, Trina, and I'm just gonna talk to you. I've had lots of death in my life.

I was a rescue person that rescued people and I've been sued over death. I've been all these different things and it's, it's a weird place. It's kind of an interesting place for me. As I traveled, like all over the world, I kind of like got involved in a lot of so-called funerals. And I think it's kind of bizarre how, um, how we treat funerals or deaths in, in the west compared to people, indigenous people of the lands.

And, you know, for some reason, death brings a lot of sorrow and pain and you know, all that kind of stuff that, you know, shows up with it. Some of that is self guilt, I think for not saying whatever you could say when they were alive, but the other part is just how we treat it. Um, this country, we get dressed in black.

Other countries get dressed in color. Other countries have gigantic parties around the death, cuz it's a releasing of the soul back to itself and it's able to soar and have great things. They remember all the great times they had together. They remember all the holding hands and laughter and the joy that person brought to the table.

Here we look at what we're missing. We look at, you know, what the loss was. We look at, you know, that this person died too young or. You know, we, we try to find fault in that death and you know, there's a lot of, you know, children that die and, you know, and then you, if you do it the same way with them, it doesn't really work too well.

And there's a loss for, you know, a parent losing a child. It's a deeper loss than most can handle, but you know, that child came for a reason. They did, you know, the joy they brought is really the celebration. It's a celebration of life, not a loss of life. They lived, you know, we, none of us are guaranteed a day.

We're not guaranteed a week and we're not guaranteed a week or a year or anything like that. All we know is that every day we wake up and that's a good thing right there in itself. So I would just like you to honor your brother. And I think that your brother would not like you to have this much pain around him.

I really don't. And if you can bring that to your space and your parents and your daughter and celebration of life around this day, right. You'll be rewarding your brother every day. That's just the way I look at it. So thanks for sharing.

Trina: Thank you, Rick. That's such a beautiful perspective and thank you so much.

And I thank you, you guys so much because I really needed to release and we lost my dad and I know my dad was ready to be home with my brother. And so my brother, my dad was never the same when my brother passed and it was his only son. So thank you so much for. Damian when you brought that story, it just hit me so hard.

And KC, you always give so much love here. And Jared, thank you. You have a beautiful soul, Jared. Thank you. I was just reading an Angel and my sister's Shirlfriend and Rick, thank you so much. And everybody here that, you know, we all have our stories and that's what makes, that's why we're together and strong together.

And Rick, you really touched my soul. So my heart is smiling. Thank you for everybody.

KC: Whew, bless you, man. Bless you, Trina. Bless you, Rick. Like Rick, every time Rick speaks, it's not just educational. Uh, he is a walking, living cannabis testimony. Like he's always bearing his testimony about cannabis. And was walking and, and driving that path before, before it ever came into my life. So yes.

And, and Trina and, and, Hmm. Yeah, cuz you know, me, I'm about to get personal before I do do and cannabis church with a prayer and, and you know, it's pair for myself. If anyone feels like, you know, for them too, then yes, bless you. But, uh, Trina, I, I get it. You know, my dad died when I was nine of cancer and then my grandpa after that, uh, and what Damian was talking, how cannabis helps with appetite.

Uh, I lost my friend, Annabelle. She was only, she was only 19 or 20 when, uh, they, you know, found the cancer and it addressed so fast because it was one of those really rare stages that only kids have and have been growing in her entire life. Uh, and it was my job to. Go over there and be the blabber mouth I am and distract her mother long enough while her boyfriend could get her high, just so she could take her pills, let alone even try to eat.

So, you know, it is that it is cannabis works in whatever way we need it to work with. And we need the independence and the freedom of cannabis for all of us to have that choice, to have that choice. That's literally all we're asking for and that's all everyone in the first cannabis room on green room is in working together as a community, talking about openly in ways.

Holy shit, I didn't expect 20 years ago when I started smoking and just getting high, but that's what the holy cannabis plant does. It heals, heals the water, heals the dirt, heals the air, heals the planet, heals the community, heals each other, heals our inner best self helps us find that I've witnessed mental breakthroughs on here.

Live. I've witnessed some of the deepest, most patient wonderful conversations with people just bearing their souls here, not in coming to the church, not the I'm holding to cannabis church. What does that tell you about this community right here? This is cannabis church. Welcome to the first cannabis church on the first cannabis room on green room.

We're live right now, and this is being recorded for my podcast later, but like we're live right now. There's people who have been here with me for the last two hours bearing their souls. And that's what we do daily here. 24 7. Thanks to the cannabis makers. Thanks to Rick. Thanks to Jared. Thanks to everyone.

That's up here on stage that comes up here in different time zones around the world to help run the show. And help be a part of the show and just are constantly contributing and connecting and sharing their connection with the cannabis plant that connects us all. And, and I get it Trina, today's the two year anniversary of my sisters overdose.

I wish we were allowed to talk openly in my family about it, to maybe get her off the alcohol and the pills so that maybe she was just having conversations with me, watching her favorite TV shows and getting high and not having to hang over and going back to work the next day and maybe helping her with the mental help she needed her entire life so that she didn't overdose.

And the pain of my father that comes and goes and waves, waves of emotions for the rest of your life. That's and God bless everyone. Who's never lost a family member or friend. You are blessed. But those of us in pain to barely get outta bed, that's lucky to be doing the cannabis church right now. It's not a lifestyle.

It's medicine, it's freedom. It's independence from my pain, but that's all we're here doing and asking for. And we're not really asking anymore. Are we Rick? We're telling them we're coming here. We're doing it. We don't need your permission. Right? It's not just an American, right? That we talk about the freedom to protect our friends, our self, and our family.

It's a universal freedom. So get your sacrament ready. Thanks for coming to the first cannabis church. I'm your Minister of Cannabis KC.

And I'm gonna pray for myself and the bowl. I'm about to smoke while I just sit back and enjoy to see where the conversation goes from here. Thank you universe for cannabis for this new family. I found at the first cannabis room on green room, which came right when I needed, like always, I'm blessed. I'm grateful.

I'm thankful. I'm out words to describe the amount of love and joy I've found in this green safe space with a new family. Nobody's taken me serious universe. I know you see what's going on because you brought all these amazing people into my life

and I've always trusted the universe. Cause I know you want me to be. Even when I'm getting in my own damn way. So bless this next little Nu, make it all delicious and good to feed my soul. Get me relaxed so we can chill and stay High and stay Happy. The way cannabis was intended and I can use it to heal my body, my mind, my spirit, maybe hopefully one day, my family.

Amen.

This place is yours. Thanks for being to the first cannabis church. See you next week.

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Cannabis Church of GOD